Feeling like I'm just not normal at all anymore...

Okay so, I have pretty severe borderline(I could prob. be the poster child lol), mdd ect..

The other night my boyfriend pulled an all nighter to study for a test and I tried to stay up and study as well but, I fell asleep around 2 or 3 on the couch. He was sitting on the other side of the couch(its a crescent) the whole time. I woke up periodically as I usually do when I sleep and he would say "Oh hey baby, I'm just studying and playing mlb baseball game on my computer" or something along those lines.

My computer was at a repair place cause the internet wasn't working and he said I could use his while he was in class. So I was doing my work and his computer died, I plugged it in and then went to the internet history to find the websites I had open. I scrolled down and there were three scattered links between other $#%^ that were "hottest fit girls naked," "hottest riding porn," and "hottest wags." The first one being opened at around 6am and the last at 8 something am. So for about two hours he sat there looking at god knows what while I slept 5 ft away from him. Then forgot to delete everything from the history. This absolutely destroyed me. I was/am so deeply hurt and I felt like complete and utter $#%^ about myself. I felt like a huge fat lard. I went and looked at myself in the mirror and began to question everything about the way I look and my sexual abilities. I actually started to cry. I felt like a crazy person. Is this normal for someone with borderline? Everything I've read online says that this shouldn't bother me. Or they said that it's not something men have to do, they just chose to and use the biological excuse. I sat there and tried so hard to have it not bother me but I couldn't stop thinking about it and thinking about the pictures I saw after clicking on the links. It made me feel so horrible, I feel like all of my self esteem is gone now. I feel incompetent and like I don't even want to have sex with him because I'm not good enough. I really don't know what to do or think or how to handle this. I feel like I will never be able to be in a "normal" relationship because I just can't deal with that. It makes me feel too much like $#%^. I feel like a complete lunatic for being this hurt by it. I don't know what to do from here. Can I ever expect to find a guy that wouldn't watch that $#%^ for me? Do any men like that exist? Or will I have to repress these awful feelings for the rest of my life and lose any ounces of self esteem I have left? I just don't know what to do.

Please help me... I just feel so ###$ up.

Well, I don't know if it matters what you SHOULD feel, the reality is that it hurt you. There's boys will be boys but it would be best to communicate about this with your boyfriend if you can find the strength to do so... I don't know if it is unrealistic to expect him to quit or not but if it's hurting you (and he lied to you) then doesn't he owe it to you to honestly say whether he can or can't do that and explain why he does it?

Communication is the bottom line....

Sorry you are feeling so bad though... I hate to say stuff like this because relationships are complicated, so please take it with a grain of salt but in reality but maybe you will find that he is not right for you. There are demisexual guys out there too.

I know I've felt this way before in slightly different circumstances. I felt like I wasn't who the other person wanted me to be. You know, they'd mention someone, how they found this person attractive or whatever and I would think, "I look nothing like that." Or, I don't act how they do etc. And then there were casual comments that would reinforce my insecurities.

But looking at it more objectively, I wouldn't discount the possibility that they are attracted to different things, varied body types or traits. I know it's possible because I myself find more than one type of person, or one type of look attractive. I'm turned on by more than one thing. Some of these things even, are reserved to fantasy only. So my significant other doesn't need to look just one specific way... or do one specific thing to make me happy. There's a multitude of these things I like. There's not just one right way.

Physically, I've found people attractive with very different physiques. From built, to average, thin, or heavier. And any trait I truly don't find attractive... I wouldn't waste my time there. Most people wouldn't, I think. Some people do settle, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. He's likely with you for a reason. That's all.

I know how you feel. I can't say someone has ever something like that with me five feet away in the same room, but I can imagine that would be awful and you'd feel betrayed. Some (but not all) of my BPD friends really hate porn too, or at least their partners looking at it. It really does make us feel like we aren't good enough, that they are fantasizing about what they are looking at, and I personally hate how most of what we see on TV and in porn is aimed at men.

That said, my boyfriend offered not to look at it and he deleted his huge collection of it (which was pretty shattering to me when I found it) and has for over a year allegedly not looked at it. I say allegedly because there is an element of trust here that is a bit of an issue for us. I talked to my therapist about feeling guilty about him giving that up for me, but she said that it was nice that he offered that and if that was something he was willing to do for me to make me more comfortable (and have a better relationship as a result), I basically didn't need to feel guilty. I can't remember her exact words but basically it was ok.

I guess the point is that if something doesn't feel right to you and it's not really hurting anyone for him to give that up, it's ok to ask (or him to offer) not to do that anymore. What makes me better able to reconcile my guilt with my bf not watching it is what my therapist said and the fact that I'd be perfectly willing to make a video with him if that's something he wanted and to have sex with him regularly (which I want anyway). I'm not suggesting you make a video with him. You may not be comfortable with that and really have to trust someone in that regard. Although I don't trust my bf in some ways, I know he would never show it to anyone if we made one.

Hope this helps.