Unable to connect with people who aren't struggling

I talked with a friend who has BPD the other day and we agreed we both want to have a balance of people in our lives who are mentally ill and not mentally ill. I think that tends to be the healthiest option most times. However whenever I spend time with people who are not mentally ill, I find myself judging them harshly and not wanting to be around them. It just feels like there's this fundamental wall between me and them based on their not having experience around the biggest part of my life right now. My life is so heavily defined by treatment right now that I don't have a huge amount to talk about other than what I'm doing to slowly become a functional human being. I also find most of what they have to say completely inconsequential and boring. This makes me really anxious that I'm never going to find a place in the world outside of treatment. Recently I've been trying to reconnect with old friends who are not mentally ill and go to events not specifically centered around mental illness but I really hate it. I feel like I literally have nothing to say to the people there. It makes me really uncomfortable and since I'm pretty quiet anyway I become virtually silent. Even when I try to connect with people around hobbies, the dreaded question of "What do you do?" always comes up eventually. I know I have the right to protect myself and not share but then the conversation dies pretty quickly. I was wondering if other people have similar experiences. It seems like so many of the people I know with mental illness manage to have at least some friends without mental illness and enjoy their company but I feel incapable of that right now. What gives? Is this just a personal thing? Something I need to work through?

I get this a lot. i dont get along well with anyone, and find most of their topics of discussions boring.

one suggestion would be to address yourself as different and not mentally ill. i dont like the latter word.

i've realized that everyone is different. not everyone is intelligent(to have a consequential converstaion), i mean an efficient doctor who's spent his life in operation theatres with veins and blood and broken limbs wouldn't have a good sense of humor.

or a dancer who practices dance 10 hours a day, well she wouldnt have much tech knowledge or awareness about politics to have an entertaining conversation.

surround yourself with people who like you. i know i sound like a hypocrite but if i dont get along with someone, that's it, i dont hang out with him. i do make an effort to talk but then again friendship shouldnt be so difficult.

i got a few friends on this forum, outside this site i'm very lonely. i go to an office where i dont speak a word with anyone. i see others talking about sports, politics, economics and i do wish i could participate but if i cant, then it's ok. it's who i am and it really is ok.

i'd rather be alone than be alone in a group.

I am not very good with stable people either...

I always feel guilty and bad about how ruined and maladaptive I am. I tend to lie and cover up the truth to seem normal though I am working on it but I seem pretty good at it... bc I start to believe the truth is different myself. though people never realize how tortured I am over things. I hate interacting with healthy people because I get jealous and super insecure. I start thinking horrible things about them and can be really petty. I try to use my appearance to feel equal with them and like they won't leave me and honestly it is probably the only reason a lot of people put up with me. Honestly I think they can be incredibly shallow all the same.

I find it difficult to connect on more than a superficial level. But I talk to and get along with people, in general. I just don't maintain friendships. I don't care enough or try...

But in any case, I don't talk about or focus on my problems. I talk about my interests, or their interests... books, music, movies, tv, hobbies. Anything, except specifics about my past. Past jobs, places I've traveled or lived, sure... but nothing pertaining to my personal issues.

I don't feel connected to these sorts of people... I don't care about them. I don't want to get close to them. But I can enjoy their company sometimes. It's just about focusing on the present, rather than the past, for me.

sadpanda13 wrote:I talked with a friend who has BPD the other day and we agreed we both want to have a balance of people in our lives who are mentally ill and not mentally ill. I think that tends to be the healthiest option most times. However whenever I spend time with people who are not mentally ill, I find myself judging them harshly and not wanting to be around them. It just feels like there's this fundamental wall between me and them based on their not having experience around the biggest part of my life right now. My life is so heavily defined by treatment right now that I don't have a huge amount to talk about other than what I'm doing to slowly become a functional human being. I also find most of what they have to say completely inconsequential and boring. This makes me really anxious that I'm never going to find a place in the world outside of treatment. Recently I've been trying to reconnect with old friends who are not mentally ill and go to events not specifically centered around mental illness but I really hate it. I feel like I literally have nothing to say to the people there. It makes me really uncomfortable and since I'm pretty quiet anyway I become virtually silent. Even when I try to connect with people around hobbies, the dreaded question of "What do you do?" always comes up eventually. I know I have the right to protect myself and not share but then the conversation dies pretty quickly. I was wondering if other people have similar experiences. It seems like so many of the people I know with mental illness manage to have at least some friends without mental illness and enjoy their company but I feel incapable of that right now. What gives? Is this just a personal thing? Something I need to work through?

Oh god. Yes. I HATE HATE HATE small talk. Talking about the weather I can handle. Hearing about other people's happy shiny families, careers, etc... well, I can't wait to get away. It's that horrible mixture of feel both awkward/triggered and bored/unengaged that makes it hard to tolerate. If you don't like to talk about things "normal" people talk about, don't want to be asked "what do you do", etc... the only choice is to find activities to center social interaction around. Even then it's impossible to avoid certain obnoxious topics that inevitably come up. I wish it was easier.

I also really hate small talk, I can't handle it at all, it makes no sense to me and it can make me quite angry. To me it is this weird social dance that people do instead of talking about anything interesting. As you can probably tell, I feel quite strongly about it!

So yeah, I know what you mean.

I find that I get along more too with people who are struggling in some ways to better themselves and are introspective to some degree. If they have issues, and their issues mesh with mine, then it isn't a problem. But, I do prefer that they have other interests that they pursue outside of their issues. That tells me that they are trying to make their lives more balanced, positive and healthier for themselves in the long run. If they don't have any outside interests, that is usually a red flag for me.

Sadpanda,

I understand that you are focused on getting better/treatment, but it doesn't have to keep you from being able to relate to others. If you haven't been out socializing for a while you may feel uncomfortable with small talk especially if you've been dealing with heavy issues of your own you may really not care. Its natural but you are bothered by this Idk ... maybe you can immerse yourself in your interests/hobbies and meet new people that way.

Jaus – I love your reply

Vertices – I laughed when I read that you feel that you are not very good around “stable people” OMG there is such a thing. I've yet to meet one!! We all have our own unique brand of “crazy” keep that in mind. Unless you chose to share how tortured you are about things people won't know, nor should they IMO you should be picky about who you share your self with. You are very hard on yourself and we all can be but in reality you have no idea what other people are thinking most of the time, they won't share their innermost thoughts and insecurities in casual social situations. This is what feels shallow to you I understand - but if everyone opened up that way you would be scanning the room for the door sooner than you think, I would.

Jamberrypie - I agree