Self harmed after 6 months *TW*.

Hi.
So, I hate my flat. And now they tell me I can leave in September. I've got 10 days to find a decent place.

Yesterday, somebody wanted me to come and work in a new place. I haven't worked in years. I panicked. Went to my parents, binged eat. They treat me like some sort of a burden. Yes, I need help, finding flats... I do not have a driver's license.
So, felt all lost. The guy I was seeing said he had to study. Fine, I won't bother you, I just need to get away from my parents. He knows the story. Still, wanted me to wait till Thursday. And I just needed a place to cool down.

So, feeling alone, alienated. My parents, it's like they see through me. And I've cut myself, in multiply areas. Now I look mental as ###$.

I can't cope, can't handle things together and I terrify myself. Maybe I can manage to get some free therapy, but if not, I'm doomed. I get nowhere. Just dwell in the same murky spot for years now.

If only I could remove this sickness, rearrange myself. Of course I can't. Not by myself. FML.

*sigh*

I understand your frustration and wish I could give you a big hug right now. It sounds like, as with a lot of the rest of us, you're going through a bigger spell than usual in what is a life of one ongoing "spell" of frustrations. I also had years where I could not work when I was younger and needed my parents help in finding places, public assistance, etc. It is hard, especially when we are often dealing with parents that treat us like a burden and get and get angry instead of with compassion and validation of our feelings. In the last few years I have become a lot more self-sufficient and maybe as you get older you'll be able to find more stability in your life. I have been told many time by my psychiatrist that BPD often has peaks and valleys and as you get older the peaks stay longer and they valleys less often and not as low. I hope this is right. I think this may be the case for me, but I am in my 30s now.
I wish i could tell you that things will get better but I can not. I hope they do. Tomorrow is a new day and one day since you've self harmed. You've gone 6 months, which is something to be proud of. Don't think of this as a failure, just a hiccup in your journey. We all have them. You can make it through this.

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a difficult day. As greenery stated, 6 months is a great achievement! Something that I had to learn only fairly recently is that relapse is a part of recovery. There's no shame in that. You have a spell, you learn from it, and you continue on.

Have you tried looking into your local university to see if they have any therapy at a sliding scale? I used to go to one and it only cost me $10 a session, with no insurance.

Hi, thank you both for you comments.

I'm not from the US or the UK, in here you need to be a student to get a discount. I am not a student.
Does anybody has any tips how to speed up healing of wounds? I can cover my legs with pants, but my arm is full of cuts. So ashamed...

secretsounds wrote:Hi, thank you both for you comments.

I'm not from the US or the UK, in here you need to be a student to get a discount. I am not a student.
Does anybody has any tips how to speed up healing of wounds? I can cover my legs with pants, but my arm is full of cuts. So ashamed...

Neosporin at least twice a day and keep changing the bandages. Sorry if that was too obvious of an answer. Are they bad cuts?

What is this stuff (not from the US\UK)? Will get bandages soon. Thank you.

its antibiotic ointment. can you find something that has bacitracin in it?

Greenery is right; just take it day by day. Wake up tomorrow morning and say "I haven't cut myself today." Even though you've only been awake for a few minutes, it's still true, and it'll start you on a positive note.

Don't think of it like an endurance test, where you keep score of how long you went without cutting. Just try to get through today. Most times, you'll be able to go without. Some times, you won't. The days you can't will hurt like hell, I know, but it's always the pain that lead up to the cutting that hurts the most. The shame of having done it seems to fall far behind in importance, and it should. You obviously have some big things on your mind.

I don't know where you are, but ten days is awfully short notice. Did you ask to leave and they approved it? If so, you may want to consider asking for an extension until the end of September. I know you hate it there, but at least it will buy you some time to find a place without having to take the shotgun approach.

As for the physical effects of the cuts, from what I've read, anything with Vitamin E will help heal cuts faster, as well as prevent scarring (I generally let mine heal naturally - I have a few scars remaining).

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Greenery is right; just take it day by day. Wake up tomorrow morning and say "I haven't cut myself today." Even though you've only been awake for a few minutes, it's still true, and it'll start you on a positive note.

Don't think of it like an endurance test, where you keep score of how long you went without cutting. Just try to get through today. Most times, you'll be able to go without. Some times, you won't. The days you can't will hurt like hell, I know, but it's always the pain that lead up to the cutting that hurts the most. The shame of having done it seems to fall far behind in importance, and it should. You obviously have some big things on your mind.

I don't know where you are, but ten days is awfully short notice. Did you ask to leave and they approved it? If so, you may want to consider asking for an extension until the end of September. I know you hate it there, but at least it will buy you some time to find a place without having to take the shotgun approach.

As for the physical effects of the cuts, from what I've read, anything with Vitamin E will help heal cuts faster, as well as prevent scarring (I generally let mine heal naturally - I have a few scars remaining).

Thank you.
Yes, I'm staying for another month, still haven't told them, but I will. And I can, I paid for it. I'm putting an antibiotic cream on it, but it looks so nasty. It burns and itches and why did I have to do it. I'm worried. My sleeping pattern is all over the place. I don't know what will happen if they won't accept me into therapy... got an appointment next week, and I'm gonna come all cut up, that will probably reduce my chances.

I'm scared, I really am. But there will be unknown things forever, I do know that. I'm just not coping with things as I should. Thanks again.