Pleasure of Pain

I found myself at the lake today a place I go everyday. I thought of how easy it would be to swim out and stop. I panic in deep water so I think that I would drown because of my anxiety before breathing in water. I've come to the conclusion that mindfulness has become a bit of a curse in my life. In the past I would use smoke, wine, sex, people to sooth myself and fill the empty spaces - all good but once you really see what you've been doing and stop you feel a hollow that makes you into a crazy bitch. When you realize the wires in your brain are crossed and the struggle of trying to stop this pain feels good what then? Do you withdraw yourself completely from feeling anything? Do you indulge yourself in your escapes, again. Do you release yourself from it?

I approach people who I know will understand me like this forum or the doctor. But mainly this forum.

Its better than withdrawing. Also exercise helps me a lot. I open youtube and search for any exercise video that encourages. At times I myself feel lame and think what kind of life I'm living.

But it's ok. It's ok and it really really is ok because the guy in the mirror is cool.