Marathon post, would love to hear some kind voices.

Hello!

I’m going to try and not make this a super long post, but it might be so I apologise in advance. I’ve been trying to verbalise this, even just to myself, for a couple of months now.

In a nutshell, I think I have borderline personality disorder. I have had no doctor say this, and I feel like the advice I will receive here will be to seek their help, but if I’m honest, I’ve straddled the line of to healthy to need help but to ill to cope with ‘normal’ life that I don’t know what would ‘help’ me anymore. Mental health services in England are just waiting list after waiting list and I’ve tried before but I can never get anywhere. So some backstory I guess?

I have struggled with 'issues' for 13 years now. I know its hard to say when you start being 'depressed' if you started very young, but I know it’s a good measure of when I was definitely ‘ill’ because I took what I thought was enough medication to die and calmly crawled into bed.

I used to always think my problems were just because of my $#%^ start in life. I wont go into details here, but without meaning to sound corny, its not an exaggeration to say that in early life I was betrayed by most of the most important people in my life, the ones who should have been looking out for wellbeing the most .

I have always thought I had depression and then as I grew older (18+) this became anxiety (panic attacks, obsesive thoughts etc.) and depression (self harm, very low self esteem, low moods for ‘no reason’ etc.). I always saw my life as a mission to get better, as 'one day I'll beat this'. My first attempt to get help was not positive . I went to the doctors for the first time since that first suicide attempt, went on SSRI’s and signed up for therapy. The SSRIs didn’t help. I had some awful doctors at first who despite me telling them my back story clearly didn’t see me as an individual and had a near breakdown . I wouldn’t use the words suicidal at the time, but I think my self harm was severe enough that I was starting t ojust not care what might happen from my wounds.

Anyway, I did get therapy eventually. It was CBT and by that time I was in a slightly better from my own hard work, but I still needed help for sure. So I went, and like I said, always straddling that fence. On the surface, I was doing well at university and had a steady boyfriend and a healthy group of friends. Underneath, I was self harming, having panic attacks and what I can only describe as unhealthy thoughts .
I had an unitentional hiatus from therapy and by the end I thought maybe I don’t need this help anymore. It wasn’t really ‘that’ helpful to start , I took everything too personally, and I resented the fact that was human enough to sometimes forget what I’d already told him about my life events. I thought I could get ‘better’ by myself. After all, I was getting ‘better’ even before I started seeing him.

So I finished my degree and set off into the world.

But I started to slip again. I felt intensely lonely and sad sometimes, like I had nothing even when I had friends and family. I started self harming again,and making bad dating choices

I changed my job and deicded to ‘get back on the wagon’ after a particularly nasty cut that left me with the ‘idea’ in my head that ‘my feelings are not so bad that I should be creating these wounds’.

Following some bad news, I started to slide again. And its brought home the truth really, everyone has ‘reasons’ to be sad. But they don’t cut themselves, they don’t get panic attacks. And mostly, the don’t over analyse every single ######6 thought and compare it to how the y felt yesterday, this time last year, 5 years ago etc. etc.

I met someone new and he is lovely. But he is making me so aware of how I am and I don’t want to be like this. I impulsively self harmed the other day, and I had to tell him, and I just felt $#%^. Before we had the conversation (hes well aware of my past) because the self harm was mild I’d told myself it could be no big deal and I didn’t have to go into it if I didn’t want too. But when it came to it, I hated myself so badly for having to have that conversation again. One I have had so so many times and hoped so badly I was done with. I didn’t say this to him as I didn’t want him to just think he was one of many guys ha, but I’m sure some of you can relate?

Anyway, the conversation didn’t go well because I clammed up and in my head the thought ‘I don’t want to be me anymore’ started spinning around I just felt it so hard. I don’t want my life to be this difficult ,I don’t want to struggle every ######6 day to tryand see the positive sides. For when I do for them to feel so precarious, like they might vanish when the sun goes behind a cloud. I don’t want to have to tell my boyfriend that I’ve self harmed, for every achievement to be thought of as ‘well you did it DESPITE this, well done!” I worry that I feel like that world has ended because I perceive myself ot be alone.

Damn I’ve written quite a lot already and I’ve still not really conveyed why I think I have BPD or what I’ve come looking for here. Until a few months ago, I thought BPD and bipolar were the same illness. I’d looked up bipolar (since its often associated with self harm) but it just didn’t fit . But BPD does. So so so much that I’ve been disturbed by some of the quotes and descriptions. I could break down my behaviours and tell you why they match BPD, but this post is long enough, so just take my word for it, from my own perspective, it scarily matches it.

I’ve not really shared this idea with anyone. I feel like it would help me to have a diagnosis, would give me the confidence to explain this to my boyfriend. But I don’t know how to get that, its not something you can get in a one off doctors appointment and I’m not sure I’m willing or even ‘sick enough’ right now to justify the resources and time

Also, .I am battling here with myself whether this potential BPD self diagnosis is a positive or not.

I have two contradictory thoughts. One is that I am ill, I have BPD and it sucks but it explains why I can’t ‘get better’ and move away from my past, because its so much more than getting over my trauma (which ifeel , by and large I’ve done a damn good job on). The second thought is that, if I accept I have BPD, and I blame the thoughts and feelings on it, than I am accepting that I am ‘sick’ that I might always be ‘sick’ and to be honest, I have spent my whole life waiting and striving for that time when I will be ‘happy’ and be able to cope ‘like a normal person’. And I am scared with BPD I will never get that, I will always be sick.


I feel very conflicted in my feelings for my boyfriend. I struggle to discuss how I’m feeling because there is a part of me holding back. I feel like it would be so beneficial for me right now to spill my guts to him, to tell all I’ve said here about the maybe ‘not getting better’ that maybe I wil always be sick. But I’m scared because, (I hope this isn’t offensive to anyone) I’ve no idea why anyone would want to be with someone who feels like me. Its one thing to support a partner through a tough time, but if I’m like this for years and years, why would you want to be with me? I’m insecure, I self harm, I have mood swings and I’m fighting not to be clingy with him so hard. I feel like I want to see him everyday, I feel sad leaving him but I am trying to be ‘normal’ and give him space. I know fear of abandonment is a typical BPD thing and that was a massive tickbox for me because WOW do I react badly to people leaving but I find it hard not to worry about ihm leaving because I feel like my fears are rational. Being with someone who is unwell must be exhausting. I am worried about depending on him to much incase he leaves and I am left with no one, even my rational side can see that’s a risk. I want him to see me as a happy fun person to be around . He is my escape from how I feel and I worry that if I let him in I wont be able to pretend anymore and I need that escape. I love alone, I used to see my friends a lot more but I’m living slightly further out so my social life has reduced. I’m really scared if tht our relationship came to a natural end I would be so much worse off tan I have been when I’ve been ‘alone’ before.

I guess I should summarise with what am I asking for here. I am not asking for you guys to tell me why I do /don’t have BPD. I know that’s a diagnosis that a professional with one to one contact can dichpher and not something I can find on an internet forum. I am just looking to feel less alone and I guess I’d love some advice on my boyfriend. How to let him support me without tainting our relationship with my ‘illness’ whatever label it has. I just want so badly for life not to be such a struggle. It feels so unfair.

Try not to get too caught up in the "this isn't fair mentality". I've been doing that my whole life and I think that that's been a big downfall for me. I'm almost 39 and I just found out this year what's been wrong with me. I thought my whole life was just one big giant random bag of crazy with no sense whatsoever...but now I'm starting to see that differently. I see things as triggers now...and I want to try and avoid those or learn to deal with them better. As for your boyfriend...to tell or not? That's up to you. And we've all probably been left on here (in my case, like, a zillion times I think). It's definitely not easy to handle when you have bpd. But anyways, he doesn't sound like he's going anywhere yet so I wouldn't be worrying about all that. Just try and focus on the good stuff and not the bad. That's really the only advice I have for anyone with bpd because that's what I'm always trying to do myself.....

Hey there. I'm also both new to this board, and very very much in a similar position to you...no official diagnosis (am very reluctant to get one, officially) but fit the BPD outline so exactly, it's kind of scary. Like you, I haven't discussed it with my partner, or anyone else, they know I'm struggling but they do not know the extent. The way you described your fears about telling your boyfriend...well, it's odd, because I could very nearly have written that myself.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice or anything, since I'm still confused and baffled by it myself...I wish I could be helpful somehow. I can absolutely assure you that you're not alone though. I found just reading some stories and advice that was on here, was helpful. It's sometimes comforting just knowing you're not the only one going through something like this. It's especially comforting to read of people who learn to manage and cope, that you can adjust, and things aren't always going to be as hard as they are now.

Like I said, I don't feel I am equipped to give advice, but I wish you all the happiness in the world, there will be a way through this.

Hello again and thank you for the lovely replies.

I decided to sign up for the only help thats easy to get hold off. Councilling. Supposedly I was going to get a call back about a 'triage' appt in 2 days, its been 7 now and no phone call. I feel better now than I did a week ago and so I'm reluctant to chase this up, even though I know I should. I told myself i'd get this help even if I felt better, becuase I clearly need something longer term. But the idea of talking to someone face to face about everything makes me squirm so its hard to force myself to do anything when I'm not in 'crisis'.


Anyway, its nice to hear some friendly voices.

ESp from you t68, its nice to hear from someone else with no diagnosis who is wondering what the next step is!