I get told I'm not trying *trigger warning*

I'm sick of this. Everyone thinks I'm just not trying. How the hell would you know that? For your information, I am. I'm not forgetting to try my coping skills, I'm spraying the internet with my problems trying to get out how I feel. I'm trying to reach out when I feel suicidal. What coping skills am I not doing? I'm busting my ass trying to get better.

If I had given up trying, I would be dead. Don't even doubt it, I'd have killed myself already. In fact, I still want to. I have wanted to for the past bunch of months. I'm fighting it like hell.

Maybe you just don't get me.

Yeah, sure... some of my choices aren't wise. Overloading on caffeine in order to lift myself up is unhealthy. But you wanna know what? It does more for me, than anything you are doing. In fact, it temporarily makes me feel better enough to deal with the situation right there and then. Instead of taking my life.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't know how to get it acrossed to you. What has been left unsaid?

I've been telling them over and over, and even outright, "I've been increasingly suicidal". Even that I've made attempts and snapped out of it. That I'm trying my hardest, and feel my control slipping. What was I told? I need to try harder, and that I'm just not trying to utilize my coping skills enough. Yeah... And you wonder why part of me wants to give up.... you wonder why I feel like this. I'm feeling more and more like you just don't have answers. You just want me to keep going there so you can keep getting paid. A fudging revolving door. I come and get "help" and you get paid.

I hate you! I really do!

Where am I going to go from here? I'm not sure. I feel trapped. Can't switch therapists and psychologists until the disability process is up.

I get the feeling they just don't have the answers. I get the feeling that they want to blame me and say I'm just not trying, because they don't want to admit that. I didn't think that before, I've been fighting that thought, but the less and less they help me, the more and more I feel like that.

Meanwhile, I see the volume of caffeine I need to consume go up. I can't just drown this out forever. I'm aware of that. I'm trying to drown it out till I find a solution. Meanwhile, I'm broker than I ever was. I'm seeing if a friend will lend me money for the internet, I might be offline soon. I need to keep it on, its how I talk to people at night to keep myself safe. My phone is out of minutes, and even if it had it, talking to someone outside the context of typing to people online, is hard, especially when you don't know that person.

I literally lock up. Unable to tell them what's going on. I can type it far better. Though whenever I have to consciously try to extract this $#%^ from my brain, it locks down and refuses me access. I lock up, and struggle to speak. Sometimes, I struggle to even read what I wrote.

At one of my groups, I for the first time in years (umm... since almost middle school, and I'm 24) lashed out over something stupid and started yelling. I realized I was doing it and left the room in embarrassment. It was over something I did that someone said they didn't like, it wasn't like anyone wronged me. I don't know how to get this acrossed to people. I'm losing selfcontrol, and am screaming for help, yet I'm just expected to stop whining and control it. I'm trying, and am having trouble.

It's almost like they don't even believe that I'm losing selfcontrol, that its hard for me no matter how hard I try. I literally lose myself. I black out and realize what I'm doing after or in the middle of it. I'm trying very very hard. What else can I say to them? Without them thinking I'm just whining and not trying? Without getting some variation on "don't give up".

Or its just that they want me to die and don't want to admit it. They want me to be gone because they can't stand me. I'm just that annoying and needy. Fine, I see how it is. I don't give a ###$ to be honest what you think of me. I'm not going for you but for me, because I want to help me, so that I can get myself out of your hair so you can do your "job".

I'm sick of people judging me. You don't know me. You don't know what I try to do or don't.

I'm trying not to lose it. I really am. I'm doing what I can. I'm doing all I can. I come to you not because I'm not trying, but because I'm trying, haven't lost it completely, but am feeling like I'm very close to losing control.

oh that chaps my hide! you are absolutely trying! you print this out and throw it in their face! I'm sorry mino, that must have been extremely painful. you did not deserve that.

(((Hugs)))

Wineaux

ther's 3 things you can do
1st he/she is out to get my he/she is a b!tch
2nd try to learn from it step back and ask yourself why doe they say that do i repeat the same (bad things) and how do i break the circle (imho identefy the things that make up the circle and work on them 1 by 1 with help from a friend or therapsit)
3 the other thing panic implode etc (wait for this to subside than go to step 2)?

madjoe wrote:ther's 3 things you can do
1st he/she is out to get my he/she is a b!tch
2nd try to learn from it step back and ask yourself why doe they say that do i repeat the same (bad things) and how do i break the circle (imho identefy the things that make up the circle and work on them 1 by 1 with help from a friend or therapsit)
3 the other thing panic implode etc (wait for this to subside than go to step 2)?

I do need to work on my triggers. Though it doesn't help that some of my triggers are:
1) Being around people and having to deal with them too much too often
2) The fact I'm unemployed and dealing with a social security appeal and that means I have to degrade myself being poor on public assistance.
3)The fact that my mother keeps finding ways of finding her way back to being able to contact me. I want that b*tc* to stop contacting me.
4) The fact that people look down on me and see me as less than them, and they don't know what I've been through.
5) The way this country is headed.

There are others. I'm trying to identify and work on them. I scheduled an emergency psych appointment today. I'm debating the utility of even going at this point. I'm still going to go. I'm just now seeing it as a waste of time.

I totally get where you are coming from.

I had what I thought was a good friend who understood really upset me recently. She told me I just needed to get out there and stop wasting my life

Jodi_ice wrote:I totally get where you are coming from.

I had what I thought was a good friend who understood really upset me recently. She told me I just needed to get out there and stop wasting my life

It's not very helpful advice, as it doesn't tell you how. Not everyone has the ability to do things as easy as others.

I quit going to those groups. They tried suspending me for having yelled, but whatever. It was bothering me to have "group therapy" anyway. I'll get my DBT online. Besides, it'll give me more time to myself to figure this out. And less bad advice and less nonsense.

i was searching google to see if there was anyone else in the world who was going through what I'm going through, which is being told by everyone i see that i'm not trying hard enough, when i'm trying as hard as I can. anyways I'm already a member on this forum, and the link to this thread happened to come up on google.

I got told today that I just need to do the things I don't feel like doing. It is the most frustrating thing ever. they put in my medical records that i'm not willing to do the things they tell me to do. But i am completely willing. I want to. I don't WANT to be stuck. who would i want that? And if the answer was as easy as me just forcing myself to do the things i don't feel like doing, then there wouldn't be a problem would there? because i would just do it. But the problem is that I CANT do it, not that I don't want to do it. What is so hard to understand about that?

I just feel so alone and don't know what to do. I'm tired of going to new therapists and being let down everytime and I'm just begging for help and don't know how i'm gonna get it.

It pisses me off so much when they tell me to try harder. So what happens at the end of the day when i've tried and still failed? Do i just sit in the corner and cry for the rest of my life and never get better? i don't want that! I wanna be happy and enjoy my life. i don't WANT to be depressed. If there was something i could do on my own to make it better, I would do it. I'm coming to YOU because i don't have a way to do it on my own!!

;( ;(

I've been in a psych ward on three separate occasions for being suicidal. And I just wish that i could kill myself, but i don't think I have the nerve to do it. And that just makes me feel even more stuck, cause i can't even freaking kill myself. There is literally no way out. This must be what it feels like to be serving a life sentence in prison. Although i'd imagine that would be a walk in the park compared to what i'm going through.

I can relate. I think if the main problem is depression and needing to self-medicate for that they can't blame you for not trying. Caffeine and stimulants are the only things that allow me to function. I put so much energy into avoiding being miserable from one moment to the next I don't really have anything left for much else. It seems people aren't comfortable with the fact that there isn't always a solution.