BPD with BPD mother... How to end our relationship?

I have BPD, STRONGLY convinced my mother has it too,

- Spends loads of money, gets into debt
- Sleeps around
- Can be a complete and utter b*tch one minute and sweet as f*cking sugar the next
- So so manipulative, twists f*cking everything to make her look like the good guy.

etc etc.

Basically she has done a lot of extremely EXTREMELY unforgivable things and I honestly, genuinely, 100% hate her. I am done having her in my life, forever.

But she can't see that. It's been 4 years. She alternates between causing $#%^ for me, telling my dad i've been saying i'm suicidal etc... and begging me to talk to her, sending messages saying she misses me, talking to family about how much she misses me, talking to my FRIENDS and telling them to tell me she misses me and loves me... I'm terrified for what happens when I have a child and she decides to take some legal action as she thinks she has some god given right to be in my childs life.

Just today I heard from my brother that she wants to invite me around to her house because she's built a bar in what used to be my bedroom before she kicked me out. I just don't know how to react to her anymore. I've been ignoring her and ignoring her. In January her friend messaged me about how I should talk to her again and I replied explaining exactly why I didn't, and of course my mam was there and messaged me back twisting everything I'd said to make it seem like she did it all because she loved me... I replied back, ignoring her message but telling her friend to not message me about this again and I was sick of eating up her twisted lies. Yet that doesn't seem to get the message across.

What do I do? Do I keep ignoring her despite that not working? I know I can't talk to her calmly and rationally. The only method I have tried is telling her to f*ck right off and that I don't want her in my life now, or ever.

I literally don't know how I can get rid of her.

I'm always worried that she's going to find out where I live, she's going to find my phone number, she's stalking me online (she is), when is the next time I'm gonna hear from her, is she gonna cause more sh*t, is she gonna ###$ life up for me as soon as I have a kid of my own.

I'm just always stressed about it. I know it's a huge ask but I just want her to realise that I DO NOT want her in my life. I don't even know as a borderline myself the best way to make her see this and get her to stop contacting me.

Anyone else have a clue?

Thanks, that sounds like a good idea for the next time she inevitably contacts me. It's not like I haven't told her I don't want contact. I got a Facebook message about how we should start anew etc over New Year 2012/2013.

Has she told me why I don't talk to her? I'll tell you why. I was going through a really difficult time, she's probably told you that I thought I wanted a sex change. It took everything I could muster to tell her about it, what does she do? She tells me I'm wrong, that I shouldn't feel that way, and breaks my trust completely and told EVERYONE in my family, told all her mates, and when I confronted her about telling people about something so sensitive she said that it was her way of dealing with the situation and CONTINUED to tell people about it despite me asking her not to.

I was extremely depressed and self harming at the time. When I told her I was self harming she laughed in my face and called me an attention seeker. She told me that I was ###$ up and that I was not welcome under her roof until I'd had psychiatric help. She told me that I had 24 hours to find somewhere else to live, so I did.

After I left, she went on the PC and found my chatlogs that I'd been having with my friends about my difficulties, talking about personal things such as wanting a sex change and being depressed and self harming. Not only did she read these chat logs at work in front of her assistant, she PRINTED OFF the very worst bits, gave a copy to my nanna and threatened to give a copy to my dad. I talked about how I hated myself and wanted to die and how I was self harming. This was ONE MONTH before my nanna died. I loved my nanna so much and she died thinking these horrible things of me. I will never ever forgive her for that.

A year later, at Christmas, I decided, hey why not give her another chance? It's Christmas, might as well. I know I would want another chance if I had done something like that. So I took my boyfriend over to her house on boxing day and she was acting all nice. That was until 2 months later when she started sending my dad text messages saying one of my Facebook friends was messaging her and saying that I wanted to kill myself on Facebook. I hadn't said any such thing and when I asked her to tell me who had been telling her that stuff she refused to say - that's because she was making it all up to try to cause trouble.

I gave her another chance and she blew it. I don't need this trouble in my life. She should have thought about how much she'd miss be before she treated her own daughter like complete and utter $#%^. and that is the reason why I don't talk to her and am not going to.

It's clear as day that I don't want her talking to me. I keep getting messages on Facebook though about how she "loves" me and "misses" me. I hope a clear letter about not wanting to speak to her ever again will help... Though she's threatened suicide before.

BPD's can be very persistent. Is she into some sort of therapy or is she aware that she's got BPD? Maybe if you tell her, she's got BPD and should consider therapy, that might get her some insight.

But your biggest responsibility is towards yourself. So make sure you're healthy in this process of protecting yourself from an unhealthy influence.

Feathers wrote:I have BPD, STRONGLY convinced my mother has it too,

- Spends loads of money, gets into debt
- Sleeps around
- Can be a complete and utter b*tch one minute and sweet as f*cking sugar the next
- So so manipulative, twists f*cking everything to make her look like the good guy.

etc etc.

Basically she has done a lot of extremely EXTREMELY unforgivable things and I honestly, genuinely, 100% hate her. I am done having her in my life, forever.

But she can't see that. It's been 4 years. She alternates between causing $#%^ for me, telling my dad i've been saying i'm suicidal etc... and begging me to talk to her, sending messages saying she misses me, talking to family about how much she misses me, talking to my FRIENDS and telling them to tell me she misses me and loves me... I'm terrified for what happens when I have a child and she decides to take some legal action as she thinks she has some god given right to be in my childs life.

Just today I heard from my brother that she wants to invite me around to her house because she's built a bar in what used to be my bedroom before she kicked me out. I just don't know how to react to her anymore. I've been ignoring her and ignoring her. In January her friend messaged me about how I should talk to her again and I replied explaining exactly why I didn't, and of course my mam was there and messaged me back twisting everything I'd said to make it seem like she did it all because she loved me... I replied back, ignoring her message but telling her friend to not message me about this again and I was sick of eating up her twisted lies. Yet that doesn't seem to get the message across.

What do I do? Do I keep ignoring her despite that not working? I know I can't talk to her calmly and rationally. The only method I have tried is telling her to f*ck right off and that I don't want her in my life now, or ever.

I literally don't know how I can get rid of her.

I'm always worried that she's going to find out where I live, she's going to find my phone number, she's stalking me online (she is), when is the next time I'm gonna hear from her, is she gonna cause more sh*t, is she gonna ###$ life up for me as soon as I have a kid of my own.

I'm just always stressed about it. I know it's a huge ask but I just want her to realise that I DO NOT want her in my life. I don't even know as a borderline myself the best way to make her see this and get her to stop contacting me.

Anyone else have a clue?

honestly, I know how you feel. i have carried resentment for my bpd mother for years. but recently I realized that if I hate her,I have to hate myself too. And Ive learned in my psychology class that in a dysfunctional family, the safer parent receives all the hatred, while the parent that cant accept rage (usually a narcissist) becomes idealized. That was how it was with my parents. Only recently have I realized that both of my parents are completely f**ked up selfish a**holes, and that I have to hate them both equally....and of course I cant go around hating both my parents, so Iv learned to love them for their good qualities, and hate them for their bad qualities. And honestly, I doubt your father is mr. perfect. If he was, you wouldnt have bpd (bpd is caused by insecure attachments with BOTH parents). So try to dispense blame evenly in your head (because you probably never will be able to out loud),and youll find yourself more accepting of your parents and yourself.

I don't think it's fair to say that BPD is caused by insecure attachments to both parents because that simply isn't true. Why would you say that? Why would you tell me I should hate both my parents equally when my dad hasn't done any of the awful things my mother has done and I'm still on speaking terms?

Seems a bit horrible.

They don't live together and haven't since I was 9 so it's not like he's standing by in the same home as me and letting this happen and it's horrible of you to assume that. I'm sorry but your post has really annoyed me. Just because you hate both your parents that doesn't mean you have to project that hate onto other people.

God, I'm sorry to hear your mom has been such a bad influence in your life. My mom has BPD too though she is more neglectful than anything. I never did tell her I ended up BPD too. She never believed in my suffering, always had to one up me if I had any struggles in life, and I had serious struggles.

What I am coming to accept is that she simply will never be aware how much she has hurt me and how damaging her personality has been. And nothing can rewind time and give me a real childhood. I live a thousand miles away now and try my absolute hardest to make it clear to her and to my father with NPD traits that I am in control of the contact between us and that I won't accept my boundaries being violated. It hasn't been easy. But I feel like it was necessary to accept that my parents are not parents to me, that I need to slowly learn to be for me what they could not and cannot, and that the only acceptable relationship with them is businesslike and impersonal.

*hugs* so I can relate. Sorry to hear that her reaction was so bad about your gender issues too. I was raised as a boy and my family are the only people who would ever call me that. They are blind to the reality, all they see is what they want me to be. I have found a supportive environment and a life as a girl without expecting their acceptance. My boyfriend and his family have been more of a family to me than my parents ever would.

It sounds like you want to go NC and I think it's very strong to be able to admit that to yourself. I hope that you can stay strong and remember that you deserve to be happy. More hugs and take care. =o)

I have actually been mostly NC for four years I'm just always dreading the next time she contacts me.

Since I posted this I've done some reading and I think she might actually be a narcissist

Feathers wrote:I have actually been mostly NC for four years I'm just always dreading the next time she contacts me.

Since I posted this I've done some reading and I think she might actually be a narcissist

I am not a professional/don't know her so my opinion isn't worth much but that was what I was thinking too when I read your first post.