Does it ever get better?

Have any of you been able to pursue a normal life? Have things looked up since diagnosis/treatment? I wasn't diagnosed until 23 and my whole life has been a train wreck perhaps until age 18 and then it has gotten slightly more even perhaps due to maturity and more responsibilities. But the pain, ambivalence, fear, emptiness, and hell inside hasn't subsided and my patten of ruining relationships and alienating people hasn't stopped repeating itself. I tried psychoanalysis for 8 years (although my family believe this therapist was only out to get money and make me dependent on him) and did CBT for a year plus two rounds of DBT classes (to be fair I didn't try my best in these classes and did more of the processing than actual assignments hoping I can use DBT on a more one to one level with a personal therapist). Now I'm paying $150 a week to a therapist who specializes in DBT and am taking medications while intensely exercising every day, and the patterns are still there.

I work 60 hours a week and have no days off, I am too tired to do errands and my free time is occupied by seeing friends because I don't want to be alone. I'm trying my best by staying fit, socializing, taking meds religiously and reading in order to stay healthy and keep my mind occupied but the cycles of self destruction still continue. I keep dating and repeating the same mistakes. Sometimes I am haunted by suicidal ideation. My work is in the psychiatric field so I see myself in patients all the time.

I wonder if this will ever get better? I'm starting a masters program in a few months and quitting one of my jobs even though that will leave me with difficulty to pay bills. I just want a light at the end of the tunnel. Has anyone ever fully recovered from this monstrous disease?

It does get better. Perhaps by no more than the effluxion of time? I was very sick with this curse of ours as a teen and young adult - but life is far better now.

How old are you? I want to know by what stage of life this will subside. I have known BPD people having it in their mid 30s and my father has BPD traits and he's 60.

I've read at a few places that BPD symptoms *may* start to ease by a person's 30s or 40s. But because that may happen to one, that doesn't mean it will happen to everyone.

I'm close to 40 and I'm just as symptomatic as I was when I was 21. Something to consider.

I have realized that the BPD traits aren't wrong on their own. It is normal to seek unconditional love and fear abandonement. it is who i'm seeking that love from that matters. I try to give myself that love and have a few friends on this forum.

About fear of abandonment, i've realized that it's ok. it really is ok if the other person leaves me. I dont want to stretch the friendship like a chewing gum. I know it's tough to stay alone but its ok, i'd rather have a peace of mind than lots of friends. I just have one real life friend and its cool cause even he's a loner. i try to surround myself with people with whom i get along with.

and i've learnt that friendship isnt about facebook likes and texting each other each day. for me its about being there when needed, helping the other person and vice versa.

i think you're trying too hard. dont let the disorder take over your life. its good that your working out but expecting the disorder to go away so easily is a bit too much. its not a scar that you apply some cream and it'll fade. i think of it as a daily challenge and less of a disease. there are those with worse cases.

i received some good tips from this forum,
1) my bpd n mood swings didnt come from anywhere. i was mistreated
2) i am not perfect. staying noble and perfect wont take me to heaven
3) the only way to get back to those who gave me this bpd, is by living the life i would've had i not have bpd.

i sound like a hypocrite cause i cry everyday, but its ok. its ok because i know there's going to be a morning and i'll have this forum for help

I like your attitude jaus tail. You seem to look at your disorder in a very balanced but accepting way, and I like that.

For me, especially when going through really difficult stuff, it's hard to be positive and know that I will get through it. While I'm in that hell, all I can see is that hell and no end to it. Some times my feelings overwhelm me and I can't help feeling hopeless, helpless, etc. It's nearly impossible, if not impossible, to get myself out of that mind-set while in the thick of it, and all I can do is ride it out until it passes.

jaus tail

Your posts helps me. Thank you.

blank identity wrote:I've read at a few places that BPD symptoms *may* start to ease by a person's 30s or 40s. But because that may happen to one, that doesn't mean it will happen to everyone.

I'm close to 40 and I'm just as symptomatic as I was when I was 21. Something to consider.

I tend to agree with this. I'm 44 and just as f**ked up as what I was when I was a teen. I think some things have improved like coping ahead and other things haven't like interpersonal relationships. I'm much more detached than what I've ever been in my life. I'm probably a lot more hopeless than what I was in my 20's and 30's.

I often wonder what I'd be like today if dbt and the internet had been around when I was in my 20's. I put in a lot more effort to try and have friends. I don't have that same desire for friends now. It's hard for me to connect with people and often I just see it as too much effort.

It's true though that symptoms due ease for many people later in life. I'm just not one of those people and it appears blank isn't either.

It's hard for me to connect too nowadays...but aside from that I feel I'm much better now that I'm older. I was so destructive when I was young and I wasn't about to let anyone get close to me. I probably wouldn't have shared anything online either, not that I was even too self - aware. I just felt endless pain and hurt. When I was a teenager I did a lot of drugs and then when I hit 21 I drank myself silly every single night for 10 years straight. I did dangerous/stupid things constantly. I didn't want to live. Sometimes, I wonder how I am even alive. I hit 30 and quit with relationships. I also quit drinking and started making attempts at taking care of my self and my health. Involvement with a npd last year and some of this year wasn't the best thing...but it taught me things about myself too. I don't think progress is ever a straight line...I saw someone on here had that pic of recovery going in loops - up/down and all over the place. I agree with that. I could probably slip sometimes but I don't see myself ever going back to the way I used to be. I would hope that going back to that person that I was wouldn't be possible for me.

Your welcome. I've heard somewhere that when you smile, you're speaking with god but when you make others smile, god is praying for you. So with all your prayers i might look forward to get struck by a lightning and get super powers. Alright, bring it on aliens, lightning man has arrived.

On a serious note, i cry every day but its ok. Its ok because i know i have friends on this forum. I know that bpd is tough but its ok. It really is ok if i have bpd or a changing identity/perception because that's the way it is.

I still have a bare emotional defence, i dont know how to exactly put it in words but like all the emotions are extreme. If someone says a bad thing, even a slight taunt, i'll get very angry and think of that person as an enemy, like arch rival degree enemy. I stay calm and not show anger but i still get very angry, very quickly.