Someone please help me (TW)

I don't even care how ridiculous this all sounds--I need to vent. I'm nearing the point at which I'm really just about done with life. BPD crept upon me in my mid-adolescence, and has only gotten progressively worse. I feel as though I can't do, say, think, or feel anything right--or at least, the way that a normal person would. I'm really resisting the urge to self-harm right now, because if I do, my boyfriend will have a f*cking fit. I honestly don't know what to say or do anymore--and to be quite frank, it doesn't really matter. Lately, I've been feeling as though the world would be a lot better off without me and my persistent wallowing. My family doesn't care about (no one does, really), and my boyfriend probably hates me--and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to overlook or forget the things about him and such that make me feel like he truly doesn't love or care for me...even though I know, intellectually, that it's all in my f*cking head. We just got into a tiff, and rather than trying to understand the bare bones of what's going on, HEEEEE is sitting and pouting in the other room. I'm just so sick of it, and I simply don't want to do this anymore. Nothing EVER helps--no amount of quality therapy, medication, or the like are effective--I'm really beginning to believe that I'm hopeless, and would be better off locked up or dead. To make matters worse, my body dysmorphia has transformed (yet again) what I was FINALLY beginning to think of as a reasonably healthy self-image into a complete monstrosity--I can't even go out in public without feeling like a f*cking grotesque troll. Seriously, there's no hope for me. Absolutely none. And nobody cares. I can't keep a relationship in tact--and the one that I thought was relatively good and had staying power is evidently falling apart right in front of my face, I can't stay on a legitimate diet (yet keep complaining about my weight--even though everyone claims that I'm thin), I have hideous scars all over my body (from self-injury), I've abused my hair with extensions for such a protracted period that I've actually LOST a good chunk of it, I hate the way my breasts look (they make me feel fat--and I keep thinking that if I become ridiculously thin, they'll vanish), I've violated my own principles and values in an attempt to evade my own numbness and self-loathing, etc., etc.--the list goes f**king on. I'm so over it.

I'm here with you in this horrible, miserable place right now. I also feel like recovery is lost on me and all is completely hopeless. You're not alone, although I don't know if it helps you to know.

big hugs for you dear.

i know how you feel about wanting to act on your own feelings yet also fearing for how others would react to it, esp people you love i.e. your boyf..

he's pouting and also emotional because he, like you, is also human.. and i am sure he doesn't hate you. if he really does, that doesnt explain why he would get into a fit if you hurt yourself.

the fact that you're trying, is good enough. tell yourself that!! don't give up.. even if there doesnt seem to be positive effects. if you put so much on your own place, you won't be able to cope as well as if you do it bit by bit. i experience that overwhelming feeling when i cram too much thoughts and crap into my mind worrying about this that, and it makes me all just want to shut down and it all starts with a tiff.

i self loathe too but it helps to think that all that emotions are caused by an inner child who hasnt been given the chance to grow, and not the actual rational you (who bothers to type all these here).. so its really not your fault ok? remember that !