BPD...meh about sex.

So I am Borderline...

I know we're supposed to be really promiscuous and whatever...and I used to be when I was a teen. But that was really because I needed/wanted/craved intimacy and attention. I wanted to be wanted. And I still do this sometimes when I feel so lonely. However, I don't really care for sex, and when I do it has to be kinky for me to get into it and even then I have a bit of a tendency to completely zone out.

I could really take it or leave it in general. And I would rather leave it, if not for the fact that it's a major part of relationships. I would be just as well with hugging and kissing only.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle your relationships?

Heyyy,

I kinda get what you mean about wanting/craving/needing intimacy and attention. I'm currently trying to get a grasp on that one myself.
I understand what you mean about not actually wanting sex. Especially when I started taking an antidepressant (effexor). My sex drive basically became non existent, however I did notice that I have become significantly needier. I also have a few fetishes that make it very hard for me to even get turned on by regular physical contact.

Anyways, if you wanna chat, I would love to talk more about this

Talk Soon
Twisted

Being sexually promiscuous is not one of the criteria, and besides, I never was. I was quite active as a teenager, but always in committed relationships. Never had any one nighters.
Now I'm Asexual and have no sexual desire at all.
I'm also borderline. You cannot apply a one size fits all diagnosis to everyone. I believe there are no two borderlines alike, just like there are no two anything alike.

xoPinkerbelleox wrote:So I am Borderline...

I know we're supposed to be really promiscuous and whatever...and I used to be when I was a teen. But that was really because I needed/wanted/craved intimacy and attention. I wanted to be wanted. And I still do this sometimes when I feel so lonely. However, I don't really care for sex, and when I do it has to be kinky for me to get into it and even then I have a bit of a tendency to completely zone out.

I could really take it or leave it in general. And I would rather leave it, if not for the fact that it's a major part of relationships. I would be just as well with hugging and kissing only.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle your relationships?

Sex has become more complicated - when I have sex (less frequent this year), I almost enjoy laying next to her as much as the sex. I don't know if its the drugs or what.

As far as handling relationships, lol, I don't. I distance myself. Casual sex always made me feel good before, but, not anymore. Now I think I'd like a relationship... but 'getting laid' and 'having a relationship' ... that's very different to me.

Couple theories I've had, see if one maybe jives with you:
I'm debating if I'm afraid of being hurt/rejected/left.
Kissing and hugging are less vulnerable, sometimes sex is scary?

In your case, your in a relationship? How new is it? Maybe your not ready yet?

Are you a female? I don't know but sometimes women don't achieve orgasm from penetration, seems many are more sensitive to oral. Maybe it's just not pleasurable for you and its more about finding what is..

I used to be very promiscuous in my late teens. I enjoyed sex a lot but did it more as I loved the feeling of feeling wanted and desired. Throughout my relationship with partner I've cheated numerous times as he didn't pay me enough attention and always wanted him to find out so he would see that I was looking elsewhere and panic into trying to get me back.

Now ,however ,i could take or leave it. When I look at porn it has to be kinky and I would rather masturbate than sleep with partner. Nothing to do with him ,I just find it hard to cum without porn OR without being with someone new and having that passion you get with new partners. I'm female btw.

My word! I realized I have responses for ALL of you, soooo I'll just do it all in one go. I will say that I view sex (usually) as something I have to do for the emotional intimacy that I really want.

Twisted: Yes! Fetishes are the number one slayer of my sex drive in some relationships. I literally cannot be in a vanilla relationship because I don't enjoy the sex. At all. (Feel free to shoot me a msg)

Blank: I know it's not a criteria, however it's a common standing point and "stereotypical" of Borderlines. That's why I included it. You're actually the first one I've come across who hasn't had a promiscuous phase.

Midnight: Exactly. I've never actually had casual sex per se, but rather I've always been involved in multiple relationships so it was a constant flow of adoration and attention and "i love you" all over the place. Sex is scary in the sense of my negative self image and dismal self esteem. I'm sure I might be more keen if those weren't major problems for me. I am actually in a couple of relationships. One is relatively new and sex is whatever. I prefer the cuddling. The other has been off and on since high school. The sex is actually quite good, but we know each other's bodies extremely well. We're very close. The "l word" came up. I might've meant it. As a note, in general I know what I like sexually. It's not an issue of pleasure so much as not particularly caring for it/not being of great import.

Standing: Yes, yes, YES! That is me all over. I would rather get myself off 80% of the time. Only when I seriously need the attention do I actively go find myself to be with.

I'm the oddball when it comes to sex. For me, sex is about as intimate as love, itself (although most people will claim that sex doesn't equate to love--for me, however, it does). The idea of sex always terrified me, and it wasn't until I got into a relationship with my first boyfriend (we were both virgins and very, very green at the time) that I really came to wholeheartedly solidify my notional beliefs concerning the inner-connectedness of love and sexual intimacy. Of course, that relationship ended miserably, which catapulted me into a year and a half-long phase of my life during which I went from only having had sex with one person to six (dear God, it makes me nauseous even typing that out... ). During that time, I "dated" this one prick, and was used by three other men (one of whom I didn't even know...thanks to a haze of being drunk and coked out). I'm currently in a relationship with a man who has - to my dismay - been around (although I attribute his periods of promiscuity to his narcissism...). Thankfully, he says that he's been reformed and is remorseful for his past endeavors, and wishes that he had waited for me. Nevertheless, my pre-drinking and post-break-up craze has fallen by the wayside, and the old me has re-emerged. Anyway, </rant/>.

In essence, I cannot have sex outside the context of a meaningful and committed relationship--but once I'm in one (and in love), I want it practically 24/7.

xoPinkerbelleox wrote:My word! I realized I have responses for ALL of you, soooo I'll just do it all in one go. I will say that I view sex (usually) as something I have to do for the emotional intimacy that I really want.

Twisted: Yes! Fetishes are the number one slayer of my sex drive in some relationships. I literally cannot be in a vanilla relationship because I don't enjoy the sex. At all. (Feel free to shoot me a msg)

Blank: I know it's not a criteria, however it's a common standing point and "stereotypical" of Borderlines. That's why I included it. You're actually the first one I've come across who hasn't had a promiscuous phase.

Midnight: Exactly. I've never actually had casual sex per se, but rather I've always been involved in multiple relationships so it was a constant flow of adoration and attention and "i love you" all over the place. Sex is scary in the sense of my negative self image and dismal self esteem. I'm sure I might be more keen if those weren't major problems for me. I am actually in a couple of relationships. One is relatively new and sex is whatever. I prefer the cuddling. The other has been off and on since high school. The sex is actually quite good, but we know each other's bodies extremely well. We're very close. The "l word" came up. I might've meant it. As a note, in general I know what I like sexually. It's not an issue of pleasure so much as not particularly caring for it/not being of great import.

Standing: Yes, yes, YES! That is me all over. I would rather get myself off 80% of the time. Only when I seriously need the attention do I actively go find myself to be with.

Multiple open relationships (friends that are intimate?) is what I'm calling 'casual.' Totally feel you on the 'I love you's..." lol, also by it not being a formal relationship I don't feel like I'm going to get hurt or left..

'Meh about sex' might have to do with your self-image & esteem, as you said. I have a gunshot scar on the front of my belly and a larger exit wound scar on my back, another by my shoulder. Then I have a stabbing wound down my stomach. Not exactly every girls dream to pull off a shirt and have the guy look like a gang member (which I'm not, lol). Add to that some fat from meds, and, I don't even like to take my shirt off at the beach... Sex .. MEH..lol.

have a theory on this...lol...it's that ratio of comfort to pleasure. If the comfort level isn't high enough, No drive or real pleasure. And, end up preferring masturbation or, more likely, nothing.

Cuddling, a lot easier. No worries about condoms breaking, pills not working, not pleasuring your partner, trying to bloody time an orgasm lol.

I've found learning how a female masturbates... is a really good way to figure out how to give them an orgasm. That's why I asked.. if you show a guy, they'd likely listen. We're always wondering what to do down there. Having a partner that tells you, is awesome, for both - it seems.

But, meh, is probably going to be around until we work on our self image?