Need Guidance (BPD)

I am a 27 year old female that has been diagnosed by my therapist with BPD, I am currently not seeing her anymore and things were going well. I also dont have the funds to continue treatment. I am married and have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 5 years, we have had a lot more downs than up but he has stuck by me and we managed to sort things out, he was the one who sent me to therapy. The last 6 months have been bliss and our relationship felt as though it has never been better. So I thought...

Today it happened again, we were having a normal conversation and my emotions got the better of me. I ended up saying something to my husband that really hurt him and instead of apologising and telling him how much I love him, I went defensive and started my spiral of manipulation, twsiting and becoming defensive. I ended up making him feel like a bad person, and the worst part is i was filled with so much rage and pain I couldnt empathise with him. I was numb with frustration, I picked up a razor blade and almost started cutting myself again. I dont want to relapse, im hating myself at the moment and Im really trying to stay focused on my husbands feelings but I have the sensation I have pushed him too far, i dont know if i can take back the evil things i said to him.

I love him, i know i do, why do I have to treat him like this. He dosent dereve to be treated like this and I dont want to loose him, yet I am the source of his pain.