I have two sides to me & its embarrassing

I really feel like theres two of me. One day I'm good, the next day I'm bad. One day, I am saying ABSOLUTELY NO to antidepressants to level out my moods. The next, I am saying, i think i NEED medication. This is all pretty tiring.

I even see some things I post on here and get embarrassed because I flip flop so much.

Its exhausting.

littlearcher wrote:do you think you can accept that you are complex and that there is more to you than good or bad?

i think part of the struggle may come from labeling yourself that way...i think the pressure can confuse things even more.

what do you think?

Little Archer,

I'm not sure if I can do this. It doesn't seem like theres many sides to me. It literally just seems like there is good and bad. Is this like the all or nothing type thinking that Im doing here?

In DBT I learned to try to use the word "and" vs "or"

so perhaps you are both good and bad
perhaps sometimes you feel happy and sometimes you feel sad

you can have both.

It sounds like you are experiencing mood swings. In BPD its common to feel depressed one day and feel good the next day. In a depressed mood its not uncommon to paint oneself black, like it sounds like you do.

Can you pinpoint anything that triggers that bad moods? Do they come out of nowhere or are they reactionary?

I can feel this way too.

That's a good idea. That's what I try to do...accept the good with the bad.

what helped me is,

seeing events, people, my habits, addictions, necessities as healthy and unhealthy instead of good and bad.

like walking maybe bad and tiring but it's healthy for my body. getting a six pack abs maybe great, but getting it too quickly is unhealthy for body. listening to music is good but which music and for how long, at which volume can be unhealthy

reading a novel is boring, but it's healthy for mind, solving a puzzle is boring but healthy for mind

if i have cough, then taking cough syrup is bad and sour but required.

i've read that with bpd, one moment it's superman, superwoman type persona and then there's the helpless baby. so its the baby that posts the challenge and often the superman/woman reads it and gets angry that i even posted my challenge. the punitive parent part comes in here.

one suggestion to help this...may trigger so read it with caution and i have no intention to hurt anyone..

never try to appear helpless, only when you feel you're miserable, then show it..but its easy to stay in depression or even think you're in depression. this has happened to me quite often. its like i want to stay depressed, i want to feel miserable. so try to avoid that, try to be true to yourself. but when i am depressed i let it stay within for sometime and then slowly climb out of it.

hope this didnt trigger anyone. i've posted the last part only cause of personal experience.

have a nice day ahead.

Yes that's the worst state Jaus Tail when you are feeling hopeless and keep the depression and
despair going because that is what we are used to. Our minds stay in a rut if we think the same
way over and over. The thinking becomes neurologically ingrained eventually. If we begin to think
in healthy ways eventually it becomes more second nature. To do the opposite when we are depressed for example. To be with people even if its scary and uncomfortable. My therapist said that this way
became so painful that he had to change, he had to get out of the victim mode. And when he learned
how to surrender to Spirit (that was his path) eventually THAT way became easier and easier. Now I'm
in the in between place where I am healing and starting to do things differently, but it is painful and
sometimes I feel very empty. But the more I replace the depression or the addiction with something
that brings me joy, the easier it will be for me. So I am forcing myself to exercise, to dance etc.

jaus tail wrote:what helped me is,

seeing events, people, my habits, addictions, necessities as healthy and unhealthy instead of good and bad.

have a nice day ahead.

this is fantastic advice jaus...and you too have a lovely day!

I'm the same, but there's always a constant voice that's inbetween the two. The "logic", if you will. It's not always voiced in my thoughts but when it is it's often ignored if the "bad" me is on.

I like what was said about healthy versus unhealthy actions.