The real world (TW)

Why is the world so far away??? I'm currently at a friend wedding, supposed to be celebrating and I am watching people on the dance floor having a ball, I want to join but it seem so far away!! I'm there, but I'm not. I have a permanent smile on my face and I look like I'm having fun, but I am trying so hard not to cry. Why the hell can't I be a "normal" person?? What did I do to deserve this?? I wouldn't wish this nothingness on my worst enemy!!!

I know what you mean. I have a harder and harder time being around "regular" people. I feel so detached and like I am not even the same species as them. I look at a lot of them and wonder why can't I be happy and content as they appear to be. Nothing it seems in life, has truly made me happy.

the emptiness feeling, you feel. i get it. It is really hard to describe "nothing" though, isn't it.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone either but I have also been thinking as awful as it is to have bpd anyone who suffers from it should give themselves a pat on the back for making it as far as they have-no matter how far it is because to go through life like this is like driving car blindfolded, you're always crashing into stuff but you don't have the ability to remove the blidfold!

I do hope your day gets better

i used to have those experiences a lot, wherein i'd have a blank expression on face, try very hard to mix, to be happy, to feel happiness. i avoid that. i avoid the triggers. i know i'll have few friends and already have close to zero friends but its ok. places where i detach, i stay away from those. i have to be my own best friend.

i have a few friends and i've told them i have bpd and cannot socialize and its ok. its ok to not socialize. they understand me and its ok. it really is ok to not go at every wedding. its ok to think about yourself first and stay away from places where you dissociate.

i get it. i have felt this way all my life, and the older i get the more painful it is to see what i have missed out on. i'm 45 years old and never had kids, bc i never had a relationship that made me feel like i wanted to bring kids into the picture, plus the volatility of my relationship history - it's probably a good thing i didn't have kids.

but now i work in a building that is at the heart of a large medical complex, and i see people coming and going with babies almost daily. it makes me sad knowing i missed out on that joy.

i also avoid events, parties, etc. i don't like going dancing any more. i have a few long term friends, and they occasionally invite me, but i never go any more.

i guess i'm saying no matter how sad it makes me now, the truth is i never did fit in. i have always felt like i don't belong here. i'm not here for participation, only observation.

I know I'm in self pity mode at the moment, in my head I know it will pass as always and I'll just go back to nothing again. It just gets to me every now and then, especially when it has to do with milestone events. I know that they trigger me, but I'll be damned if I'm going to miss out on everything in life. I may not be able to have the white picket fence with the 2.4 kids etc, but I will not let BPD stop me at least seeing my friends and family have it. I have had enough of missing out on everything, I'm sick of just existing, I HATE IT!!! Anyway, as you can see the anger is now here and my blood is boiling, so I'm going to sleep it off and wake up tomorrow and get through another day. Thanks everyone for the responses last night, it helped.

roncia wrote:Why is the world so far away???

i can definitely relate to this feeling. It happens to me a lot, especially while I'm working. I often feel like a terrible person because people are expecting me to be present and I'm really not, though I'm putting on the expression that I am.

Perhaps some grounding techniques would be helpful? This is what I am always told to do during these times. Try picking a color and counting how many objects of that color you can see.