I am in a BAD STATE PLEASE HELP ME! TW

I am in a situation here that I cannot handle. Cannot handle AT ALL. to the point where I am profusely bleeding cuz I don't know what else to do.
Not even the cutting is bringing any sort of relief whatsoever, but I still keep doing it.
I have a story to tell.
I have been alone for many years. I had given up on the idea of finding love. Because anytime I gave my heart to someone they stomped all over it, and tore it to shreds.
But someone recently came into my life that sparked that hope again in me. Someone I met on the internet. (not on a dating site) So I took a chance, and flew clear across the country to meet him. Up to the trip we seemed to be hitting it off really well. The emails and IMs were becoming more and more romantic. We even started calling each other pet names! We would IM for hours. My hope grew. So I got on that plane. And had a whirlwind romance. Or what seemed to be one. He even changed my ticket so I could stay longer. He hugged and cuddled me and we did EVERYTHING that lovers do. But at one point during the trip, he told me some vague thing about not really feeling a "spark", but continued to treat me like a lover. I know he has been hurt before, so I just thought that it was trepidation on his part. Because he seemed to be really into me. He called me a "special friend" a few times, which was a bit confusing, but I continued to focus more on his behavior than his words. after all -ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!! He kissed, hugged me, called me pet names and did everything a lover does. He treated me like a queen. He treated me like a boyfriend would treat a girlfriend. He looked into my eyes, he held my hand, he kissed me on my temples and my forehead. I thought this was really going some where.
HE MADE ME THINK THIS WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH HIS ACTIONS!!!! HE EVEN PURCHASED A TICKET FOR ME TO COME BACK NEXT MONTH. AND ASKED ME ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF MOVING TO HIS STATE!!!!!!
What does this say to you?
But then earlier this evening, I get an email from him saying that he wants to make sure that I am clear about the fact that WE WILL NEVER BE MORE THAN FRIENDS! WHAT?!!!
How can this be????! Why would you treat me like a lover if you only want to be my friend???
Heres the real kick in the ######6 eye! He REFUSES to admit that he lead me on!!! He refuses to admit that he gave me FALSE HOPE. He said that he was clear about it in the beginning. But no, ###$ NO. You don't kiss and hug and cuddle and and hold hands and make love to someone who you only want to be your friend. He actually said that it was unfair of ME to say that he lead me on!!!!! And that I shouldn't be upset about this because he was clear about it the whole time! Are you ######6 kidding me? He basically said I don't want you. I will never want you. And refused to give me any sort of explanation. He said I can offer you friendship, nothing more. Before I even met him in person, I admitted to him that I was vulnerable and avoided dating/relationships because of that vulnerability. WHY would he play with my heart and my emotions this way!? He shouldn't have touched me! He should have made me sleep on the couch or sent me to a hotel! Why would he treat me like a lover? He said he goes out of his way for his friends and that I shouldn't have taken his behavior to be anything more than that and I have NO reason to be confused!!!
PLEASE I NEED TO HEAR FROM OTHERS! What is your take on this situation. He is saying I have no right to feel hurt. That he didn't do anything wrong. And get this-he still expects me to come see him next month!!!! He said he will CUT OFF the friendship entirely if I don't come because it would be #######5 of me to make him lose money on the plane ticket!!! But he insisted that I have all this STD testing done before I came out, so I did, with no insurance, and had to go to the ER. So he KNOWS I will be getting hit with a $ 500 hospital bill!!!!!! He never offered to help me with THAT!
I am cursing god and the universe for putting me through this pain. For WHAT!!!! WHY? Another painful reminder that I can never put myself out there like this again, and thus I will always be alone. I REALLY NEED SOME OPINIONS HERE!!!! I feel so hurt over this, and rejected and used. I believe that what this person did to me is wrong! What do you think?

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time. First of all do you need to go to the ER for your cuts? Please make sure that you care for them properly to avoid infection.

Onto the boy troubles. It seems that both of you have differing opinions on what is acceptable for a friendship vs a romantic relationship. I do know some people who hug, hold hands, and kiss on the forehead their friends. Of course these are really close, emotionally connected friends, "special friends" would be accurate. They also will never be in a romantic relationship together, but they still have a connection.

Given that you thought only people in a romantic relationship would do those physical things, it is understandable that you would feel led on, hurt, rejected, and used.

On his side, given that he thinks those things are acceptable for people in a close friendship, and that he did say that he didn't feel a spark, it is understandable that he would feel confused and upset about how you are taking things.

It sounds like perhaps you two just need to have a conversation about what is/is not acceptable in a friendship type relationship.

Hugs. You deserve better.

Cheze2 wrote:Onto the boy troubles. It seems that both of you have differing opinions on what is acceptable for a friendship vs a romantic relationship. I do know some people who hug, hold hands, and kiss on the forehead their friends. Of course these are really close, emotionally connected friends, "special friends" would be accurate. They also will never be in a romantic relationship together, but they still have a connection. .

These people you speak of are they also making out? Having sex? Sleeping in the same bed every night? This is NOT how you treat a person you JUST want to be friends with!
Bottom line - I was Miss Right NOW, not Miss RIGHT! And feel used. And the really ###$ up thing is that he didn't do a good enough job of letting me know this when was THERE! He waited until the day I got home to email me this utter rejection. If he had said this is just a fling I could have gone into it with my eyes wide open. But he was vague and indecisive. He knew damn well I wasn't travelling all that way just to meet a new friend! He should have really spelled it out for me and made it crystal clear!!!! But no, he was content to extract from me the things he wanted/needed in the moment, then email me some non answer about not wanting me, and saying this is the way it is suck it up and accept it. It is ######6 wrong, any way you slice it.

-- Fri Sep 06, 2013 2:26 pm --

And as for my cuts. I don't give a rats ass if they get infected. I kinda wish they would. I wish my entire body would become septic so I can die and finally have peace. I am sick to death of the human race! Every time I try to trust someone they $#%^ all over me! Ive had it! I am so done! This is always what happens to me if I even have the slightest bit of faith in any other human being. It will never happen again.

I have calmed down a lot and I am thinking more clearly. Even though I am still in pain. I think I ###$ up. I sent this guy an email that ripped him a new one. Now he is hurt. I really flipped out at the rejection. He is a kind a gentle soul. I am a delusional nincompoop. I really did just do the I hate you don't leave me thing. All I really want in this world is to be loved. And no matter how hard I wish for it or try for it. I just cant have it. And I brought him into my insanity. This is why I avoid relationships. I fall way too fast and hard and believe that every new guy I meet is the one and a ticket to a decent happy life. I do wish he had been more clear with me, but cant I really fault this person for being so nice to me. He told me not to have expectations, that he couldn't promise me anything. But I took the stupid love ball and ran with it, Just like I always do. I will never learn my lesson. I feel really, really stupid.

-- Fri Sep 06, 2013 4:49 pm --

I really need to get more feedback from folks here. What do you think? I what would you do in this situation. I don't even really know how to feel. Or if my feelings are justified or not, because my default feeling is always, always, always-hurt.

I'm glad that you're feeling more calm. It definitely sounded like a very triggering situation for you.

afraid to hope wrote:I don't even really know how to feel. Or if my feelings are justified or not, because my default feeling is always, always, always-hurt.

Feelings are always valid.

afraid to hope wrote:These people you speak of are they also making out? Having sex? Sleeping in the same bed every night? This is NOT how you treat a person you JUST want to be friends with!

I apologize if this is what you meant was happening as I did not read these things in your original post. I can understand how these types of things can place even more of a difficult spin on the relationship lines. As for some of the people that I know, some do have the "friends with benefits" type relationship. I understand that this is not what you were looking for and not what you thought was happening and that made you feel hurt and rejected.

I'm glad to see that you were able to get yourself in a place that is more calm. This would have triggered anyone, because there was mixed signals. Neither of you is at fault. Perhaps to him friendship can entail these things, for you that isn't the case. Remember that everything you are feeling is valid, you are feeling it for a reason, and no one can tell you that's wrong. What can be wrong are actions, and sometimes those are hard to see. You have every right to be hurt, because in the end you WERE hurt, even if it wasn't intentional. Try to forgive yourself, you did no wrong.

WHAT I FAILED TO MENTION IS THAT THIS GUY IS ALSO BPD!!!!!!
I'm done thinking that I did something horribly wrong and beating myself up. I wanted to love him. So what! The more I read the more I realize that he may also have narcissistic tendencies and the fact that I flew all the way out there and put my heart on a silver platter for him is precisely what made him reject me. I made myself too available and there was no chase. He was content to have me feed his ego and give him temporary satisfaction because that is what he needed, but when I asked for something more meaningful in return, like true feelings and true intimacy, he pushed me away, because he is terrified of those things. This is the push and pull of both of our pathologies at work. It sucks and we cant help ourselves.

Comments please!

That makes sense. If what you say is true, then what happened would have happened, because of the nature of you both. I'm glad that you won't beat yourself up, it isn't your fault and it takes a lot to forgive yourself. It's not in either of you guys control.