Learned Helplessness

This is one of my most challenging and destructive qualities. My Mom was a perfectionist. She
couldn't handle me trying to do something new for myself. She would take over and finish it for
me. She would say "If you can't do it perfectly, than don't do it at all. " So I developed a pattern
of quitting, giving up, not taking risks. My husband will do a lot for me that I can do for myself.
Part of it also is, when I am emotionally dysregulated my problem-solving skills suffer. I can't think
clearly.

This is what my husband will do for me that I want to take on:

1. Uploading pics on my computer, tunes on my tunes app, and various other
computer related tasks.

2. I have no idea how to play DVD's on the remote or how to find vudu or netflix on my TV.

3. He constantly brings me glasses of water and caters to me when I am lying down (he can do
a little of this but not too much)

4. He carries stuff that I am capable of carrying

5. He always drives

Basically I am bad with mechanical stuff and he does anything mechanical.

It bothers me....affects my self-esteem.

Do any of you have this pattern?

Hehe, when I was younger I was always nagged to help out with cleaning/cooking and because I had no experience, I would be doing it my way. Because it was done slower/in a different way/not as perfect as my mom/grandmother would do, they'd say: "Gimmie that" and do it on their own. This often discouraged me. However, at some point, I learned to say: "Leave it! Imma do it my way" and I would.

I am known to be.. taking on too much and not letting others help me. I don't want to be dependent on anybody.

I do except with cleaning the one who set if off for me wasn't only my mom but an abusive fiancee i had for three years. when i was young my mom would always tell me to clean my room but i quickly learned that if i waited long enough she would do it for me. then with my fiancee when ever I attempted cleaning he would just yell at me and tell me i was doing it wrong then attempt to do it. needless to say since he left me my cleanliness has suffered but i've found with time and effort i can work past it

Yes, I really understand this. My parents said they loved me no matter what (did not always feel that way in practice though) but would constantly critique the way I did everything. It always felt like there was a RIGHT way to do everything and it taught me to just give up because my way was never the RIGHT way. I'm becoming more independent living in my therapeutic housing situation because the staff here is careful mostly not to do that. However I still feel like I'm living by "the shoulds". I think the best way to combat this that I've found is to assert yourself and make "mistakes" then realize that you haven't made a mistake at all. The world keeps on going and nothing suffers as a result.

Sometimes one spouse wants things done his/her way and in their time, eventually the other spouse retreats to avoid arguements, because its easier. It may be learned helplessness but you probably would be able to do all things just fine if on your own.

It is a problem though.

I can make him into my Dad instead of being a husband.

and it affects our sex life.

i understand roles. But there isn't enough of a balance

monkey66 wrote:It is a problem though.

I can make him into my Dad instead of being a husband.

and it affects our sex life.

i understand roles. But there isn't enough of a balance

Now that you are aware of that, it's time to do something about it!
Does this happen just because he wants to, or is it because you taught/forced him to do it?
Sitting down and having a talk is in order, I think.

You are right. I will talk to him about it.

I have brought it up before but I don't change acting like a baby enough.

He is just very giving and it makes him feel good about himself

monkey66 wrote:You are right. I will talk to him about it.

I have brought it up before but I don't change acting like a baby enough.

He is just very giving and it makes him feel good about himself

just tell him that you appreciate it all, but you feel so helpless and would like to feel a bit stronger, but still need him!

I did the same.

My mother wasn't like... well, she wasn't really involved (and my father wasn't there at all), but I felt judged when I did things. I felt like I would be criticized if I did something the wrong way, or said the wrong thing. My mother had a temper, as did my brother and sometimes they'd fly off the handle over little things. Or they'd get impatient when I'd talk because I'd get nervous and forget what I was trying to say.

So in my first marriage... I was really young on top of all my problems. But I would have my ex do all the talking for me, make all the phone calls, handle money and other things. I never got a job. I didn't get my first real job until I was almost 23, I think. I didn't get my driver's license until very recently... and I'm nearing 30. I wouldn't even leave the house on my own for a long time.

It was a long and slow process becoming independent. First, I needed motivation... I needed a goal. That was to leave my ex. I didn't love him, and never did. He was just there when I needed somebody. It was hard. And after that, I started to have to learn things out of necessity. Though, I did find someone else... excepy he wasn't really helpful to me. He would try to force me to do things for myself... but he was extremely critical, which made it harder. Some things he still did for me. I never cooked, and still didn't drive. But I ended up resenting him and doing things separate from him for myself. And then when I felt like I could make it on my own, I left him. And then hilariously, I lost my job straight after and couldn't find another... I had to go back to my mother's.

But during that time, I found a friend who supported me from afar... who encouraged me, and (probably importantly) wasn't there to see me fail. It's stupid, but I knew I needed somebody, but I also knew I shouldn't latch on to anyone like I've always done. So I found someone who was there for me, but not really right there to do everything for me.

I've had to do everything on my own and I actually can now.

But if I were in your shoes, I would sit down with your husband and tell him that it would be best for you if you learned to do things for yourself. I would tell him to let you be to make mistakes, not to run to your rescue you know?

I've become really empowered by all the progress I've made and actually try to challenge myself these days. I'm actually planning a road trip by myself soon.