Regarding to- "don't think I'm terrible enough to bpd"

There was a thread called "I don't think I'm terrible enough to be called BPD?"

So, I was wondering- Do you consider yourself "terrible"?
If so, how, in which ways?
And in which ways you're not?

You know, I never really considered myself "terrible" until recently. This is the first boyfriend who has ever lived with me for several months now and he is really getting the full dose of my BPD traits. He says I bring him and others down with my negativity. Just recently, him and my mother both "lost it" with me on the same day. My mom is like my number 1 fan (its a joke) she is very loyal to me, loving and caring. She would do literally ANYTHING for me. She is the best mom to have when you have BPD. but that day, she started screaming (RARELY does this) and said how I make little things into big deals and its not the end of the world. The next day i swallowed an antidepressant (only for two days i think it was more of an impulsive move) but I started because I felt like people could not deal with me anymore.

Also, my boyfriend likes to throw out the word selfish at me. And yes, I do believe I'm selfish (not all the time but a lot of times) but that word cuts into me real deep. That is something I am that I truly hate and wish i wasn't but i can't believe how hard is it to not be.

Im also hypocritical... way too often. I don't want people to judge me but I can be very judgmental. Im a one way street!

I don't think I'm terrible in a sense that I want to be everyones friend. If someone I meet is good with me, Im good with them and actually WANT to be their friend. I also don't find myself a selfish person at work I put them before me a lot of times (which makes no sense that I do the opposite with my mom and boyfriend).

I unconditionally love my cat. I don't see how that can make me terrible, lol!

I guess thats it.

I know that I appear horrible or terrible, but I am also going on insurmountable obstacles and disadvantage.

I don't know, I supose that I am horrible, but I still deserve to live and to be a wife and mom, so I just keep truckin.'

Meh.

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
10. Terribleness

lol

depends on the day. some days, I truly believe I am a bad, awful, terrible person. other days, I believe I'm a good person at my core who just screws up a lot. mostly I think I'm generally a good person who is sometimes terrible.

I have good days especially when I'm being productive by getting out of the house. I do have my moments when I know I could be a better person if I just stopped doing awful things like judging others.

Hi, that was me who started the thread you were talking about. First, I would like to apologize deeply for how I came across. I was overcome with frustration and confusion over my new "possible" diagnosis and the stigmatizing and negative literature I came across in my subsequent research of BPD (looking back it seems as though I had a very BPD reaction to it all....)
If I could word myself better and do it again I would ask if "society views me as that terrible". I personally don't think any of the traits I've read about BPDs makes them terrible. I've suffered with so much mental illness in my life I have nothing but compassion for anyone else's struggles, regardless of what they might be. I don't have the same compassion for myself. I regard myself as something lower than a piece of s**t, even though I know I do not possess ALL of the BPD traits some can have that makes society regard them as *toxic* or *difficult.* the literature I read scared me because I already feel so bad about myself, all of a sudden knowing (or thinking I knew) that the rest of the world hates my "type" and my new label sent me into a further downward spiral.
So to answer your question, yes, I think I a terrible person. And not just because I'm realizing I probably AM more BPD by the minute. My hatred for myself is a separate entity. I'm hating the LABEL of BPD less and less. There are "Terrible" people and actions found in all types, even the most declared "sane."
So Please accept again my apology of buying into a stigma that has already made this tough for all of us, myself included. Chalk it up to being uneducated, and probably BPD lol :/

I myself think I am. I'm almost demonic. Even though I've been through abuse as a child, I am angry. I know I didn't have the skills to deal with it, but still.

Now I'm some pseudo-adult, that chases everybody away. Too much of a burden, too odd. I am ashamed of the person I've become, I'm ashamed of this illness and the things it does to me. So, yes, I'm terrible. No job, no boyfriend, almost no friends, no degree, I'm a laughing stock and I hold onto thin air.

All of this is subjective. But that's how I feel.

I don't know if I'm really terrible. Never hated anybody. I do have rages, but I ruin stuff, mostly. But yes, all the mood swings and the low self esteem, I'm like a helpless little puppy. And it's not like a person can adopt another one. Not an adult, at least. A very dysfunctional one, but still. I'm trying my best to keep my head above the water. But it's hard, we no family support, no money for therapy. And maybe I do deserve it, maybe I am terrible. How am I to know?

I think we have to admit that a lot of us have done some pretty awful things to people in our lives. I certainly have. I regret it every single day, especially what I did to one person in my past. But then I realise I'm still doing these things now. I just thought I was a really horrible person until I read about BPD and read other people's stories so at least now I know I'm not the only one and there is a reason behind it.

secretsounds wrote:I myself think I am. I'm almost demonic. Even though I've been through abuse as a child, I am angry. I know I didn't have the skills to deal with it, but still.

Now I'm some pseudo-adult, that chases everybody away. Too much of a burden, too odd. I am ashamed of the person I've become, I'm ashamed of this illness and the things it does to me. So, yes, I'm terrible. No job, no boyfriend, almost no friends, no degree, I'm a laughing stock and I hold onto thin air.

All of this is subjective. But that's how I feel.

I don't know if I'm really terrible. Never hated anybody. I do have rages, but I ruin stuff, mostly. But yes, all the mood swings and the low self esteem, I'm like a helpless little puppy. And it's not like a person can adopt another one. Not an adult, at least. A very dysfunctional one, but still. I'm trying my best to keep my head above the water. But it's hard, we no family support, no money for therapy. And maybe I do deserve it, maybe I am terrible. How am I to know?

GOD THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL! When I read this I thought I was reading my own story.