Does anyone get better

I can't say I've made a "complete recovery", but I've made drastic improvements from who and what I was at the time of my diagnosis. When first released from the hospital, I was on meds and for months saw a therapist. I took my meds until they ran out and never bothered re-filling the prescription. Everybody else said they saw improvements in me, but I felt like I was living under a cloud. I wasn't improving, I was just so damn drugged with anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I stopped seeing a therapist (or whatever she was) when I moved to a different town. I can't and shouldn't recommend this for anyone or everyone. I just know what works for me.

There have been times that I've wanted to go back to my T, but I don't. There have been times that I want to commit myself to the hospital, or times that I want to kill myself. But I don't try either of those. Being pregnant the last few months has given me new strength and courage than I had before. This time its different than when I was pregnant with my son. This time I'm different. I think its because I'm older, and also my daughters Donor wants to fight me for custody. He set me up to lose the apartment, he's playing dirty games to make me fall flat on my face in hopes of making me look bad. He is no father. He's had nothing to do with this kid other than planting a seed in my garden, probably while I was drunk. He wants to take her just to hurt me. I can't afford to break down. Not for long. I have to stand up and fight, I have to be strong for my daughter and myself. I can break down and cry at the end of the day after I've done all that I can do for the day. In moments of weakness, where I'd crumble and lose it before, I try my best to fight back my tears and try to swallow past the anxiety attack and remind myself that breaking down won't solve anything, it won't do me any good, that spending two weeks in the hospital isn't going to fix my problems, and that I wouldn't be killing just myself but I'd be a murderer too, that I have to do what needs done, it's not just me anymore. I remind myself that I need to be strong. Sometimes the tears and anxiety win, sometimes I embarrass myself by having a breakdown on my social workers voicemail. I realize I'm doing it while I'm leaving the voicemail, so I tend to apologize a lot in the message blaming hormones and stress. She never says anything about it. I think she understands, as she knows much of what I'm going through-and I am pregnant. People tend to be more forgiving when you're a pregnant woman, especially one who's literally been having her world crash down around her.

But that's just it. I have been having the world crash down around me. I lost my home, I'm unemployed, I was getting screwed over by my landlord because of The Donor, because my landlord was screwing me over I lost my assistance, everywhere I turned to for help shot me down, I lost my cat, I'm sinking deeper into debt by the month because I haven't had the money to pay child support for my son (who lives with his dad), I'm 31 years old with a baby due in February and I had to move in with my mother just before Christmas, I have the CAS involved with me because of all the crap that's been going on, I have an ugly court battle ahead of me once my baby is born. There are so many things going against me. Yet I'm managing to stay strong. Yes, it's terrifying to think where I'd be without my mother, it's terrifying to think I can't even keep a cat yet here I am having a baby. But instead of focusing on the negatives in my life, I try to think positive. At least I have a supportive family, The Donor may be a loser but I do have a good man who considers this child his despite the dna...he also took my cat to his moms so I haven't completely lost my Tabby, I've got my assistance back and they might even be paying for me to take an online college course during this time of unemployment (I hope they do! It'd be the perfect time, and when I'm ready to go back to work I might actually qualify for better jobs and be able to support my family-I find out in the new year if they'll approve me)...if all this had been going on a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have been able to stay as strong as I have been or even be able to look at the positive aspects.

As I said, there have been moments of weakness, but over-all I've been staying strong. I'd say I've gotten better. You can too.

Icandi,

Your message was so beautiflul thank you for posting. It must have been interesting as a mental health professional to have to look at yourself through the lens of BPD. I am wondering if being single is something that comes at a certain point in healing intuitively. I feel the same. You said you had no therapy or drugs but you are seeing a psych. Is it just for follow up?

Anyway, just wanted to say great post and than you

The 'What's the point of it,' question strikes my mind as well. It's like, 'What's the point of going to the gym if I should've done this a few years ago, or what's the pointing of eating healthy food if I'm alone while eating it.'

But when I watch my shirtless body in the mirror, wearing only a pair of jeans, I like it.

whenlmeetsm wrote:Icandi,

Your message was so beautiflul thank you for posting. It must have been interesting as a mental health professional to have to look at yourself through the lens of BPD. I am wondering if being single is something that comes at a certain point in healing intuitively. I feel the same. You said you had no therapy or drugs but you are seeing a psych. Is it just for follow up?

Anyway, just wanted to say great post and than you

Your very welcome!
And I think you're right, being single does come intuitively as you heal. Once you develop such a strong relationship with yourself, you become oddly protective and selfish of whom gets to be apart of your life. I do want to say, however, that being single is obviously not an option for many and if you're married or in a long-term relationship, I definitely don't want to imply that you should get a Divorce! But it's important to strenghten your relationship with yourself and find the time to do that within the confounds of a relationship and hopefully your partner will understand that. Our fragmented self-identity and chaotic interpersonal relationships is why that is so important. We're so used to attaching ourselves to other people, that we never learn to console ourselves, make ourselves happy, make ourselves laugh, self-soothe, etc.

Also I know it was confusing, but I am not seeing anyone at the moment. In May, I stopped seeing my Psychiatrist because I got tired of the anti-psychotic loop and weaned my own self off of the anti-psychotics and anti-depressants I was on [I CANNOT RECOMMEND ANYONE DO THIS - IT CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS IF NOT DONE PROPERLY]. It was just making me feel like crap. I got a tattoo in Arabic on my wrist that reads "Mercy" in hopes that it would deter me from cutting and I have not engaged in self-harming since. I came out of my 2 year celibacy to date a guy, it lasted for about 6 months, and most all my BPD symptoms returned. So, yeah, for me relationships are my kryptonite (but this isn't true for everyone), so that is an area I am still working on.

Being completely single and unattached to a man has strengthened my relationship with myself in ways I never could have imagined possible. If I could recommend anything in your recovery, it would be that. My insecurities melted away, my mood swings, my anxiety, my abandonment fears, my worthlessness, my self-harming, my anger, my hate, my extreme irritability, all of it gone!

......, being single does come intuitively as you heal. Once you develop such a strong relationship with yourself, you become oddly protective and selfish of whom gets to be apart of your life. ……….
………………….. Our fragmented self-identity and chaotic interpersonal relationships is why that is so important. We're so used to attaching ourselves to other people, that we never learn to console ourselves, make ourselves happy, make ourselves laugh, self-soothe, etc.

I relate to this...and same applies for me.
Recently I went against my instincts on this and yet again find myself weeping 'cos he Cant Love me like I want to be Loved.
I feel r'ships will always have a negative impact on my emotional make up 'cos I attach too strongly; make Loving the other my purpose in life ....etc etc...
This is a sad fact I must somehow accept.

I tried soo hard to avoid having a r'ship...lived with mother for a year....never went out socially....tried to find inner peace. Then against all odds I met someone. I thought because I wasn't looking , and ''Love found me''.....it was right
But not so.
Must stick somehow to my original plan. . . . . . . . .

doodler wrote:I feel r'ships will always have a negative impact on my emotional make up 'cos I attach too strongly; make Loving the other my purpose in life ....etc etc...

THIS is true for me as well...it's either all or nothing - completely absorbed in another person or totally detached. I don't even know what's normal...but I was told that when it's the "right" person, I won't feel that way. And when I think about a lot of my past r'ships with the "wrong" men, I think I was so absorbed in them BECAUSE they were so detached from me. I'm assuming a r'ship with a person that is emotionally 'available' may warrant a different reaction in me. I guess I haven't met them yet...

iCandi,

... I'm assuming a r'ship with a person that is emotionally 'available' may warrant a different reaction in me. I guess I haven't met them yet...

You are right here 100%. I will not get into a long story right now but you are right.

icandi

I think I was so absorbed in them BECAUSE they were so detached from me. I'm assuming a r'ship with a person that is emotionally 'available' may warrant a different reaction in me. I guess I haven't met them yet...

Hah...I was just gonna post you that question and here you have answered it.
I have a history of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men.....usually addicts, most of whom have narc traits. They tend to idolise me at the start, which is unnerving, when but does lure me in. I cant resist. Then their lack of ability to Love as time lapses, causes me to unhinge emotionally; to give even more; to need them more; to obsess more......
and Yet if they sustained the adoration and idolisation, I would despise them.....

I have grave doubts there is a ''right '' man who can handle the emotional complexity.....
But at this stage I think I would go for being made to feel Loved in a normal, not over the top way. I think I would appreciate that now and not push it away. . . . . . . . .
I wont be looking for a r'ship, but should it happen along, this is what I would go for; someone who can lift my spirits, and give Love equal to what I am capable of giving.

doodler wrote:icandi

the adoration and idolisation, I would despise them.....

I have grave doubts there is a ''right '' man who can handle the emotional complexity.....

I totally get what you're saying, cuz I'm the same way! It's nice to find someone who can stand up for his/herself, not be all "yes dear, right away dear, anything you say dear" SO BORING!! I like a man who can take initiative without being bossed around or asked. I'm not one who wants to be pampered or waited on hand and foot (never been to the spa, rarely accept massages, cut and dye my own hair, do my own nails-and I like it that way!) A man who chooses to cook dinner and/or do the dishes, who willingly helps out where he sees help is needed, who shows affection and love without being suffocating, who lets you know when you're being a b***h for no reason (when you actually are!) is a keeper in my books!

Such men are hard to find, but they're out there!