Being angry and not knowing it.

"I'm not angry"

Still trying to solve a mystery in my mind about a frequent occurrence with my BPD x-girlfriend.

sometime would be said or happen (usually probably my fault) and my x-g would become rigid and start talking to me with a seething tone of voice.
"I would listen, and then eventually say "I understand what you are saying but why are you so angry?"

She would always respond "I am not angry" She would indicate that she feels as she always feels. This happened often enough that it really confused me.

Was she really not angry? (just trying to educate me like a mother would)
Was she angry, know it, but did not want to admit it?
Or was she angry and actually had no idea that she was?

I know someone who does that, lol.

(No not anyone here, someone else, lol.)

Anger is sometimes described as an umbrella emotion. Often there's something else underneath it, so of course it's confusing for the person experiencing it. It's not going to be easy to explain it to someone unless they are very sympathetic and supportive, and maybe not even then.

The feeling underneath what you think is anger could be her feeling fear - in the form of anxiety. or irritability at not being sure she will be understood. But yeah, you're right to say she really can't pinpoint the cause of it. I mean, who really can when feelings are intense and hard to pinpoint.

She could have simply been feeling intensity over what she was saying and all kinds of feelings were brewing under the surface because on some level she didn't feel she had the right to express herself, so this seething behaviour came into play.

Labelling her as angry likely came across as a putdown or you being dismissive and for anyone it would feel like you're then not really understanding what is being said.

How about saying, "I get the sense you feel very strongly about this. I'm listening."

Jakalla wrote:Anger is sometimes described as an umbrella emotion. Often there's something else underneath it, so of course it's confusing for the person experiencing it. It's not going to be easy to explain it to someone unless they are very sympathetic and supportive, and maybe not even then.

The feeling underneath what you think is anger could be her feeling fear - in the form of anxiety. or irritability at not being sure she will be understood. But yeah, you're right to say she really can't pinpoint the cause of it. I mean, who really can when feelings are intense and hard to pinpoint.

She could have simply been feeling intensity over what she was saying and all kinds of feelings were brewing under the surface because on some level she didn't feel she had the right to express herself, so this seething behaviour came into play.

Labelling her as angry likely came across as a putdown or you being dismissive and for anyone it would feel like you're then not really understanding what is being said.

How about saying, "I get the sense you feel very strongly about this. I'm listening."

this post is perfect.

Labeling her as angry likely came across as a putdown or you being dismissive and for anyone it would feel like you're then not really understanding what is being said.

Never thought about that... This is worth posting on my wall until it sinks in.

How about saying, "I get the sense you feel very strongly about this. I'm listening."

That's a great line! Active listening, need to work more on that.

Asking "why are you so angry" could easily sound like an interrogation. If you have NPD and she has BPD it would help to realize that she will not always interpret your questions the way you do. With my BPD ex (who I'm still close with) when I notice she is angry or agitated, I don't ask questions, I just give her a hug and show her I care about her.