Don't like my bf's friends (may trigger)

My bf has a group of guy friends that have been friends for years now. I don't hate them, but I don’t have much positive regard for them and have huge anxiety about socializing with them.

They never try to talk to me when I am around them. I almost always have to start the conversation and they don’t carry it on and just respond to what I'm saying. They don't ask about my life. I'm often just sitting there in awkward silence, feeling left out. I also find it hard to join in any convo’s because we don’t have similar interests. Even though I find the topics mundane and shallow, I wouldn't be bothered so much if they at least included me. But it is usually me listening to them, unable to interject into a conversation I can't add to. Even when someone is somewhat friendly, it seems forced and not genuine. It isn't helped by the fact that I know they talk behind their friend's backs about their friend’s partners but are nice to their faces. It makes me wonder what they say about me.

I have heard of lies/cheating/shady things his friends have done that their partners know nothing about and they have tried to get my bf to keep secrets from me too so that no one got into trouble. I also don't like that all they ever seem to do when they get together involves drinking. My bf isn’t the best at managing his alcohol intake, and it has led to some bad outcomes in the past that impacted our relationship. I'm afraid they will do stupid things while they are drinking and/or hide something (again). And since no one but my bf has any allegiance to me, I fear his friends might encourage bad behaviour and I would never find out.

My bf’s choice of friends makes me question if he and I are really right for each other if we get along with such different people. You might say that I should know who my bf is and base my judgement on that. However, I fear my BPD issues cloud my judgement with partners. He says he isn’t like them (in the ways I outlined above), but as they say, birds of a feather flock together.

To sum it up, I guess my biggest worries are this: 1) As I no longer wish to spend any time with his friends, my bf and I will lead completely separate social lives and it will eventually drive us apart. 2) He is just part of a different flock, and the fact that I don’t fit in with his friends says we aren’t a good fit either.

Does anyone else struggle with accepting their partner’s friends and question their compatibility because of it?

Thanks for responding. It's nice to know someone can relate. I think what you said about owning up to your judgement is true for me too. I am judgmental of them because they make me uncomfortable and up my anxiety but also because I am generally jealous with my boyfriends when I become attached and it's hard for me to accept that my bf enjoys hanging around ppl that I cannot relate to. Just kinda sucks that ppl you wouldn't choose to be in your life have to be sometimes.