Should borderlines forget about having relationships?

I'm a borderline male and I've sabotaged every relationship I ever had with a woman. I come on strong, then once the girl likes me back I start testing them over and over again and then end up making them sick and end the relationship. My tests are trust tests, attention tests, validation tests. I seek from them trust that they won't abandon me, I seek attention from them, and I seek to be validated by them by sharing my personal life with them. They stay away and hate me for it after a while.

I've only had a relationship (3 years) with another person who was a BPD female. I couldn't have one for more than a week or so any other time. I committed suicide and succeeded only to be resuscitated miraculously a few years ago for a few reasons dealing with my family, my depression, and school, but the main overshadowing reason was my loneliness and inability to find a healthy relationship. And the guilt of having ruined all of them through my own actions. I don't consider doing that again but have SI every time after a failed attempt at a relationship. I've come to terms with the fact that I may be single for life. It just seems to me that BPD females have it much easier than males because there will always be a man patient and solid enough to deal with a woman's BPD, but women in general are too emotional/sensitive to deal with a man who has BPD.

I know fully well the hell I put others through and understand why they see me as weak, pathetic, emotional, bad, etc. I know I am the way I am and I've tried for over a decade using therapy to change myself and it hasn't worked at all. I'm still the same way. I am a little calmer with the help of medications but I haven't changed. I still have those trust, abandonment, validation, attention issues. It will never go away it seems, and I don't know what I did or what any of us BPD's did to deserve having this horrible disorder.

Is it better? I don't know. Is that really what you want? To just be alone all the time in the end? Do you wanna be a monk and abandon the material world?

I do not think there's an easy answer. But, it is my belief that it truly is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I don't know what would do without my past experiences. If my past was even emptier than it is now. I don't want that at all. Maybe it is selfish but maybe I have to hurt people to live my life. It is not entirely hurting people either. You are truly unique and even if that bothers you, you should certainly be able to be something to someone... I believe that...

I hope that helps you... sorry you are feeling so sad be well...

Meeb wrote: I've come to terms with the fact that I may be single for life.

I understand your worry and frustration but with so many variables and unknowns in life, the probability of that actually being "fact" are very, very slim.

To address your question directly: No. I don't believe anyone suffering from BPD should write-off ever having a relationship. Doing that would be the equivalent of saying "My disorder defines me".

I think it's a very common theme for anyone struggling with this disorder to have lost relationships with people in ways that directly relate to the symptoms and I'm sure everyone here would agree that they wished it wasn't like that and that nobody was ever getting hurt. But I think it often gets forgotten that most people in general have at least one person (often more) whom they've lost through fault of their own and who have carried (or still do) some regret and possibly even shame because of it. I think those -- the realization that we weren't ready but wished we had been -- are moments where life allows us to define who we are as opposed to how we just were.

Of course that means it becomes incumbent on us to become more ready for it; to understand ourselves, how we work and why and to then change some of those things.

BPD isn't some kind of death sentence, It doesn't mean a person won't have love nor does it mean a person will never have peace and happiness in life. There are people who have overcome the obstacles it presents. Not just one, or two, but many. Kiera Van Gelder, Tami Green even Marsha Linehan to name a few. Those people aren't any different than you or any better than you; they are you. And if they are you, that means you can be them.

Sorry you're feeling so down and discouraged Meeb.

I don't know if I necessarily agree that its easier for BPD women. Maybe when they are young. As I'm getting older its getting harder and harder to hold onto boyfriends. When I was young I could get away with murder and guys would come back to me, but as I'm getting older its not as easy to hold onto men once my crazy side shows.

It seems for men, even BPD men, it shouldn't be all that hard considering there are a lot of women out there who are desperate for a commitment and are willing to put up with a lot in order to be with someone. Think of all the women who stay with men who beat them or who are drug addicts. Women will usually tolerate a lot.

I think its a matter of finding someone you have compatibility with, and when your relationship progresses enough to where you can tell her you have BPD and how is affects your behavior, there are women who will be understanding and compassionate enough to want to stay with you and work on it.

Of course, if you do something bad enough to sabatoge the relationship after that, that is another story. Finding an understanding compatible women is one step but after that you will need to continue to work on coping skills to deal with your urge to sabatoge the relationship or push the person away. Its hard, but its something you deal with a day at a time and a step at a time.

i have trust issues and fear of abandonment and now i dont attach myself to anyone fearing i might be left alone.

I can understand the questioning. I mean I am actually getting married next week and I still put him through Hell, I cannot help it. I know one day I will be alone.. and I know I just feel like letting him go and leaving him to pursue a 'normal' relationship.

HuiYaMing wrote:I can understand the questioning. I mean I am actually getting married next week and I still put him through Hell, I cannot help it. I know one day I will be alone.. and I know I just feel like letting him go and leaving him to pursue a 'normal' relationship.

This so much. I wish he had the strength to find somebody better than me. I don't deserve him but I do not want to lose him. I wish he had never met me and I wish he had never loved me so I didn't have to hurt him.

vertices wrote:

HuiYaMing wrote:I can understand the questioning. I mean I am actually getting married next week and I still put him through Hell, I cannot help it. I know one day I will be alone.. and I know I just feel like letting him go and leaving him to pursue a 'normal' relationship.

This so much. I wish he had the strength to find somebody better than me. I don't deserve him but I do not want to lose him. I wish he had never met me and I wish he had never loved me so I didn't have to hurt him.

I spoke to my partner last night about this, and he stated it's because he loves me that's why he's with me. So we all deserve love, just some of us are harder to love but when we're loved, it's real.

Women definitely don't have it easier. I'm always seen as clingy and whiny and melodramatic. Just last week, my boyfriend wanted to break up because he says we're always fighting over little things and he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong to make me so upset all the time. I am very in love with him, so I convinced him it was my fault (I guess it really is) and that if he have me a second chance, I would fix it. I can't even tell someone I'm with that I'm BPD because what if, instead of seeing it as a good explanation for my behavior, they see it as a sign that I'm "unstable" and can control the problem so they should just leave now. It's an equal struggle for everyone, I think.

Thank sexism for this but clingy, emotional, etc are tolerated and even sometimes expected in women. A man with those characteristics is dehumanized, seen as pathetic, a eunuch. And definitely written off as marriage material because no matter how old and desperate a woman is, those behaviors are universal dealbreakers when seen in men.