How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

Echinacea wrote:Hi guys
Hope everyone is doing ok?

@Me
Im sat here in my bosses huge home for 10days while she is on her hols, great view ..bandaged toe...just looking out of the huge windows at the mountains across the frozen lake..feeling at peace atm...today i feel relaxed and well and without pain

i hope your days are going ok to guys

That sounds really lovely, other than the bandaged toe. It sounds like your boss is really fond of you! I can see why though.

I've had a wonderful day. I feel like I'm on a cloud tbh. <3 I asked F for her help getting my mom's birthday present ready since she was so helpful with Christmas. In return she wanted me to help her grandma with some car registration stuff and purchasing some items for the vehicle, as she gets really overwhelmed and confused by those types of things. So her grandma bought us a big brunch before we went to the shop and the waitress was really nice to us because grandma goes there all the time. Then the store, then we went to the registry and I saw my favourite bakery. The cakes are so beautifully decorated and so ######6 good. So I asked her grandma if she'd ever been there before and she said "no..." but looked in the window wistfully lol so I said "you got us lunch, let me get us some dessert." And she was so happy in that bakery! She looked at everything and got what she wanted. Then we took her back to her house and went to F's house.

And F was in a good mood, she said "I don't think you know how happy you made her today. It means so much to me that you're good to her." So we just hung out and then we ended up having a really deep conversation. I'm still trying to process it all. I told her some of the things I feel about myself, deep down. And she said something that I've never, ever heard anyone say to me before. But it was dead on truth, and I can't get her words out of my head. But it explains so many of the things that have happened to me over the course of my life. It was kind of eerie because in that moment I felt emotionally naked, like someone had stripped me down. Like after telling myself so many lies, and hearing so many lies, someone finally told me the reality. I dunno. I'm still trying to process it.

Is it still a crush when you're with the person? I mean, I care for her but I still feel like I have a huge crush on her. She looked so good today, I felt like I couldn't breathe at a few points. She seemed untouchable, and it was weird to think that I could, in reality, touch her almost any time I want/ That's probably just the pedestal thing going on, I guess.

@witches
Thanks for the happy tears ..omg your are wonderful haha

I love grannies too, they are the wise ones of this world, and its right SO are happy when a spouse takes time to make a gran/grandpappy happy, its one of the selfless things you can do (my ex liked/likes it to) i still do things with my ex grandmother.

To be able to strip your self of anxiety and stress and truly be open to another person (especially grannies) is bloody brilliant, i am so glad that you had the experience and it will have done more healing than you'll ever know

You showing granny the cake shop melted my heart ha ha that was just so loving and kind

MY BOSS
yes she cares for me a great deal and i feel very honored to have these opportunities here, trust is earned ive always been able to be trusted, thats one of my main values
And instantly my boss saw that in me

CloudShark wrote:I'm ok, not at any extreme today and my mood has been stable for months. It's just the anxiety/ocd which has been difficult, but I have some ERP therapy coming up for that.

@ Echinacea - What happened to your toe? The house sitting sounds good though. You live in Viking country don't you? I'm well jealous, it's beautiful and if I ever got to choose where to emigrate to, I'd choose Iceland.

yes i understand that feeling too, anxiety is a tough one, i hope you feel calmer soon

My toenail got an infection (never share showers with SO that had foot infection lol) so i had to get my big toenail fully removed, im managing the pain and googy feeling its the inability and restrictions of no shoes (in snow) thats a pain lol...and i cant always get a ride
oh well ...not to long for healing so its ok

I feel out of place and alone. I feel like a burden to the world. I have a neverending cry that won't come out. and when I see people happy, I just writher in pain.

what the hell is wrong with me. I should be happy for you. I should be peachy that things are looking up for you. I should be so ######6 ecstatic that you and yours aare hanging out and doing great things. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A SHITFACE and feel the terrible things I do when I read.

I am a terrible friend and it doesn't matter. a terrible friend is a terrible friend. and I deserve to be shot where I stand.

rough and alone

@np01,
Firstly i want to welcome you back

Healing for others can make you angry and resentful and that feeling is ok np01, you will feel like this when you are going though hell yourself ...i DONT feel that you are a bad friend , just a friend in a bad place right now, dont punish yourself for your angry feelings ..just learn from them (when your ready)

stay safe my friend
and hugs here for you when you need them

Echinacea wrote:@witches
Thanks for the happy tears ..omg your are wonderful haha

I love grannies too, they are the wise ones of this world, and its right SO are happy when a spouse takes time to make a gran/grandpappy happy, its one of the selfless things you can do (my ex liked/likes it to) i still do things with my ex grandmother.

To be able to strip your self of anxiety and stress and truly be open to another person (especially grannies) is bloody brilliant, i am so glad that you had the experience and it will have done more healing than you'll ever know

You showing granny the cake shop melted my heart ha ha that was just so loving and kind

MY BOSS
yes she cares for me a great deal and i feel very honored to have these opportunities here, trust is earned ive always been able to be trusted, thats one of my main values
And instantly my boss saw that in me

I am glad I had that experience too. The reason why that moment stood out to me is because it was so human. Here's someone who has seen so much life, yet her face lit up like a little girl in a candy store, and I think that's so beautiful. Sort of a "stop to smell the roses" day, if that makes sense. And her grandma is an incredible human being, she's always loved F unconditionally, she's gone above and beyond her role. Grandma doesn't know that I know all she's done for F, but I am really moved by her story.

Yes she must trust you if she lets you house sit! That being said you don't seem the type to do anything seedy lol.

np01 wrote:I feel out of place and alone. I feel like a burden to the world. I have a neverending cry that won't come out. and when I see people happy, I just writher in pain.

what the hell is wrong with me. I should be happy for you. I should be peachy that things are looking up for you. I should be so ######6 ecstatic that you and yours aare hanging out and doing great things. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE A SHITFACE and feel the terrible things I do when I read.

I am a terrible friend and it doesn't matter. a terrible friend is a terrible friend. and I deserve to be shot where I stand.

I don't think you should feel bad for that. I think we all have that part of us sometimes. Hell, I have a few blogs on Tumblr that I follow only for the drama and trainwreck, a sick part of my mind revels in it. And even some of my dearest friends, if they're happy and I'm not, sometimes I'll just think "ugh your life is gross." And I can tell by their faces that they think the same about me sometimes lol. It's a less pleasant part of our human nature that I accept at face value.

jody- wrote:rough and alone

Hi jody
sorry your feeling alone right now , i hope you find some comfort knowing your not alone here


@witches
I understood instantly the "smell the roses moment" thats what brought tears of joy ..i even pictured her face in the shop and visualized her excitement
perfect moments are for treasuring

I'm feeling rather angry right now. I read a previous post with a guy criticizing those who self-harmed, and though I don't do so currently, I couldn't help but feel enraged. Currently shaky with sweaty palms, and oooo. Lots of words to say. Sent a report, and I'm finding it difficult to calm down. Trying to focus this energy on homework though.

Days go by. Again and again. And again and again. Again, again, again. It's bright out, it's dark. It's bright, it's dark. Am I tired now? I'm always tired. Nothing ever gets done. Dust piles up. Same old routine. It takes work to eat. Death creeps in. "Did you forget about me?" "No, not me, never. Why are you pestering me?" Lump in heart. Lump in throat. And I wonder. "Is it time? How long would it take before anyone found me? Weeks? Months? It's when the money stops flowing in, isn't it? How long have I lived like this?" How do I feel? Nothing. Like always. I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me.