Boyfriend's response to BPD-induced anxiety attack?

I don't know whether or not to applaud or disapprove of my boyfriend's response to my most recent anxiety attack (which occurred this evening)--so I'm reaching out to you guys so that I can properly gain some perspective.

As mentioned, I had a severe anxiety (near-panic) attack this evening that was triggered by my BPD/body dysmorphia (I wrote about this dynamic in another post...anyway...)--and I'm so used to people responding very swiftly to my episodes (either by attempting to console me or growing frustrated/unnerved by my behavior), that I was definitely thrown off guard by this.The other day, I briefly read a post regarding how spouses/SO's/friends/family/etc. should respond to those with body dysmorphic disorder--and I remember having said that reassurance can actually help to perpetuate the situation, particularly by implicitly communicating to the BDD-afflicted individual that aesthetic appearances are indeed just THAT important. As I was examining my scalp, I discovered a few areas in which the skin/follicles have become irritated from applying my hair extensions too tightly--and I remember that very distinctive chilled sense of panic arise...at which point, I began to grow borderline-hysterical and was shaking in a sickening fit of anxiousness. My boyfriend hugged me and said "everything's going to be all right", but didn't go on to reassure me about my hair/appearance, etc.

I suppose that I'm a bit confused--does he simply not know how to handle these episodes? Or was he strategically not feeding into the circular nature of my problem? I would ask him, myself--but I'm curious as to what you guys think. Of course, the borderline in my wants to assume that he just simply didn't care enough to extend an inordinate amount of comfort or reassurance...

I remember in a previous thread you discussed an NPD boyfriend. I was wondering if you are still dating the NPD, and if that is the boyfriend that you are referring to in this thread.

If your boyfriend is NPD, his lack of a reaction is actually pretty typical. I think you had it right in your post where you stated that perhaps he just doesn't know how to react to this situation. NPDs generally don't feel very strong emotions, so they have a hard time relating when someone else is feeling a strong emotion and they aren't really able to think to themselves, "What would I want someone to say or do if I felt this way?" Because they aren't familiar with those feelings themselves. And even when NPDs do feel strong emotions, they are so unfamiliar with them that they just sort of wait for them to go away instead of trying to understand them (strong negative emotions in me are felt on occasion and they cause anxiety to me because I don't truly understand their cause or nature and I just kind of work them out until they go away).

Also, the NPD seems to lack a certain emotional trigger that non-NPDs have that tell them to act when someone is hurting. So there is no emotional or psychological reaction inside of the NPD when someone is hurting that tells him he should try to fix it or console the person. This would also add to your boyfriend's more stoic reaction to what happened. (I've been told that I'm so terrible at consoling people that I shouldn't even try - lol).

I do want to emphasize that none of this means that you aren't important to him. You may be very important to him, and he would still react the same way. NPDs can be bad at showing other people that they are important to them. But if you ask him, he will tell you.

VirginiaEsquire:

Yes, yes--it is indeed the same gentleman. I suspect that your thoughts on the matter are correct--I think that it is more or less about not knowing how to respond due to a lack of depth.

And littlearcher: Yes and no. It did in the sense that it helped to diffuse the situation by not adding any additional drama--and I think that by not making as big of a deal about it as I was, I recollected myself more quickly and realized that what I was experiencing anxiety over (hair/baldness) wasn't as serious or important as I initially thought.

All of this being said, shortly after writing the initial post, I actually inquired as to why he responded (or rather, didn't respond) the way that he did...and as VirginaEsquire suggested, it was simply because he didn't know how to handle the situation...sigh. I honestly don't know how to feel about it, but watching him fully-engaged in video games while simultaneously disengaging from me in my time of need is proving to only further complicate my BPD. Any further insight or advice are greatly appreciated.

VirginiaEsquire wrote:
Also, the NPD seems to lack a certain emotional trigger that non-NPDs have that tell them to act when someone is hurting. So there is no emotional or psychological reaction inside of the NPD when someone is hurting that tells him he should try to fix it or console the person. This would also add to your boyfriend's more stoic reaction to what happened. (I've been told that I'm so terrible at consoling people that I shouldn't even try - lol).

I do want to emphasize that none of this means that you aren't important to him. You may be very important to him, and he would still react the same way. NPDs can be bad at showing other people that they are important to them. But if you ask him, he will tell you.

This is a great point. When I see someone cry, no mater who it is, I feel nothing. That doesn't mean I don't care about the person, but I just don't tend to recognize the pain of others, and I certainly don't feel it.

I'm bad at expressing that I care about someone, usually because I never think to do it. There are people I care about who probably don't realize it. I think good communication is key here. Make the effort to talk about it.

oversizedshades wrote:I honestly don't know how to feel about it, but watching him fully-engaged in video games while simultaneously disengaging from me in my time of need is proving to only further complicate my BPD. Any further insight or advice are greatly appreciated.

Hi oversizedshades,

I think that the best way to try and make it work is to be very open and honest with him about what you need from him. But also be sure to do so in a non-accusatory way, since Narcissists are especially sensitive to anything that feels like being scolded or criticized. The main thing is that he doesn't know how to show you that he cares, and that you are important to him, and/or that he doesn't know that it's important to show you those things.

It would probably help if he were self-aware so that you two could learn all about your defenses together and learn how to diffuse each other's defenses when they are triggered, but I also know that you might not want to have that conversation with him just yet. I know firsthand that an NPD and a BPD often feel like soulmates, and I think an NPD and BPD who were willing to work at it together have the potential to make each other happy.