Seeking other "quiet" BPDs... :)

Hullo.
I'm a newbie around here, looking to connect with everyone really, but in particular what I have heard termed "quiet" BPDs.
I am actually diagnosed with BPD traits only, but in the spring went through DBT skills training, and related to the mess of emotional dysregulation wholeheartedly.
Why I think I am at this point in my life of the "quiet" variety, is that most of my acting out is in the past: I've been sober for over 20 years, became less impulsive once the bipolar II was medicated 5 years ago, don't engage in angry outbursts anymore (I just don't engage with people period, out of fear and discomfort),and during DBT treatment managed to overcome my shopping addiction. I am able to hold down a part-time job at a mental health agency and am told that I deal with our clients well. I am told that I am compassionate, intelligent, pretty, interesting, and good with people. But I don't FEEL any of this inside.
My internal struggle has only increased as time has passed: I've been through many jobs, terrified of authority figures like bosses, having no self-esteem or direction to build a career, and between that and the shopping addiction have never built up the financial stability to buy property or save for old age (I'm 47 and am just starting, which is hard on disability + a p/t job ),, so have become increasingly fearful of letting friends and other people find out what a "loser" (the BPD, bipolar and SAD tell me I am) so keep them at a distance and fear making new ones (and seem to scare some people with my intensity) - and don't feel that connected to the lovely ones that I DO have (though only a few of them contact me, with most of them I have to initiate always which hurts), haven't been able to allow a romantic relationship of any lengths in years (and destroyed the one good one I had years ago by pulling away), and live back at home with my elderly parents (largely out of financial need, but also because I don't believe that anyone would take this crazy loser in as a roommate). I'm back in very overdue individual therapy, but I feel hollow and terrified of people (or rather the negative messages I hear in my head about what I believe they think of me). I wonder if I the BPD is worse since DBT, or that I am simply feeling it more as I become aware of how it has coloured every aspect of my life. I have a hard time living in the now, and believing that I will be able to pull together that "life worth living" that DBT speaks of with a fuller community of friends, a partner, and a home of my own (maybe even a dog )
Sorry, hope I am not throwing too big a pity party here, just hoping to find myself a home here of people who understand... I hate where my life is at, I am such a prisoner of this, but I am determined to hang onto a shred of hope, because i know life really is beautiful..

P.S. I also have Bipolar II and SAD (a bad case that goes from August to April), and while I try and use my light box for the latter (which increases my anxiety and sense of being disconnected from the world), I am starting to think that the anti-psychotic I switched to last fall (Zeldox) has increased my anxiety, and consequently my fears around people and feelings of emptiness.Might have to address that...

How long have you been in DBT?


because it takes a while to fully get it..I was feeling like $#%^ too but then I finally got a lot of stuff I was having a hard time getting

I'm diagnosed with bipolar and an "unspecified" PD, though I strongly suspect it's BPD. The only thing I was never sure about was the fact that I don't "appear" to be overdramatic or self-destructive on the outside. If you ask my family, though, you'll hear the full story... I really can only act like myself around them. I generally avoid people in general and only connect to most people at a superficial level. I don't have very many friends, and none of them know the real me. Probably the reason why I've never been in a relationship. It sucks.

I'm glad there's someone else out there who's similar, because there are so many stereotypes about BPD that just don't make sense to me. That we all NEED to be with people 24/7. That we are manipulative. That we are (insert vast generalization here). Not everyone with BPD is the same. I suspect there are more of us out there, too. You never know...

First of, can I just say congratulations on being sober for 20 years and overcoming your shopping addiction. That is fantastic And it's brilliant that you have even managed to get yourself a part time job. But why do you not believe the nice comments that have been said to you about being good with clients, compassionate, intelligent etc... ? Maybe if you thought of one reason or one example as to why people have given you a positive comment you would believe them. Also ask your self why would people say these things if they did not mean them? Your boss/colleagues would not just say you are good with people for no reason. And I'm sure others would not praise you with compliments just because they felt like it. They really did mean it Try to be proud of yourself and proud of what you have been able to accomplish since you were at your lowest point. To have been diagnosed with all of the mental health problems you have experienced plus having a problem with a substance and a shopping addiction must have been tough but look where you are now. First of, you seemed to have been able to battled your way through a variety of mental health problems and you are still standing and, correct me if I am wrong, better than what you have been? You are also sober, you can control your shopping addiction. That says a lot about you and how strong minded and determined of a person you are...I would in no way say you are a 'loser' so please don't think that of yourself, your friends have not gone through what you have or experienced the things that you have.


By the way, I don't see 47 as being old at all, you could still have another 40 years left more or less. This is more than enough time to do something with your life, although personally I think that you are already doing great from what you have said about your life. Just take things in steps. If you work part time and you have maybe an hour or 2 to spare each week, why don't you do some voluntary work that consists of helping people that really need it? Even if it is going to play a game of cards or scrabble with a elderly person and chatting with them for an hour a week, someone that has little to no family that visits them, that will make that person ever so happy and such a big difference to their life, and knowing that you are giving someone who needs it some meaning to their life means that you will feel good about yourself which can help lift your low self esteem because you will easily see the good you are doing, making you feel much more worthy and showing yet another purpose to your life.

I think it's good that you are holding onto some hope No matter what try not to loose it! And just remember, you have made it this far and even if you are starting out a little later than most people with having the typical normal life, you can still get there, to having a full time job and your own home (even the dog that you mentioned:) ) But there really is no rush, take your time with it. You should also try and remember, your friend's who have the house, job, relationship kind of life probably have not even gone through a 1/4 of what you have been through. And any friends that judge you are not true friends. Those who see the good in you are your real friends. Even if that means only a handful of friends, it's all about quality, not quantity. So be proud of what you achieved so far, you had the choice to give up and you didn't, you have pushed through this far so don't stop pushing just yet, not till you get what you want!! Good luck with everything. And you will find some amazing support from the people on here as well, they are all lovely

ha ha I know Archers age!

HI It was really strange reading this, because I can relate to a lot of what you have written.

I'm very quiet these days.I have had HUGE breakdowns in the past, but I tend to be a 'suffer in silence' kind of person these days. I have just had to move in with my mother too...which is REALLY not helping the self esteem. I know what you mean about feeling 'hollow' inside.I feel like my past experiences have gradually sort of 'hollowed me out', and I think I come off very spaced out and quiet these days. I wasn't always this way, but these things creep up on you.

However, although I act very quiet, I'm not sure whether this is really who I am, or whether it is fear/trauma based, as I feel far more separate from and scared of people now than I used to. I also feel worse since I have educated myself more about my mental health, but I don't think I actually am worse. In fact, I think it's a part of getting better. I have always coped by repressing things and living in denial and distraction. I don't do that so much now, and so my reality is far more...errr...real, and this is difficult. I'm not sure, but that may be the case for you.

Anyway, thank you for posting, and I would recommend sticking around, because it's a forum where the same people post frequently, so it has more of a community feel than many others do.

I think as we progress, we become less vocal..


I dont really lash out at the people in my physical life anymore unless severely provoked.

actually I look at it as youre on your way there

well thanks for make me feel less clever


LOLS...


no give me chocolate

Thank you everyone sooooo much for responding; I am sorry but it will take some time to get to know all your "names". I feel not so alone now, and I will really try to take to heart what has been said to me and use it.

I only finished DBT skills training over a month ago, and I cannot afford an individual DBT therapist (I am on disability + my part-time job) so I see a caring warm female therapist that is more traditional, emphasizes us building a trusting relationship.

I think I might have had an easier time when I was younger because I was able to turn some of the intense emotions outward towards others, esp. my family (the source of the original invalidation), but I think that as time went by, I stopped behaving so (this is not "recovery behaviour" as AA, my program of choice, sees it, and i don't really feel good about myself when I engage in it), and instead i think I turn it inward => I have sooooo much self-hate, have a really hard time not comparing myself to others my age and what they have in their lives, am having difficulty having compassion for myself. It sucks.

But I am grateful to have found this place, hope I can get out of myself enough to be of some support to the others here (though I find it hard to feel connected to people I have never met physically). As Arnie said: "I'll be bahck!"