An idea

If this is a bad idea, just say that it is a bad idea but dont be mean about it.


I wonder if we should look at the people who are good in our lives and the ones who treat us well and see why they treat us well, what is good about ourselves and then see how we can copy the good parts of what those who treat us well do.

Like I said, if this is a bad idea, just say so, but be nice about it.

I think it's a good idea. The other idea to 'not be hard on yourself' i received was to write down the positive events of my life.

Nvm.

It wouldn't work for me

I only feel safe and at peace
when I give myself love and
validation.

And when my loved ones are
going through stuff and cannot
love me at certain times, if i
based my worth on their validation
than I would feel less than in those
instances.

Cate68 wrote:If this is a bad idea, just say that it is a bad idea but dont be mean about it.


I wonder if we should look at the people who are good in our lives and the ones who treat us well and see why they treat us well, what is good about ourselves and then see how we can copy the good parts of what those who treat us well do.

Like I said, if this is a bad idea, just say so, but be nice about it.

OK I won't be mean. I can't say if its a good idea or not though. I know people can choose to find things in other people they admire and then strive towards the same, but people also can't undo issues by doing this, so it may be parts of both sides for some. People know themselves and whether that would be helpful to them or not, as long as they are aware of ways it could play into issues and parts that also need to be approached differently, it has to come down to how you feel about that kind of thing yourself.

Yea. Self love is difficult. I often have to use patterns as a mirror. I may not be able to do that in this case, though. The people who treat me well are similar in personality to my sisters, so that might be what is going on.

I don't know why I have gone backwards in my development. For a long time, I was doing really well.

I was doing really well around the time of the state fair which was about a month ago. Then, I began going down as we approached the time of my daughters Navy graduation. Since then, I have stayed to myself.

I can easily see the *splitting* but I don't know how to get at it.

-- Mon Oct 28, 2013 8:50 pm --

So maybe in my case, then, I might should compleley dismantle this idea and look at the various vicious cycles and see what can be done about the cycles, rather than worry about "who I am."

Allowing other people to define us is dangerous.

Cate68 wrote:I can easily see the *splitting* but I don't know how to get at it.

What are you afraid of about getting close? (It doesn't make sense to push a person away in such an extreme way unless you're threatened somehow.)

Whatever it is that's bothering you (probably best that you don't say what because you're already trying to protect yourself from closeness in some way) find another way to protect yourself/get your needs met.

I am afraid that the lady will hurt me. I have done a lot wrong and she has plenty of ammunition against me. At the same time, she is at times emotionally abusive. I just looked at DEARMAN.

Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful Appear Confident
Negotiate.

There isn't entirely a way to negotiate with this lady.

I know that she is just human. Its just that she can be very very ugly at times. She pushes some sort of PTSD button.

Cate68 wrote:If this is a bad idea, just say that it is a bad idea but dont be mean about it.


I wonder if we should look at the people who are good in our lives and the ones who treat us well and see why they treat us well, what is good about ourselves and then see how we can copy the good parts of what those who treat us well do.

Like I said, if this is a bad idea, just say so, but be nice about it.

It seems like you're talking about some form of backwards mirroring. I don't know how else to describe it. Normally with mirroring you try and mimic or take on behaviors / traits of someone you like/admire and then make them your own, but what you're talking about is mirroring another persons positive viewpoint/image/perception of what they see in you, and then creating your image based off of those viewpoints you like.

If my interpretation is correct then I don't think it would be helpful, because it wouldn't remain consistent. Generally when we mirror another person it's short lived. I don't see why it would be any different with another persons viewpoint. I suppose it could be helpful in that it might help you to learn about yourself ie. person X thinks your caring, you think about it (rather than try to copy their viewpoint of you), and then form your own conclusion as to whether or not your caring. if you look at it from that perspective, then it's you who decided that you're caring, and in a roundabout way person X's opinion/perception then validates your conclusion.

I think you have to be careful in doing this type of stuff, because it can lead to pitfalls.
person X thinks you're caring, what happens if person C thinks the opposite? The other thing you have to remain mindful of, is no matter what you decide, there will always be people who disagree. That's why you have to KNOW for yourself rather than COPY what someone else believes to be true.