New, BPD & AsPD diagnosed; seek understanding of Dx

Newbie, male, 53, strong atheist and not looking to do therapy; just want to understand more about Dx
This is a bit about me:

-I think this is my first self-disclosure post, and definitely my first dx-related post here, but anyway, briefly:
-diagnosed BPD, with NP and As tendencies 4 years back; 30 years back, a holy do-gooder psych in training made a "tentative" diag of BPD
-struggling with Dx since I don't self-harm and seem pretty stable in my moods (though they can swing, it is a manageable arc); also, don't need to be accepted socially, and feel positively anti-social most of the time, and so far I haven't had many "hey I can really relate to you, man" type of encounters with other BPD people, though some such encounters with AsPD and SPD folks (my favorite fora, because people there don't seem to suffer from many delusions and like to interact in what I regard as an honest, straightforward, no bs-type of way, which others often interpret (because of their inauthentic, cloying need to be loved by everyone) as rudeness or harshness or a personal attack;
- i refer to humans as 'sapes, reminding me of our animal (as opposed to half-angel) nature, and our evolutionary kinship to other aggressive apes: like chimps: territorial, mendacious and sadistic)
- dreams don't mean anything: but the having of them can be purging: like the mind junking stuff it doesn't need, or like an consciously inadmissable desire popping past the censor of the conscious mind, or just the unconscious massaging away the stress of the day
- I am a scientific rationalist materialist: no soul, no angels, no fairies in the garden of my life, nor anybody elses', unless they are deluded (like most 'sapes) or really sick, as in religious mania sufferers (look up an old DSM)
- only television drama show worth watching, and my all-time favorite: House Md: this is my acid test as to whether I move to stage 2 in getting to know someone: if someone I meet says that they positively dislike or hate the character portrayed by House, I know already that I will hate them and they will, at the very least, feel very uncomfortable around me
- hate is a very under-rated emotion: it has its place just like all the emotions and we ALL experience it, harbour it, nurture it, whether we know it or not, but most of us hypocritically deny it or sublimate it; I tend to be pretty upfront about it;
- I am an anti-humanist (not anti humans, as individuals, no, I take life one sentient being at a time, on each one's merits, and I don't give any free starting points to one individual animal just because s/he is a 'sapes)
- humanism is the bastard child of the unholy union between dead or dying religion and the Enlightenment of 18th Century European intellectuals who, when they saw that all gods were dead (that would have included EVERY new-age conception, had those bad ideas been around in the 18th Century) scurried around and got up a shot-gun wedding with the ex-sanguinated church to make a wan bride of her, jumped in the cot and produced the sickly weak insipid bastard progeny known as humanism: to wit: humans are the measure of all things, bulshit; humans are the reason for the world being here, bs; humans can be perfected, bs (no other animal in nature would even dream of making such a claim, even if they did have a monstrously enlarged neo-cortex with language capacities to do so); human consciousness is somehow the last "god" bit, unassailable, incontestable proof that we are semi-divine, bs: neuro-science is demonstrating day after day how consciousness is a helpful fiction, negotiated constantly by funny loops between the thalumus and the neo-cortex, in order to give us the impression of an enduring self continuing through successive moments; humans are superior to other sentient life, bs (so absurd I won't even bother refuting it)
- there is no such thing as free will, so we are pretty much stuck with our constitution and a tangle of pre-conscious drives and desires, none of which can possibly be harmonized into a stable happy unit: ie: we are constitutionally conflicted beings: this just flows from the evolutionary cul-de-sac 'sapes when down, taken by blind evolutionary forces, about a million years ago, when the experiment with bi-pedalism led to a run-away explosive growth in the neo-cortex, which gives rise to our awareness of the (illusory) self, which in turn brings the curse of awareness of personal death, extinction, which in turn gives rise to the terror which is the mother of ALL AND ANY religious or spiritual notions about the exalted, special status of 'sapes

Let's see, what else:
I read a lot of books, just broke with my girlfriend 30 years my junior, after 3 years of bliss (we are still best friends, thank christ), I have liver disease, ride a power motor-bike, work as a snake-catcher (my avatar shows my hand holding a beautiful, placid coastal python, most adorable, clownish snake on the blue planet) and I love horses and dogs and wild lonely mountain country.

Spout it for an opener
PS: if you are a creationist, I don't care what you have to say: you are so deeply mired in self-delusion that I would be wasting my time engaging in any type of discussion with you ABOUT ANYTHING! so, please, creationists of ANY ilk, put me on your ignore list and DO NOT contact me

Oh, and as far as the pain and suffering go: I have my share, and though I don't like to whinge about it, and I don't want to artificially change my personality through something like DBT or psychoanalysis, I would like to unpick the strands of that ball of generalized suffering a bit.

That's why I am here: to gain insight.

A lot of the time I just feel dead, or, at best, cocooned: as if the life process has been shut down till conditions get better, more amenable to the being I am, more likely to let me flourish and unfold.

I hardly talk to anyone on a given day, having burned or spurned or otherwise wasted all the love and friendship that was ever tossed my way.

Now, with my friend and I splitting up, I feel like I have been forced to face my true condition in its absurd nakedness: a 53 year old with failing liver, friendless, not wanting friends, at least, not unambiguously ... "a mote of dust floating in the dark light of nullity" to quote my superhero, Sam Beckett.

I posted this over here because no-one responded where i posted before.

I can accept this: I have posted a pretty bleak, blunt message: "come say hi if you dare" but unfortunately or otherwise, that is me, that is the person I have to live with and that is why no-one much can put up with me; so where else do I go if it is not around my nominal "brethren" who suffer the same root pain, the same deep scar that never heals, that can't be healed?

So I have no choice but to come and offer as honest a self-appraisal as I can, so that I don't waste your time, and you don't waste mine.

I stress again: if you are a creationist, please DO NOT respond: I'm allergic

hi
welcome im new too and also dont match all the criteria (any longer)
maybe browse the threads see what you can relate to...this is what i did...users here are very supportive and helpful but also very emotional - it comes with the territory!
i havent noticed much religion talk so its safe to say it wont be an issue.

Going by the post you sound fine apart from the liver disease. Lol at 'sapes, interesting view of humanism (not done enough reading into it to give a decent response of any kind.) Most people would suggest you need to be more tolerant... e.g. about creationists but don't ask me, let's face it I think they're deluded too. I won't go as far as refusing to discuss little things like the taste of coffee, as long as they don't go off on "God made a good coffee"

edit: having said, I won't go out of my way to speak to them, even about coffee and am probably likely to avoid it...

Sure hope a 58 year old agnostic is ok. I've had friends on both sides of that river, and find a lot of pollution on both sides too, but enough of that pollution.

It's interesting you were originally diagnosed as a border. I was originally diagnosed as a Manic Depressant, back before it was called bipolar. I do have mood swings I can usually control when I want to. But certain triggers I don't do so well with. Have you had any criminal background as you were growing up and thru adulthood? Are you a risk taker? Are you compulsive? Those qualify for both BPD and ASPD. Also you show some avoidance traits too. May I ask if you have any feelings of grandiosity?

Here's my 2 cents. These labels we throw out here are nothing more then road signs. They point in the direction doctors seem to think we go in mostly or usually. It doesn't take in to account a person can go in various directions depending on mood. It doesn't really accurately describe who/what we are. IMHO I think the whole world is crazy! We just all vary in amount and direction. Welcome to the forum btw.

yeah i think the bpd side of things is supposed to be more about emotional instability/strong emotions, unstable relationships and general chaos. - or sense of vulnerability and lack of sense of self for the more "borderline type" categorization.

I don't really relate to bpd - the more "emo" side of me is more about ###$ it, i don't think i have it in me to bother with this "life" thing any more, I'm gonna curl up and go to sleep. Wake me up when its over. I don't get chemically depressed though. its just how i feel about things at some level. didn't get what i needed to make me feel ready to exist, and its always in there waiting.

katana wrote:yeah i think the bpd side of things is supposed to be more about emotional instability/strong emotions, unstable relationships and general chaos. - or sense of vulnerability and lack of sense of self for the more "borderline type" categorization.

I don't really relate to bpd - the more "emo" side of me is more about ###$ it, i don't think i have it in me to bother with this "life" thing any more, I'm gonna curl up and go to sleep. Wake me up when its over. I don't get chemically depressed though. its just how i feel about things at some level. didn't get what i needed to make me feel ready to exist, and its always in there waiting.

no offense, but if you don't really relate to borders, wtf are you doing replying about it?

littlearcher wrote:jkimbo, katana is a pretty regular poster here on bpd and adding "no offense" to the beginning of a statement doesn't excuse the use of that kind of tone here on a support forum.

that said, i'll let her field your question.

I still would like a answer to my question. Is it permissible for any one to post any where? I think I asked a valid question. I was expecting a valid reply.

-- Sun Aug 11, 2013 8:22 pm --

jkimbo wrote:

littlearcher wrote:jkimbo, katana is a pretty regular poster here on bpd and adding "no offense" to the beginning of a statement doesn't excuse the use of that kind of tone here on a support forum.

that said, i'll let her field your question.

I still would like a answer to my question. Is it permissible for any one to post any where? I think I asked a valid question. I was expecting a valid reply.

What is the point of posting a reply if your not familiar with the topic or understand the issue and then attempt to answer it any way? I don't get that at all.

what am I to make of her statement

I don't really relate to bpd - the more "emo" side of me is more about ###$ it

I think I had a valid reason to ask my question.

Littlearcher, jkimbo and katana:
THANK YOU
you have brightened my day just getting your responses.

I think I hide and bury a lot of my emotional nature because I just do not know what I feel
or how to express that which I do recognize.

As if I don't have clear neuronal connects between heart and logic centres of the brain.

I am going to answer each and every question specifically, later tonight; meanwhile, sun tapping here, snakes are rising from sleep, and the phone is running hot
(this morning I had to drag a beautiful but dead python out of roof, with maggots, and bag it and put it in my gear sac on back of motorbike: i smell very unholy, even after shower, scrub, 4 hair washes; now i go to fumigate bike and do a few more jobs)

As I said: really, really appreciate getting a response through the angry, gruff, highly ambivalent tone of my initial posts: you all deserve nominations for beatification while still alive

Dr. House probably meets criteria for cerebral NPD.