Cut-and-run friendships and forgiveness

Hey, first post here.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6-8 months and in the last three months we've come to a realization that I'm pretty consistent with a BPD diagnosis, though admittedly not as intense as a lot I've read/heard about. I've been re-evaluating some of my failed friendships in the past (read: almost all of them) and I'm wondering if other people do the same, or feel the same way about them. So here goes:

When I start becoming friends with a person, I feel really energized by them, and I want to spend a lot of time with them, and this feeling persists for a long time. But there's a certain turning point after some difficult event arises (a falling-out with a mutual friend or a big argument, you know, normal stuff) where I can't reconcile the old feel-good friendship with the new messy one, so I just walk. I delete their numbers from my phone and vanish the best I can, feeling like an awful guilty mess the whole time, but also somehow satisfied by up and leaving. (That satisfaction is a common thread for me; I feel better when I make things worse, in a perverse way...)

Anyway, after all that it's like I can't go back. I accidentally bumped into one of these exiled friends yesterday and she was only interested in reconnecting - she didn't seem mad at all, even though I would be- if not furious- then at least totally uninterested in meeting up again. I guess I just don't know how to maintain any relationship, or to re-ignite the ones that I single-handedly destroyed, when I assume that I won't be forgiven.

Anyone done/currently does this, or has a way to deal, or just wants to share? (I'm a male in my early 20's by the way - if that helps you relate or anything...)

Thank you.

I think that the discomfort and animosity does play a big role. I remember vividly cutting ties with a friend after she suggested that I had a drinking problem, and even though I knew I did, her acknowledging it was somehow infuriating, like she was on the attack or trying to hurt me, which was, of course, illogical. Other times though, I think I just let go of people who got too close. For instance, an older friend, who I'll idly speculate has BPD herself, became an excellent confidant and encouraged me to get help, as well as offering me emotional support when I was feeling very alone. The more I confessed to her, though, the more uncomfortable it got, but the more she took a liking to me, culminating in a complicated turn of events where, again, I ran away. I don't know, relationships seem so counter-intuitive to me...

If it is a feeling of shame due to vulnerability, I can relate.

I've done this before.

I feel this way with a couple of my neighbors at the moment

I think that makes sense- vulnerability and opening up can feel good, but I guess it gets pretty intense, especially when it's about some of my messier problems.

RandomRules -

I think that makes sense- vulnerability and opening up can feel good, but I guess it gets pretty intense, especially when it's about some of my messier problems.

Maybe you get a sense of the other ( esp women) feeling empowered, having control... by knowing and understanding your psyche a little more....?

Maybe 'cos your moods change so dramatically regarding your perspective on things , it is draining to be encumbered with someone you have revealed a certain side to; there is pressure to maintain that facet of your personality and you then feel fake if another mood descends.....and know they wouldn't understand as well as it being too exhausting for you to recapture the frame of mind/mood in which you did reveal an aspect of yourself to? They relate to you based on what you have shared with them.....but the reality is you shift and shape depending on mood and r'ship becomes strained cos they think they know you...... ?
Just speculating

That's actually pretty insightful! It does feel like I have to play a certain role to meet expectations, and it is very frustrating. It's sort of surreal to see other people actually 'getting it'... Thanks for the insight.

Hi There!

Yes what is happening is common. I think it has something to do with being overly sensitive to being abandoned and rejected. Throw intense emotions in there and it's pretty hard to function socially. I have noticed a similar pattern in myself. I'll have one or two really really good friends, I do everything with them, then something happens and then we never speak again.

As I get older and more aware of my issues it makes losing these friends even harder, because I feel it's all my fault. Sometimes I feel justified in my feelings, then I'll doubt if my feelings are even real. It's very confusing.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice as this is something I struggle with daily.

Best of luck!

AB

randomrules wrote:Hey, first post here.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for about 6-8 months and in the last three months we've come to a realization that I'm pretty consistent with a BPD diagnosis, though admittedly not as intense as a lot I've read/heard about. I've been re-evaluating some of my failed friendships in the past (read: almost all of them) and I'm wondering if other people do the same, or feel the same way about them. So here goes:

When I start becoming friends with a person, I feel really energized by them, and I want to spend a lot of time with them, and this feeling persists for a long time. But there's a certain turning point after some difficult event arises (a falling-out with a mutual friend or a big argument, you know, normal stuff) where I can't reconcile the old feel-good friendship with the new messy one, so I just walk. I delete their numbers from my phone and vanish the best I can, feeling like an awful guilty mess the whole time, but also somehow satisfied by up and leaving. (That satisfaction is a common thread for me; I feel better when I make things worse, in a perverse way...)

Anyway, after all that it's like I can't go back. I accidentally bumped into one of these exiled friends yesterday and she was only interested in reconnecting - she didn't seem mad at all, even though I would be- if not furious- then at least totally uninterested in meeting up again. I guess I just don't know how to maintain any relationship, or to re-ignite the ones that I single-handedly destroyed, when I assume that I won't be forgiven.

Anyone done/currently does this, or has a way to deal, or just wants to share? (I'm a male in my early 20's by the way - if that helps you relate or anything...)

I did this with my ex. When we broke up, we had a LOT of arguments. I always felt better after these arguments. I would delete his number, block his Facebook, etc. For a week or so I felt better. Then, I would get sad again. That's when I would unblock his number and re-add him on Facebook. And then me and him would get into an argument again, and then that's when I would block him again and I felt better. It was a cycle that continued over and over and over again for about 7 months... It's been 2 months since I last spoke with him because I finally realized that it was NOT healthy for me.

I think that we feel better when things are bad because we are used to such chaos. A lot of us had chaotic lives as children, and that's what we are used to.