About 2 months ago, I felt increasingly and more frequently irritated by people. I was getting (and staying) angrier and more confrontational, and was becoming less able to moderate my anger. I had to walk away from situations because I felt I was boiling over inside. This was new for me since in the past, I always felt like I had a good handle on managing anger. I started to feel like I couldn't get a break from it. I had an annual weekend of camping and biking coming up that always relaxes me. I went, and everyone there was pushing my buttons. I finally had to just get away on my own for a day, away from everyone who was annoying me (they weren't really doing anything that bad, I just seemed to be internally over-reacting to everything).
I got back and my irritability never subsided. This has never happened. So finally, I was thinking "what the f*** is wrong with me???"
I'll back-track for a second. I have, as long as I can remember, had mood swings. I can go from depressed and hopeless to happy and optimistic and hopeful in a few hours (and back again). Sometimes for no reason, sometimes because of someone else. I never really thought anything of it, but looking back, about 10 years ago, I was sent for "random" drug testing at work because of my mood swings (I wasn't on drugs, they just couldn't figure me out). I never thought I had mood swings so I just figured someone was out to get me.
Anyway back to present. I started drinking during a really bad relationship about 5-6 years ago. I finally quit drinking altogether about 6 months ago. I think the drinking was numbing the feeling of the mood swings so I didn't notice them as much. Now I've started to notice them more and more, or at least pay attention and I'm no longer able to put it down to a hangover or a drink. Now its all me, no chemical to blame and now I feel like I'm a TV and someone else is holding the remote. I replaced the drinking with late night binge-eating and early morning coffee and stimulants - the late night eating takes away the boredom and gives me something to look forward to during the day. The coffee and stimulants are a pick me up that improves my mood for a few hours, gives me energy, etc.
So, wondering what was wrong with me, I finally came home and plugged every word I was feeling into google and all but one result was about BPD. I read and read and read and tried to be objective (I don't just want to make something fit to validate how I'm feeling) and I really honestly feel like this is me - the symptoms of BPD describe me perfectly. The words were "low self esteem, mood swings, over-sensitive, irritable, worthlessness, impulsive, fear of abandonment". That's how I feel, most of the time.
My low self-esteem is a big problem for me and probably the biggest reason I've never sought help. Any time I begin to say out loud that I have any kind of problem, someone says "You? You have it all together!" and I back-track and say "No, that's not what I meant". It's like I start to tell someone that its not all rosy and when I realize that I just admitted weakness I take it all back. I can't let people see weakness because either they'll think less of me or they'll use it against me. I know that sounds crazy but that's as honest as I can be about it. When people pay me compliments, my immediate thought is "You have no idea what's really underneath all this". When I meet new people, I panic that they will see through me and reveal to everyone else what I really am (what I really am, I don't know).
Poor impulse control is a large part of why I am where I am right now in life - 2 career switches (complete switches, not simply a lateral move), 2 marriages, almost 3 (maybe 4 if the 3rd had happened and not worked out). Very impulsive habits, very impulsive choices of any kind that can create a sense of happiness or dull the sense of emptiness, even if just for a few hours. I frequently, impulsively, do things I know I will pay for later, but I do them anyway.
I have always had an intense fear of abandonment. My family think it's kind of a joke, its so bad. I would go into a near panic when my ex would cancel plans (he's gonna break up with me, he doesn't love me). I have ended good relationships because I thought they were going to leave. I'd rather end it than be dumped - if I end it first I'll never know if he was going to leave. Ive stayed in awful relationships because I didn't feel like I deserved any better and gone to unbelievable lengths to make myself indispensable so that they won't leave. Right now, I'm single for the first time in my life and I just keep asking myself what's wrong with me, why I'm not in a relationship. Yet when I meet men where there is the potential, I back off so that I don't have to worry about getting into a new relationship for which I feel I have nothing to offer, worried that they'll realize I have nothing to offer and I'll be "discovered".
For the most part, I choose really bad relationships. And when people let me down, they are dead to me. Its like I have a switch and if you let me down, I flip the switch and I can cut people (even very close friends) out of my life completely. When a relationship ends, I do the same so that I don't have to feel the pain. Its like they didn't exist. Whenever I encounter a trigger that reminds me of a relationship or a person I've cut out, I avoid it (I don't go to certain restaurants, I turn off the radio when a certain song comes on) so that I don't have to process the feeling.
My first husband was an alcoholic with a bad temper - I didn't leave until he actually hit me and I had a potential boyfriend lined up, my second husband an alcoholic with bi-polar disorder. I didn't leave that relationship until I had someone else to fall back on. My last relationship was with a narcissist. (I told you I choose bad relationships). All of these relationships have just reinforced my feeling that I don't deserve any better. Maybe I choose people who are going to let me down so that I can prove to myself that people just simply let me down. Every one of these relationships, I ended. And after it was over, I would ask myself "why didn't they fight harder to keep me?". My whole adult life I've made a great living (usually more than my partner) and I've been extremely self-sufficient. But inside, I am so dependent on that person, I felt like I couldn't be without them, certainly couldn't be alone, even though in every relationship I would have actually been better off without them. But I always felt like I needed to be with someone who would be there for me, who would have my back, and protect me. When they didn't, I would cut them out and leave.
I also read about "causes" and it all fits. My mother left my father when I was a year old. He visited me one time when I was 3 and never came back (I don't know why). My step father left when I was 4 or 5 and I'm told I went into a huge depression. My grandmother openly favored my brother and was pretty cruel to me - when I was 5 or so she told me she would give me to the orphanage if I didn't behave. She would buy my brother gifts and tell me I didn't deserve any. She had done the same things to my mother when she was young, so my mother was unable to step in - she was still traumatized from her own childhood. Anyway, my second step father left when I was 11 and I was sent to beg him to come back. He didn't and I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. My mother married step father #3 when I was 14. He and I hated each other and I moved out at 17.
My father was an alcoholic. My mother was an alcoholic from when I was around 9 or 10 and I remember being left alone at home until late at night while she was out drinking all the way until I left at 17. My mother and brother both suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I don't even know if I'm making sense any more. I think I am now starting to ramble so I'll stop.
One thing that really scares me is that I haven't seen my mother or my brothers for 12 years now. We talk on the phone and I pretend to have reasons I haven't been to visit but the truth is I don't feel like I belong in their world and in that family. I don't feel like I fit. I also think that if I was diagnosed with BPD and my mother found out, she would have to see the correlation between my childhood and the diagnosis. She would have to feel like she was somehow responsible (again, there I go blaming her for not being there for me and not protecting me from all the things that happened). This is why I haven't seen my family in so long. I don't want to make them feel responsible and have that guilt, and I don't want to feel the guilt of why I'm not a bigger part of their lives. And I don't want confirmation that I don't belong. If I don't belong with my family, then where do I belong???
Definitely starting to ramble now.
I guess my questions are whether or not this sounds like BPD or am I just over-sensitive because I'm no longer self-medicating? And where do I go from here? I have avoided being labeled with any type of disorder my whole life, which is why I've probably never sought help before.
I'm fearful because everything I've read says that it is not curable, just managed. But I can't live like this forever. I already feel hopeless - I need to know that there is hope that I can function and feel like a normal person.
Any help is greatly appreciated. Anyone who actually read all of this is greatly appreciated.
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