The Moments that Changed You *TW

In a meeting with my therapist this week she said that its important to think about the moments in our early life that have changed us forever. This reminded me of something I had once read that said that everytime parents fight in front of their children they are changed.

The most interesting part of the conversation was when she pointed out that at moments of trauma, its not the actual factual details of the event that stick with us and have the potential to change us or cause problems in the future. It was our "at the momen"t understanding of the events that stick with us, that its in those moments that we develop beliefs about ourselves, others, relationships etc that that become problematic - these beliefs become the patterns of behaviour that we struggle to work through in our adult lives.

I have to go now but would like to discuss this more later on.

Do you agree? Do you remember the moments that have changed you?

When I learned that my grandmother passed away. (She was like a mother to me)
-I remember thinking and feeling like "my life will never be the same ever again."

When my sister passed away
-I remember thinking, "I don't want to do this anymore." (ie. be that person going in and out of hospitals my entire life and being that person who defines themselves by their psychiatric disability)

Those are two huge ones for me.

I remember very clearly the first time I heard an AK rifle on fully automatic, and how my mother's hands trembled as she set out the gunshot wound dressings. I was about 10

I was a very sensitive child (duh!) and these bullies would tease me mercilessly on the school
bus when I was 5. My sister was with me. I would cry every single day. My Mom was concerned
about my crying so she said to my sister in front of me, the next time she cries let me know and
I will give her the beating of her life. So of course I cried. I came home in terror and hid in the
closet. She beat me with a belt. I remember the whole thing and how terrrorized I felt.

After that incident I made the decision that I could not be myself. That I had to hide my feelings
to survive. I was only successful part of the time since I was so sensitive.

It was the trauma that changed my life

JHP... thats horrifying omg.

Cheze2... did your grandmother or sister have a psychiatric disability. How old were you?


Monkey66 wrote: After that incident I made the decision that I could not be myself. That I had to hide my feelings to survive. I was only successful part of the time since I was so sensitive.

Monkey,
Its interesting that you would say that in that moment you made a decision about yourself and your behaviour in order to survive. I think thats key, at least for me it was. How old were you?

There were a few instances that have stuck for me too I was 9. Mom tried to commit suicide, I went and got her pills for her - I guess the chemist had no problem giving perscriptions to littles at that time. Dad met someone else and moved out. My parents were young and fought openly about their relationship, were violent with one another, disrespectful. Everyone was falling apart around me so I decided to be the strong one for my mom and sister. I began denying my feelings then, took on the responsibility of keeping everyone happy. I became the parent, while at the same time hating the roll and getting none my emotional needs met.

As an adult, its been very difficult to connect with people intimately, it would always be accompanied by fear. I have made many important decisions based on what I thought was right according to somebody elses moral/social code that was not my own, looking for approval outside myself. I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men, and saw emotional vulnerability in women as weakness.

I was probably no older than 6. My mother and my brother both had tempers and they would always yell at each other, at me, at anything... or throw things. Though they didn't intend to hit me... just in my direction. Anyway, I remember the moment I had this thought: that everything I said made them angry. So I wrote myself a note "don't talk", and I would repeat it to myself over and over again. I'd forget, you know... I'd have to ask for things. I just so often regretted opening my mouth.

Anyway... I felt like I was alone, that I didn't have anybody. I used to plan to run away a lot. Before I could even tie my shoes. The first time I really tried, I sat on the porch and just tied my shoelaces in knots. I didn't know where to go though... I just hid in the bushes beside the house. But no one ever looked for me.

I remember a lot of things that changed me. My whole childhood.

Letha,

Do you find that that ever comes back on you, the feeling that you shouldn't talk, or that everyone was always mad at you, or the desire to go and that no one would care if you did. In your adult life I mean?

Absolutely. It's taken me a very long time to work through this fear I've had of people. I've felt like everyone could be unpredictable... I was always careful. I might anger someone and they'd blow up at me. I was very bad at confrontation of course.

And just talking... well, I got very quiet. I found it difficult to finish sentences or make sense out of what I was trying to say. I was too nervous. I still do these long, dramatic pauses... trying to scope out what the reaction might be. I actually used to have my ex do all the talking for me. I would just look over at him and he'd answer for me.

I don't try to avoid people now though, and I've become very outspoken, oddly. But when people do yell at me or get angry, I still feel attacked. I start shaking. I have to get away.

As for feeling unwanted, or not belonging, or not cared for... yes, still. When I was a teenager and early 20s it turned into "I could die and no one would know or care." I would do things to see if anyone would notice, or care. And... for the most part, they didn't. I felt comfort only from doctors or nurses.

Now, I'm not around a lot of people, except at work. I've moved around a lot and don't have friends or family... so... I don't feel neglected by these people anymore.

Whenlmetsm,

I'm sorry for the trauma you went through and the decisions you had to make to protect yourself.

I was 5 when I decided I had to seek approval and not show my emotions. I held everything in. I
was out of school for a month or two due to stomach problems/constipation. And I was then abused
by teachers at a very strict school that used paddling/shame.

Anyways, that's interesting what you say about not trusting people to get close to you because of your
fears due to what happened. Me too. And picking unavailable men and not respecting women who are
emotionally vulnerable. I want to think about that . I know about the men part...I do that too. But it
does seem like i have a pattern of not respecting women who are vulnerable or weak. (even though I am that way) I tend to choose male therapist. I actually consciously chose a woman therapist this time because of this pattern. And I tend to trust male authority figures more. A woman has to have a masculine quality to her for me to trust her. (though some of my best friends are typical female) But
for a doctor or a therapist or someone to help with my business, I tend to choose men or masculine woman. I think it took me so long to know certain things about me because I didn't examine what my moral code or beliefs were. I was in survival mode for so long. It is still a work in progress. I have PTSD and there is a part of me that is in survival mode still. I have chronic fatigue and stress that I bring on. Thank you for your thoughts. It is sparking me to think about stuff.
Monkey

-- Fri Nov 22, 2013 9:53 pm --

Oh, one more thing. I hope with your clarity and awareness of your patterns, that you can
transform them.

The hardest thing for me is knowing the right thing and doing the opposite.

Why do we Borderlines sometimes do this?

I think fear of change and abandonment is what sparks the being stuck and making bad decisions

whenlmeetsm wrote:Cheze2... did your grandmother or sister have a psychiatric disability. How old were you?

No, neither my grandmother or sister had a psychiatric disability. I was 12 when my grandmother passed away. I was then in and out of psych hospitals from 13 till 18. I was 18 when my sister passed away (she was 15). I was then able to stay out of the hospital for 7 years. I have been back since, but recovery is not a linear journey, and relapse is part of recovery.