How Do You Feel This Moment? *TW*

As ready as I will ever be to kill myself. I almost committed myself to the psych ward it was getting so bad. But I am OK for now.

I guess that's what I get for putting all my eggs in one basket. Discouraged borderline indeed.

glad you're ok for now, oath

i'm sorry about whatever happened

Thank you.

I still feel terrible but I am safe. I called the distress centre and as soon as I disclosed my BPD I got "well, uh, we are quite busy tonight and I don't know if we can solve your problems in this session, but let us know if you feel in danger, for now we need to take other callers." Jerk offs!

I was on the side of the road feeling like total garbage. I literally just curled up in my car and cried and said to myself "I can't do this anymore, I can't see a way out, I am so alone in this world." And because of the distress centre I began to think "no one can help me, no one cares." Suddenly a man appears and I thought I was going to be murdered lol. But he asked me if I was ok and I said no, and he took me for a coffee and he listened to me talk about my problems for two hours. He was a lovely man and we exchanged telephone numbers. I can't say he said anything I didn't already know. But I feel like it had to be a sign, a sign that everything is going to be ok somehow. He said he got a sense as he drove past me that he needed to stop, and he didn't, but it kept nagging at him so he turned around and stopped to see if I was ok.

I can't say I am religious but I just feel like that's got to be a sign. I feel like, in a way I was praying to something in that moment, calling out for help and someone was sent. or one hell of a coincidence.

That was rude of them at the distress center. I'm sorry they said that.

Its great that man took you out for coffee and talked awhile though. Maybe it is a sign.

How are you doing today?

Big hugs to you

justagirl00 wrote:That was rude of them at the distress center. I'm sorry they said that.

Its great that man took you out for coffee and talked awhile though. Maybe it is a sign.

How are you doing today?

Big hugs to you

It was nice. He texted me again this morning saying that he hoped I was OK. At first I thought it was weird but then I thought, if someone told you they wanted to kill themselves, wouldn't you wonder the next morning? lol. But yeah I do find it funny that in that horrible moment, curled up, feeling totally alone and like no one would care to reach out...that guy appears.

I don't know how I am today. My dog is suffering, I tried to pet her and she just cried for an entire minute even when I took my hands off. My parents won't take her to the vet, my dad is in denial and said she's just too old and that's why she's crying. And I still toy with the idea of dying on and off. I don't believe I am at risk to myself, at this time, but. I've probably lost my job, I've lost the trust of my colleagues, I've lost a good friend, and some people at work found out that at one time I became a woman, and someone told me they had been speculating about me for a long time, as there was something "weird" about me. So the people I trusted and thought accepted me as I was actually were gossiping behind my back trying to find out what my deal was.

I don't want to die so much as I just want this to end. Why does my past always have to be held against me in some form or another? And I feel like, BPD wise I have taken a huge step back. I always try to think of the forest fire analogy...have since I was a kid...sometimes things have to crash and burn, and be destroyed, in order for new life to come. My life has to fall apart in order for me to put it together in a new way. I'm just tired of the fires in my life. I am tired of rebuilding all the time. I know there's room for new life but I wasn't ready for the old to die yet. Or maybe I was...I was becoming increasingly unhappy and maybe it is time for a change in scenery. Thing is, I wish I could make changes without everything having to blow up in my face first.

Strange..

oath wrote:
I don't want to die so much as I just want this to end. Why does my past always have to be held against me in some form or another? And I feel like, BPD wise I have taken a huge step back. I always try to think of the forest fire analogy...have since I was a kid...sometimes things have to crash and burn, and be destroyed, in order for new life to come. My life has to fall apart in order for me to put it together in a new way. I'm just tired of the fires in my life. I am tired of rebuilding all the time. I know there's room for new life but I wasn't ready for the old to die yet. Or maybe I was...I was becoming increasingly unhappy and maybe it is time for a change in scenery. Thing is, I wish I could make changes without everything having to blow up in my face first.

I'm sorry to hear about your dog

What you say made me think of that song lyric "Freedom is the word for nothing left to lose."

I always found that kind of comforting. While everyone else is trying to accumulate things, I always felt freer with the less I had. Like there's no anchor holding me down. Anyways, I don't know how that is relevant, your post just made me think of that.

Having to rebuild all the time is very discouraging, to say the least.

It was nice of that man to check on you. I guess its nice to know there really are good and caring people in the world. I forget that sometimes.

I hope everything turns out ok at work. It wasn't nice what that person at work said, though. Maybe this will blow over, whatever happened.

Big hugs if wanted

It's just another night where i cry before going to sleep, no big surprise there

Focused. Distanced from my mental chatter and not reactive to my thoughts. Patient and calm. I'm also scared, with a lingering sink in my gut that I think I'll pay attention to and care for before bed. I just re-started a benzo, and it makes things a lot easier for me. I also was just diagnosed with HIV, hence the gut-sink. Fear of a life devoid of the intimacy I've depended on.

I'm sorry to hear that shadowflare

Hugs to you if wanted