Anyone else here not feel "legitimately" borderline?

I've been diagnosed, initially against my will, by a lot of different providers, but I can't help feeling like I'm just faking it all and I'm just a really ###$ person using a diagnosis that doesn't fit to do horrible things. I'm scared to go to the only DBT group in my area in January, even if I can get in/pay for it, because I'm so scared everyone will find out I'm some kind of a...I don't know...poser or something.

I'm just really scared of people in general. Been paranoid and distrustful lately too.

Totally. I had a lot of these thoughts tonight.
I feel like a fake, or like I'm doing it for attention, or like I'm just trying to fit an identity,or like I am just doing this to myself... as if I am making myself crazy. I get thoughts of "why don't you just stop doing this to yourself?" which is perpetuated by the general public thinking we are capable of "just changing" if we wanted to.

But I too have had BPD brought up by a number of different pdocs and counsellors.

Every person is different, even if we do all have the same disorder. BPD will manifest itself differently in different people, and we can all have a different constellation of symptoms.

I think the 'feeling like a fake' stuff comes from our lack of identity... our feelings of emptiness, and our feelings of being innately flawed.

I'm not sure... But you aren't alone in feeling this way.

BPD is difficult to understand and for others to understand because we can be totally fine one minute, and then in crisis the next. but, i'm getting off topic...

Edit: I agree with littlearcher. DBT can be helpful for a lot of symptoms. Even if you dont have BPD, you clearly have enough of the symptoms for multiple providers to bring it up with you. And you are worthy of receiving DBT treatment for the symptoms you are experiencing. You never know, other people in the group might not even have a dx of BPD. They might just have symptoms that their pdoc thought could be helped with DBT.

I do feel legitimately Borderline ("textbook" Borderline, at that)! But at the same time I fear that maybe those around me don't see it. Or they're annoyed it's taking 'so long' for me to get better. Or that I'm somehow faking it, because a lot of people feel small portions of Borderline-ness ("Detached" seems to come up a lot when I talk about this with Nons)....I dunno.

I also agree with what's been said on DBT. Therapy of this sort can help anyone manage things in their life. I can see a lot of this stuff helping anyone with stress-reduction or anxiety issues, or just being able to manage emotions.

CharleyBo wrote:I've been diagnosed, initially against my will, by a lot of different providers, but I can't help feeling like I'm just faking it all and I'm just a really ###$ person using a diagnosis that doesn't fit to do horrible things. I'm scared to go to the only DBT group in my area in January, even if I can get in/pay for it, because I'm so scared everyone will find out I'm some kind of a...I don't know...poser or something.

I'm just really scared of people in general. Been paranoid and distrustful lately too.

That's sounds to me like textbook BPD thinking... you're so worthless you can't even use the BPD label to "defend yourself" because this would be insulting to other people who "actually have it" etc etc.

Uh, I don't know.

I don't really care or know what I am, all I know is I have serious emotional problems that have been lifelong, and I think DBT can help, and my therapist does too.

I have to be careful not to act more textbook, it's not because I want to though, it's because I'm impressionable and get easily convinced that I am like certain things and behave that way without realizing anything changed. I can't really help it, but at least I'm becoming more aware of it.

If I really want something to identify as, borderline is probably the worst choice. I spent my life saddened by and wanting nothing to do with this disorder, but at the end of the day I can't just ignore that there is a problem :/

I think I'm AvPD too, it sucks. I wanna be normal. I don't want to make excuses for the things I do. I want to be strong enough to be an adult. I just feel so broken.

addx wrote:

CharleyBo wrote:I've been diagnosed, initially against my will, by a lot of different providers, but I can't help feeling like I'm just faking it all and I'm just a really ###$ person using a diagnosis that doesn't fit to do horrible things. I'm scared to go to the only DBT group in my area in January, even if I can get in/pay for it, because I'm so scared everyone will find out I'm some kind of a...I don't know...poser or something.

I'm just really scared of people in general. Been paranoid and distrustful lately too.

That's sounds to me like textbook BPD thinking... you're so worthless you can't even use the BPD label to "defend yourself" because this would be insulting to other people who "actually have it" etc etc.

Umh. Not everyone with self esteem issues has BPD D'=

Charley,

Go to DBT. I don't think anyone there will say anything to you about the authenticity of your illness. Seriously once you go and listen to what other people say about how they deal with their emotions you will probably feel better maybe understood. A diagnosis is not licence to "do horrible things" as you said to yourself or others. Its a series of symptoms that can help you make sense of how you feel, and maybe why IDK. DBT teaches you to recognize symptoms/triggers and and deal with them in a healthy way. Everyone with BPD is different as are their experiences.

You said you were diagnosed by a number of people, I don't know about others on the forum but for me it took months to get a diagnosis, many people were involved and I was told that they are reluctant dx people with PDs because some people get hung up on the fact that PD have no "cure" and they lose hope. I hope you don't see it that way. Just see it as a series of symptoms if you can, you will learn to manage them in time. Also there are things about yourself that you probably don't want to change.

Best

I can relate to the feeling of not being "legitimately" borderline. Particularly at my work. The thing is, the people at my work don't understand that the person I've created myself to be at work is due to my BPD! Ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that I know I fit the criteria, and so do my treatment team. Screw everyone else.