How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

worried.. i think i've upset someone..

i hope i haven't but i think i have..


also; panicky for an unknown reason.. not had panic attacks for years but i had one earlier..

Today is baking cookies day lol

Annoyed. I keep forgetting how pointless it is to talk to people.

Dead.

Still missing my last boyfriend. He makes up stupid reasons to contact me, then he tells me he has a girlfriend. I told him not to contact me again or I'll report him to the authorities. Every time he contacts me I start missing him and thinking of him more.

I also keep getting these sudden attacks of guilt, anxiety, panic, crying, depression, etc. I have no job and am stressed out. I ran out of savings, the money I'm living on now is money my mom gave me and it won't last forever. I hate feeling dependent on other people. Its hard to get a job now. I think its the economy and its depressing. I'm frustrated and anxious and don't know what the future holds. Its hard to be optimistic. Then I just beat myself up and feel guilty for complaining. I feel like a spoiled brat, even though I'm not. I've worked and struggled a lot, got an education, etc. The bad economy is not my fault but its hard not to take it personally.

And today I just found out an old high school friend just got engaged. That triggered me because I've been feeling so lonely and alone. Why can't I be so in love and happy like they are? Even though some guys are asking me out, I still have feelings for my ex and don't want to date anyone until I've over that. Mostly I'm annoyed at these attacks of panic and anxiety and guilt and worry I keep getting, and have been drinking way too much as a way to deal with it. Maybe once I get a job I'll feel better....

Unfair. I wonder how my relationship - how I myself - would have been different if I could have been strong and accepted my boyfriend for who he originally was instead of molding him to meet my needs. Or to pretend to be who I need. Not only did I do what I did, but by doing it, I put myself in a situation where I can never, EVER know if my partner is being honest with me.

If I'd embraced who he is instead of his potential to meet my ideals, I would at least have reason to trust his incentive to be HONEST with me. But I know damn well that I took that incentive away when I started abusing him.

Now I know I'm unhappy, and him? I'll never know, possibly.

Annoyed. Why are people w/physical disabilities respected for their talents and strengths (as they should be), while those of us with personality disorders are misunderstood and devalued? I get that we have some quirks and it may take some extra patience to work with us, but I've never met a BPD person that wasn't always a step ahead of most.

Angry at stupid bitches who don't know what the ###$ they're talking about and get THEIR PERIODS all over everyone because of it.

Even angrier because one of said stupid bitches just tried to reach out to me. Are you serious? You're not DONE spewing your ignorant hatred? My inbox automatically deletes PMs from FOES so f*ck off, and go back to your TYPICAL land of TYPICAL self-loathing and TYPICAL disordered people and TYPICAL BIGOTRY.

I feel sad when people attack me and hurl insults, threaten to hurt me, call me names, and lash out at me when I didn't mean any harm.