Learned Helplessness

Thank you. I will talk to him.

I am independent in other ways. I have my own business. I have my own friends. My biggest
accomplishment was getting my motorcycle license recently. Taking that course was very very
difficult for me.

But with that being said I can be more. I have let myself go (can lose 20 lbs) , stopped exercising.
I am joining a gym on the 26th so that will be good. And I think when I am less depressed and
feel better in my body, I will be more motivated to do things for myself. Part of it is depression
and procrastination. It's not necessarily that I have to talk to him . I will of course. But I can
work this stuff out within me.

monkey66 wrote: It's not necessarily that I have to talk to him . I will of course. But I can
work this stuff out within me.

I don't know you or him, but I'd make sure he knows about your "change", because otherwise, if he wakes up one morning and sees you doing a lot more than usual, being a lot more independent....he might be worried about his position and we don't want that!

Hi monkey66,

From what you've posted it sounds as if there's some kind of codependency thing going on. There's certainly a reward of sorts for him and you allow it to continue as well.

My gf and I have a similar situation going and the roles are the same. Basically I do most of the cooking, deep cleaning, etc.. because I'm a perfectionist.

She had a screwed up childhood where she really never learned to, nor was she expected to, clean, be organized and never had anyone to learn how to cook.

I had all the above and do all the above very well

I'm hard on myself but can be a bit overbearing when she wants to help, trys and does not measure up. I've let her run and do her thing more with cleaning but when it comes to food I want it done how I like it! LOL

Sometimes I think she plays it up so that she can get out of doing stuff when she does not feel like it using it to her advantage.

So what I'd like to know from you monkey66 is... are you playing the part/role he's expecting of you for a particular reason by not doing things or taking control in areas you feel you should?

If so then how are you benefiting by allowing him to do these things for you? What do you gain or if lose if you take control in some of the areas you mentioned?

EKO, I believe you are correct. I will talk to him.

Lost N Vegas,

I don't think he expects me to take on this role of a helpless dependent. Maybe there is a part of
him that likes my vulnerability. Maybe he feels stronger when I am weak. I don't know.

He has complained and called me out on it when I ask him to do things that I can clearly do for myself.
He can definitely get frustrated with me.

But it doesn't stop because I really think he is gaining a sense of being worthwhile (he has been
underemployed as a free lance phototgrapher our entire relationship, so I think he feels more purposeful and maybe less guilty when he helps me. And of course he wants my business to succeed. The marketing
help has been invaluable, so in that regard I think I should accept that he is just better than me at certain things (computer related)

There is some codependency going on. What am I gaining? Maybe since we have problems with sexual compatibility, I want him to be useful in other areas of our relationship. Maybe its overcompensation
for what's lacking. I do think that's what it is.

But at this point I would rather be a woman, do more for myself and go to marriage therapy for our intimacy issues. Or be creative and dress up in some lingerie and seduce him. Go out on dates. Etc.

What do you think?

P.S. Maybe you can let up on your perfectionism and not hold her in that mode of helplessness. Would it make your relationship better?

"lingerie and seduce him".... umm... I'm sorry Monkey66 did you say something else?

Really sounds like you two are a great team and try to balance things out for one another.

Very much appreciate your comments and I do try harder to let her take care of things. She's like you with tech stuff so as a couple we sound similar.

I must say the kitchens all mine... I don't budge there! LOL

oh.. yea.. I have really gone above and beyond when it comes to she and helplessness. I've actually been letting her use the dyson animal hair vacuum. Seriously, she's come a long way and so have I.

Lol! You're funny

It does sound like him and I are similar to you and your girl. We are a good team. Thank you
for recognizing that from what I have written.

Ha ha. You are making progress and letting her use the Dyson

Merry Christmas

Monkey

wow.. I think we have the same husband.

I use to be very independent, a single parent for 8 years, and very proud of my accomplishments and my children. Then I married my husband and my mental health started to spiral. (not because of him) I think from trying to be all for a long time ,then having someone to help me. I didn't need to be in constant survival mood.

When I'm in my "mood" the poor guy is trying to keep the peace in the household. He'll make dinner ,do dishes, bring me coffee, warm my car up, drive me anywhere and buy what I want. I know is sounds great. But what happen to the" miss independent" me.

I really have to watch myself too. sometimes I get to comfortable, but I know it's not a good environment for him or me. I do appreciate everything he does for me, but I think a dysfunctional co-dependency starts.

Sorry I might of gotten off track a little, I know what you mean