About sexual orientation and getting attached too early

Sorry I just need to get this out. I was trying to see whether there was a topic I could post this in, but oh well.

So I've been thinking that I might be bisexual for a few years, but I was never romantically or sexually involved with a girl. I never even kissed one. I wished I could because I thought just one kiss could make me less confused. Now I'm engaged to a man and I love him, but I'm haunted by the fact that I'll never know whether I prefer girls. I feel like if I could just kiss a girl I could put this all behind me, and just be happily married, but it's too late for that because it would feel like cheating. But I think about girls so much lately and I already feel ashamed of that. I feel like such a bad girlfriend, like I'm not good enough for him. I just don't want to hurt him, but I can't shake off the desire to find out what it's like to be with a girl. I want to be with a girl. But I'm in love with him. And we agreed that we'd never cheat on each other, it would be too painful.
I really don't know what to do, especially as now I met a lesbian girl online and I'm growing so attached to her even though I'm not her type and she has a girlfriend.
I feel so bad for feeling this way because it feels like if I ever did something with a girl just to know how it feels, I would be cheating on him and I don't want to hurt him like that :/

lol...I thought all guys were down with this?? I don't mean to minimize your situation. Maybe try telling him how you feel ? That you're confused?

I have two suggestions.

1. Talk to him, if you haven't already!

2. Remember the reasons you chose THIS person to spend the rest of your life with.

I've dated both males and females and when it really comes down to it... it isn't their bodies I care about, it's the personality and the unique bond I have with that very individual. You already have a very special bond with someone, so don't forget it. It's a wonderful thing to have.

I've recently realized that I am bisexual after being in my first relationship (with a male) for over a year. I understand how you feel, but you don't have to be intimate with them to know you like them. If you like the thought, I would say let it lie at that. You're with him for a reason, and that's ok that you won't know. It's alright to not know.

Just make sure you keep open communication about this no matter how you feel. Hiding things won't help. Just be open to him and yourself and everything will work itself out in the end. I promise.

I agree with the previous responses.

Just make sure you snd him fit together
sexually and are completely comfortable
with each other.

My husband and I weren't the right fit
from the beginning (he's bisexual) and
we've had A LOT of problems. We still
may not work out but I'm focusing on ME
for the first time.

I kissed girls a few times. Loved it. I
used to want to make love with a woman .
Now my drive in general is less. But my
husband was cool with it.

aliveatnight wrote:I've recently realized that I am bisexual after being in my first relationship (with a male) for over a year. I understand how you feel, but you don't have to be intimate with them to know you like them. If you like the thought, I would say let it lie at that. You're with him for a reason, and that's ok that you won't know. It's alright to not know.

Just make sure you keep open communication about this no matter how you feel. Hiding things won't help. Just be open to him and yourself and everything will work itself out in the end. I promise.

Would be nice if it worked out that way for me. That's what I thought at first. He knows that I think I'm bisexual. I thought I'd just stick with him though because he was the one for me. Now though I have this intense desire to be with a girl.

And yes, I could talk to him, but I know it'd hurt him that I feel that way and it would hurt me if I kissed a girl. How would telling him make the situation better? It would make me an honest person, but it could hurt him. The thing is, if this was your normal relationship I'd just try something or break up with him, but we're so deeply committed I feel so guilty for hurting him that way. Isn't that stupid? The biggest reason why I won't break up with my fiance is guilt? Gosh I'm a horrible person!

Maybe I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment. maybe I just need some non-permanent relationships until I'm ready to settle down. But I thought I was. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I was so sure about this!

Thank you for the advice everyone, sorry I'm such a bitch and can't just take your advice and do the right thing I really wish I didn't feel this way right now. That I could just love him as much as he loves me. But I don't think I can change how I feel.
The thing is, if I left him I'd have to move back home to my mother who's a controlling not very understanding... person.

Actually, I have a question. With all this idealization going on with people like us, how do you figure out when you're *really* in love? Because with this girl I'm feeling the same way I felt when I was first talking to my husband, so I don't really see what was so special about him that would have made me feel in love and not just obsessed.

Are you afraid of commitment? Afraid of it being so permanent? If this is what you are feeling, that may be the cause.

For me, being open relieved a lot of the guilt, and made things seem easier. However, my boyfriend was 100% ok with everything. If you think it will hurt him, then perhaps telling him may not be for the best.

I feel like there is another reason you won't leave him besides guilt. Why is that guilt there? That will answer the real reason you won't leave. You aren't a horrible person at all, I promise.

I always knew, but the real way I would say you can tell is if it lasts over the idealization period. Eventually people will be split black (well, usually), and if they can make it through that, then perhaps you can consider it being more along the lines of real love. Just my opinion though.

I don't have a lot of experience with splitting people black, I don't think.
Maybe I'm splitting my fiance black now :/

I don't know why I feel so guilty. I thought it was because I love him.

I think it's something that's deeply edged into my character. I can't hurt people. I've always been bad with break-ups, I just have too much empathy. I feel their pain probably more intensely than they do.

You're not a bitch for feeling the way you feel. You can't control your feelings. But, remember that it's important to be logical as well and not get blinded by emotions and wants. It's also important to distinguish your wants between your needs. And you're doing the right thing by questioning yourself.

Maybe you're not ready to settle down with your fiance. If this is the case, please talk to him! Don't live with regret. If you do, someday he might have to pay for it down the road...

I still, like you, have trouble distinguishing love. It can be so real to me for a few months, then disappear. Especially when I have a crush on several people at once. If I'm in a relationship and crushing on others, my crush(es) will be severely distracting. It's important to remind yourself what got yourself into a relationship with this man in the first place, and what kept you two together. Crushes come and go. The gender doesn't matter. If you're longing for someone or something else, you should definitely sort that out before you marry him.

For now, I've decided to remain single and have been happy that way. The reason why was that I ended up dropping every long term relationship I ever had because I always longed for something else, and although I was happy in my relationships, I didn't feel like I was giving it my all. I ended up leaving a guy I had been dating for 3 years because I was obsessively crushing on a girl that I didn't even know if she liked me or not. Or if she even swung that way.

But anyway, in the end, if you have a really great relationship with someone that really loves you and understands you, I wouldn't give it up. You don't need to experiment with a girl to know that you're bi. It doesn't mean anything. Nor would it change anything. It's the unique relationship of the individual itself that matters. The reason I left my long term relationship for a girl wasn't because she was a girl, but because I really liked her and got along with her so well. So, if I were you, don't do it unless you are sure you love someone more than your fiance. And even then, think about it more before you choose anything. I hope that makes sense.

(A) There is nothing wrong with how you feel or that you are uncertain what you want.

(B) There is nothing wrong with being bisexual, for example pretty much every woman I know is bisexual, including the two young women living with me (I have no idea why all the women I know are bisexual).

However, it is important, if you are not ready to commit long term to your guy, that you let him know sooner rather than later. You don't have to for sure end it, but perhaps just saying, you feel you need to explore your sexuality more, with women. He might give you a bit of a chance, some guys are a lot less bothered by girls experimenting with girls rather than other men!

If you are pretty sure that you are unsure what you want, including your sexual orientation, you should probably end the engagement part of the situation, but perhaps you can go back to a more casual relationship status?

However in regards to feeling "in love" etc, and "that special feeling", its a chemical illusion when you have a crush. It is not long term. I mean probably the best person to be in a long term relationship with is not someone you have a deep crush on, but someone you find reasonably attractive, and care strongly about. Ie, someone you have rationally chosen is a good match, not just chasing after your feeling and hormones.

Remember that with BPD itself uncertainty about sexual preferences and identity is common, and if you are bisexual as way, you have complex feelings to sort out. And you probably DO need to experiment getting involved with a woman, who knows maybe you could include your current partner?

You are not wrong for how you feel, but at the same time, you should not lead your partner on with the expectation that you can commit to him long term.

Best of luck.