Love Addiction/ No More Affairs!

I have been married for 14 years. Over the past 3 I have had affairs. The last year and a half until I ended it (which is amazing to me because of my fear of abandonment) last month was with a Narcissist. I have been creating love triangles since College. Much drama. Very painful breakups where I had suicidal ideation. The constant retriggering of the core abandonment trauma and being with men that are emotionally unavailable is so familiar to me. The N was just like my Mom, the negatives and positives. The breakup with him recently was most difficult. I feel like my heart is torn to pieces. The pain is physical and unbearable. But I have been through this before and I know it will pass. I know its not HIM I miss but the fantasy of what he and I could have been. And the longing for a normal bonding with my Mom and for her approval. And I do have a husband who adores me. I will never cheat on him again. Him and I have sexual problems that we will work out and I want to heal from the BPD. I will learn to love myself,to reparent myself and give myself validation that I always sought from me. They say that Borderlines don't learn from their mistakes, but I know this addiction will kill me if I keep acting out with me. If I am not binging on food or acting out with men, my Borderline symptoms are much better. That is because I have more of an identity and am doing more stuff that I love rather than being distracted by wanting someone's love or food all day long.

I also believe being with an N really brought me down. I was doing much better before him, before the affairs. I think its the worst combination for the Borderline. We already werent' validated by our caregivers. HIs invalidation compounds it. His lack of empathy. I am actually proud of myself ofr ending it. He wanted me to leave my husband. The mental connection was good, the sex was amazing and we would have great eye contact. But I knew as I would get to know him better that he would abuse me. I knew if I lived with him I would see his true colors.

And now my husband and i are actually working through our sexual problems.

More later on my other Borderline symptoms but I just wanted to introudce myself and express the grief I am going through. I do feel angry and bitter. But when I think it through and use my wise mind I know that he couldnt' give me what I needed. I know my anger has to do also with the fear that my husband will never make me feel like a women. If it doesn't work out than at least I will try with therapy and NO MORE MEN ON The SIDE.

C

It gets better. It does. It takes time.

Abraham Lowe is good (Recovery) and the 12 steps are good as well.

More and more folks are saying that Borderline is manageable and it is not a death sentence.
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I used to have this addiction; once you hit bottom, a person loses in it and sees the addiciton it for what it is--a relationship destroyer.

I am very glad for you and wish you all the best.

Signed,

a fellow relationship addict

Don't know you but if you were standing before me right now and had told me all that you have written I would have given you a hug and a knowing smile.

Welcome to the forum.

I wanted my husband AND my narcissist, and I wanted BOTH to belong to only me. The narcissist belongs to no one though.

You should be very proud of yourself for recognizing the unhealthy pattern and ending it. N's really aren't the type to sever relationships completely because they want things to be left open in case they become bored or their supply is low. Walking away from someone you feel a deep connection with is hard, but you had every reason to move on. Your husband and you are in love and that's worth fighting for. Give it your best shot and even if it doesn't end up working out at least you tried your hardest. You deserve happiness.

I've only had three boyfriends in my life one I ended up marrying. The other two were no good, but I was addicted to the drama they brought into my life. If things are calm in my marriage I have to provoke my husband just to mix things up a bit. I've been carrying on an emotional affair which turned physical with one of my ex boyfriend's who is a Narcissist the entire time I've been married (3 years).

N's are very abusive people behind closed doors. Once they have you right where they want you they strike. An example: in the beginning an N will tell you how beautiful you are and then as a jab they'll also list one thing you could fix about yourself to make you perfect. Then it snowballs into outright attacks about how your nose is too big, your arms too flabby, and etc. whenever they feel slighted. They like to daydream with whoever they're interacting with about a bright future together knowing full well they're lying through their teeth.

I know the N in my life would happily sleep with one of my friends or family members if the mood ever struck him which is why I never brought him around my family. He's done it to his other girlfriends without batting an eye while claiming he wanted to show his girlfriends what horrible people their friends are. Sort of I only hurt you to teach you a valuable lesson (tough love) approach. It's not love it's sadism. Every girl he gets with he proposes to quickly so she feels as if their connection is deeper than it actually is. She's the love of his life and that's as far as he'll go. It's all words with no action because he's not going to stop sleeping around or carrying on with other women.

Reflection. thank you for your understanding
and empathy. I wanted the exact same thing.
I am too self aware now to continue this
destruction. My conscience was coming
through strong and I started to have panic
attacks.

Bcm, I did see glimpses of his Sadism
and cruelty. It happened when I criticized
him once and when I was being emotional,
he was frustrated because he couldn't feel
his emotions so he lashed out at me.

It's scary to me how I can split as a Borderline.
I was able to be with him for so long because
I ignored his negative traits. Then when I
would get scared of losing my husband or
of him bringing me down I would see him as
all bad. Then I would justify the affair by
making my husband all bad. And by rationalizing
my need for emotional and sexual intensity.
I totally lost the fragile Self I had to begin
with. It was hard to let go because the N
was an escape from the emptiness.

How do I fill that void so I don't do this again?

I'm thinking mindfulness and dancing as a start
And sex with my husband!! How about that!!!

-- Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:51 pm --

Reflection. thank you for your understanding
and empathy. I wanted the exact same thing.
I am too self aware now to continue this
destruction. My conscience was coming
through strong and I started to have panic
attacks.

Bcm, I did see glimpses of his Sadism
and cruelty. It happened when I criticized
him once and when I was being emotional,
he was frustrated because he couldn't feel
his emotions so he lashed out at me.

It's scary to me how I can split as a Borderline.
I was able to be with him for so long because
I ignored his negative traits. Then when I
would get scared of losing my husband or
of him bringing me down I would see him as
all bad. Then I would justify the affair by
making my husband all bad. And by rationalizing
my need for emotional and sexual intensity.
I totally lost the fragile Self I had to begin
with. It was hard to let go because the N
was an escape from the emptiness.

How do I fill that void so I don't do this again?

I'm thinking mindfulness and dancing as a start
And sex with my husband!! How about that!!!

-- Tue Aug 13, 2013 9:53 pm --

Reflection. thank you for your understanding
and empathy. I wanted the exact same thing.
I am too self aware now to continue this
destruction. My conscience was coming
through strong and I started to have panic
attacks.

Bcm, I did see glimpses of his Sadism
and cruelty. It happened when I criticized
him once and when I was being emotional,
he was frustrated because he couldn't feel
his emotions so he lashed out at me.

It's scary to me how I can split as a Borderline.
I was able to be with him for so long because
I ignored his negative traits. Then when I
would get scared of losing my husband or
of him bringing me down I would see him as
all bad. Then I would justify the affair by
making my husband all bad. And by rationalizing
my need for emotional and sexual intensity.
I totally lost the fragile Self I had to begin
with. It was hard to let go because the N
was an escape from the emptiness.

How do I fill that void so I don't do this again?

I'm thinking mindfulness and dancing as a start
And sex with my husband!! How about that!!!

Dancing is the perfect first step because you get all your energy out. I hope you and your husband have fun.

I've been experiencing splitting since my early teens and never knew what it was. Things are either good or bad with no middle. All an N can do is fill a void, but they can never truly be a partner because they lack empathy.

You're definitely going to gain more by removing the N from your life and moving onto healthy relationships with people who can form loving bonds.

Thank you Little Archer

It must be the right way for me too ....this morning I was thinking about getting into meditation again. And then I read your response!