Constant mental torture.

Hello. I'm new here. This is my first post.

I think I suffer from borderline personality disorder, however I have never been properly diagnosed or treated for it. I have been to several therapists and doctors but they have all seemed reluctant to discuss the possibility when I have raised it, although they have not necessarily disagreed either. I first considered that I might have the disorder when a friend suggested the possibility (she suffers from it herself). Since then I have done a fair bit of reading, as well as quizzes on mental health websites which indicate a high probability of having it. The closest I have had to a diagnosis was when I was in hospital not long ago following a self-harm attempt. I was interviewed by a psychiatrist who agreed that I fit the criteria. Options for treatment are limited, however, given I am a student on a low income.

I am currently in my twenties. I have few close relationships and live alone. I had a neglectful and abusive childhood and as such I now feel maladjusted and unable to function properly as an adult, as though I am lacking in basic foundations on which to build a life upon. I remember when I was a child I used to look at other families and wish they would adopt me. Now I am an adult and I still have that sense of wanting to be adopted. I have a best friend who is middle aged and has a family that I long to be a part of. He is like a father figure and mentor to me would gladly have me live with them except his wife is against it. I know my desire to be parented seems ridiculous given my age, but I can't make it go away.

Every day I carry around a sense of rejection from the world and of being unloved. I think about my friend constantly. My relationship with him is rather intense and I often feel bad that he has to deal with my problems. I think about suicide every day. I have a history of self harm and frequently behave in ways that are self destructive. I find it hard to stay away from alcohol for very long, and when I consume it I binge drink. I've tried every drug I have ever had access to. Earlier in the year I tried heroin several times but I am not addicted to it.

I currently am struggling at university, on the verge of failing. I don't find the work difficult but I have very little motivation to do it, and there is a lot of it to do. Feelings of loss and failure seem to follow me despite short lived attempts to better myself and I feel powerless to change my future. At the moment my friend is working through a self help book with me for people who have borderline and addiction issues. I'm pessimistic that I will improve without intensive therapy.

Thanks for reading.

Does your university offer sliding scale therapy? Some universities do this. At least it would be a start to have someone to talk to about the things you are going through. Also, If you are in the US you can stay on your parent's insurance until you are 26.

Sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time. Welcome to the forum however! You're always welcome to talk to us here.

Thanks for replying! I've actually booked in to see a therapist at university tomorrow as I'm behind on my work. The service is costs no additional fees. I'll see how it goes. I have an ongoing therapist I see at the moment as well, but as it is also a free service I only get a limited number of sessions with him each year, and because of this he is reluctant to explore more complicated issues if he doesn't have the time to offer me adequate support. As for my parents, only my father is still around and he doesn't have any particular insurance. Our relationship is fairly strained too.

I'm glad this forum exists. I don't really get to talk about these issues with anyone else who knows what it's like. A friend of mine has similar issues, as I mentioned, but we don't really have the sort of relationship where we discuss it.

hi ludwig & welcome

you're awfully self-aware and that's amazing that you've put forth so much effort into getting down to your core issues / finding a dx. based on what you've said, i can only imagine your past drs reluctance is based on their specialties as well as treatment available. some insurance policies won't cover personality disorders, therefore they won't be able to treat you. catch22, right? best of luck tomorrow and let us know how it goes!

wineaux

My favorite therapist was through my university's counseling center. That guy was able to relate to me better than anyone and judged me less than anyone... I miss him. That was before I ever considered the possibility of having a personality disorder, so it wasn't helpful in that aspect... but it was just nice to be able to talk to a therapist who treated me like a normal person instead of like a patient. He joked with me and stuff. Actually, he did want a psychiatrist to evaluate me so we could come up with a better treatment solution, since my meds didn't seem to be helping. He had me call the university's Health Services dept to make an appointment... eh. I'll refrain from telling that story now, unless you want to hear about it. That didn't go well, but it wasn't my therapist's fault. I hope your appointment went well!