had a small amount of sadness today

And you know what? i'm actually happy about it. my medicine numbs my emotions to the point i don't appear to have them. I was listening to whiskey lullaby and it made me sad. and hate me by blue october. It made me happy to realize i'm not emotionally dead. i don't know which one is right. I do have a lack of emotions, or at least i can't express them. I mainly used to hear voices, but they were generated by my DID. I would rather just be off my medicine, which my doctor is allowing me to do in november or december. Just got to wait this $#%^ out. Honestly i don't care if i hear things or suffer with depression. Its better than being on medication. I actually used to be happy. When i was off of my meds. Now i just stay at a numb mood. I would rather be depressed than be emotionally numb. I hate not having emotions.

-- Wed Sep 25, 2013 7:28 pm --

Not that depression is a good thing, but usually i don't stay really depressed. I am usually more happy. but depression is better for me than no feelings at all.

Sadness is nothing like the thing I call depression. I can enjoy feeling sad just to feel something. Depression never feels good to me. To me it's the mental equivalent of feeling nauseous. Trying to "think positive" as akin to trying to eat some sugary frosting when I feel I could vomit at any moment. It's absence of the ability to feel anything remotely good. I can get angry, but that's about it.

Depression makes my whole body hurt.