Recovering from BPD

I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD this past summer and my initial reaction to it was immense relief. After dealing with the impacts of my self-destructive behavior, the beast in my brain finally had a name, and I have a path toward recovery. It has been a slow process, and I still have many times where I don't have control over my emotions but being able to see the path- and mainly stay on it- has been so helpful in this process. Right now I am using a combination of medicines from my psychiatrist, CBT therapy with a very supportive therapist, and doing DBT on my own with the help of the internet and some great resources I've found in books. I know BPD can be very difficult and painful for family members, significant others, friends, etc., but if someone is willing to put in effort to recover, support and understanding is what's needed for recovery and the past needs to remain there.

A little bit about me personally... my parents are divorced and I was raised by a mother with bipolar disorder. As a sensitive child, my emotions were often seen as something I needed to get over and I was frequently neglected emotionally. As I grew into my early teens (13-16) I was molested by a roommate my mother had in our home. This violation of the blind trust I had as a child propelled my already fragile emotional state into turmoil. When I turned 18, I ran from my family into the arms of an emotionally and at times physically abusive man. I stayed in that state of turmoil for years and was blessed with a little boy who is my world.

I used drugs, and after leaving that relationship, I drank frequently and engaged in a slew of negative behaviors like frequent sex with strangers and found myself often in unhealthy and abusive relationships. This pattern of extreme, and at the time, unexplained behavior left my family and myself baffled. I so needed validation and attention and had no idea how to get that. I let my extreme emotions control my actions and after a particularly abusive relationship, I ended up on my mother's door step in the middle of the night with my son in toe, begging for a place to stay.

After that, I fell into a deep depression. Jobless, hopeless, and completely lost, I continued going out frequently and drinking to the point of black out, having sex with strangers, and had absolutely no sense of self. It wasn't until I met my current boyfriend that I finally found a path forward. I met him at a local bar and after a night of drinking, I was smashed so he offered to take me home. I assumed that this would be a hookup like all the others so I warned him about the scars and cuts on my legs (I have been a cutter since 13), and he looked at me and asked if I had BPD.

I had thought before that I might have BPD, but had never had anyone else suspicious of the same diagnosis. When we reached my home that night, and he did not try and hookup with me, even though I tried to with him. He has supported me and helped me find a psychiatrist, find a job, and finally find a way forward. I cannot stress enough how vital support like that is for someone with BPD. Without that unconditional love and support, I do not know if I would be where I am today.

My days now are filled with purpose and at times, I am starting to feel peace- this is something that my 24 years had not offered me. I finally received a conviction against my molestor, have enrolled back in college, and am working and taking care of my son. I have cut toxic people out of my life. I have made solid relationships with friends who support me through recovery, and have begun rebuilding relationships with my family.

I am nowhere near total recovery, and there are days where my emotions get the best of me. I still at times hurt the people I love; but there are also days where I am in total control of myself and my emotions and actions. The days spent in the grip of insanity are fewer and fewer, and I know that given tremendous work on my end, that I will find recovery. My hope is that by sharing my story that others can realize that there is hope for better days, and that the family and friends of people with BPD find a way to stand by those who want to find a way forward and find recovery. I hope people can find a way to forgive the past of people with BPD, and can find a way to encourage and support those who want to get better.

I am a survivor and am no longer a victim of my past and it is my hope through this message board that I can further my knowledge of others, and share a bit about myself to help those effected by some of the worst parts of this disorder. Thank you for taking the time to get to know me a bit, and I appreciate your help in overcoming some of the demons buried in my own soul. Once in total control, they no longer choose my path, and they know that their time is fading fast before I tame them. I'm looking forward to this ride ahead... here we go.

Thanks for your post nanners24

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Awwww, that's a wonderful story

You are so right about support being vital. I know that I have come so far having my bf there for me when nobody else was before.

Congrats, Nanners. It sounds like you and your boyfriend got things on track; I'm glad to hear it. As you and others have said, having the support (and having someone who already knew what BPD is, rather than having to explain it all) is worth its weight in gold. Well done; I hope the three of you keep up the good work and have a long, happy life together.

Thank you for posting your encouraging story of recovery!

Congratulations on moving forward with your life