Holy sh**... Realized that my mother is the one who has BPD.

Am I stupid or what?
For some reason it never really occured to me that my mother is the one who has BPD. Not me!
Or... Maybe I do, too, but that's not the point.

She fits the description way more than I do.
And me living with her means I'm being affected by her disorder.
So that leads me to believe that -I- am fu**ed up, but actually - she is.
Not saying I'm healthy either but I'm now doubting the "severity" or even the validity of my disorder (and I'm not even sure if it is one).

Considering I've never lived away from my mother for long periods of time, I don't know how I "truly" am, when I'm not being abused / criticized / anxious because of her.

I'm literally having an existential crisis right now.
Wow.

Does anyone else have a BPD parent?
Is it possible to not have any mental illness with a mentally unstable parent?
I'm really trying to understand if I've been fooling myself all this time...

Has your mother been diagnosed by a professional? It is important to remember that even though we may see someone as having all of the symptoms of BPD that we are not in a position to diagnose and to leave that up to a professional. I hear it must be very difficult to live with your mother if you are feeling abused, criticized, and anxious due to her. I too would be looking for answers as to why.

Dice wrote:Is it possible to not have any mental illness with a mentally unstable parent?

yes. It's also important to remember however that even if one is diagnosed with a "mental illness" that it is not the end of the world and that that person can still live a full and meaningful life. A "mental illness" is just a label, not a life long sentence.

Cheze,

No, of course she hasn't been diagnosed (not that I know of, at least).
It just hit me like a brick in the face.
But there is absolutely no doubt about it in my mind. She went to psychiatrists before but always dropped and said it was useless. She is the stereotypical BPD mother - I've done my research and it's clear as water.

I've developed BPD traits as a consequence of her own mental instability.
By the way, I went to a psychiatrist a few years ago, but I was a minor back then so the shrink said I had a "severe personality disorder" but didn't specify which one. I always suspected it was BPD though because that's the one I relate to most, closely followed by Avoidant PD.

Anyway. I've made some huge realizations today and it's very overwhelming.
A part of me suddenly opened.

I feel less guilty and less shameful, because I understand that the way I am is not really my fault.

I'm actually motivated to seek help now. I kind of feel like I have a good, valid reason to do so.

PS. It may sound like I'm in denial but trust me, I am not. I've never seen my situation more clearly than now. I feel a bit relieved and more hopeful than before.

My mother was an N with BP traits. My PD came from her. I was also 3 months premature and
was left in the incubator with not enough touch for the entire Summer. And she let me cry it
out when I was an infant. She also had a serious mental disease. She was a victim. She would
project her pain onto everyone else, she gave me material things which I now appreciate. She
went back to teaching to put me through College. But she was cold. No affection. No I love you.
Always critical. She would mentally and physically abuse me to a large extent. Her rages were
terrible. And she was charming and generous and the life of the party to everyone on the outside
but mean mean mean to us. I also think i have the genetic predisposition to become Borderline. I
was born hyper sensitive.

It's a fantastic epiphany you had. I don't think you are in denial.

It did help me knowing where it came from. You may have went through some trauma as well.

it took me a long time to stop blaming her for my troubles. Sometimes I still do because it was automatic. I lashed out at her as a teenager and all the anger inside me just came out in a crazy way. We hated each other. We finally came to a semblance of peace before she died. But it was still all
my fault. I was relieved that she died when I was 32. She was difficult. She wanted me to be an extension of her. She never really liked me. Or saw me for who I was like my friends did.

I believe that my mother had undiagnosed cyclothymia and also borderline tendencies. I used to project my feelings about my mother to my father.

I am sorry, Monkey66, that you are going through this. You can now figure out what parts of your "isms" were from influence by your mom.

You always knew, though, that you come from a place of love, and seated in that love, you have come to work on yourself, and that is a wonderful gift that you gave yourself.

Take care my friend,

c68

Thanks Cate

You're sweet and good.

I have worked through a lot of Mom stuff. She died 15 years ago so its not fresh anymore.

Still more forgiveness to feel on a deeper level for her, me....

Have a great day

I know my mom does. I remember reading somewhere that when borderlines rage they are showing you how they were treated growing up. I feel this statement fits perfectly. Now, I know a lot of people aren't going to agree with this because some people say "I don't know why I have bpd...I had a perfect childhood". I just have a tough time buying that though. I mean, I'm no psychiatrist but I think all that anger has to come from somewhere.

i've learnt that the symptoms of bpd havent come from anywhere. my caretaker is extra sweet in front of others and treated me like $#%^. but then there were times when the caretaker was polite with me also.

whatever be the case, i'll make sure i dont 'transfer' my bpd and other challenges to my kids or to my friends.

That's a lot of push and pull. And crazymaking. To never know where she was coming from.
In my opinion, that is one of the worst forms of abuse.

There is a book called "Walking on Eggshells" that I think explains it well.

monkey66,

Thanks.
Your post resonates with me.

who38,

I agree with you.
My mother was - and is - an abusive person.
That's why I can be abusive myself and have attachment issues.

My situation seems clearer to me now.
I know it's a long road and I have to work on myself a lot, but hey, awareness is the first step.

Hope you guys are having a good day; thanks for reading.