Borderline and new here with my woes!

Hi Dee (and Wooster). Although I am feeling very vulnerable, I see Wooster's comment as a fair call as far as me messaging my partner out of hurt and desperation. And it IS selfish of me to be asking for reassurance through my insecurity and pain. I also know its not helping. When he did msg me last night it was just to say 'BLAH', and "HEARD IT ALL BEFORE'. that certainly wasn't helping, and I could tell by the text that he was drinking. I do wonder what would happen if I was able to NOT contact him for a few days. The fear of abandonment is so overwhelming that although im trying to break contact, Im really afraid that if I do, he will never contact me again. The pain of 'waiting ' is too excruciating. But yet I guess I can see how my partner would be seeing things if he's anything like Wooster.

lucy1234 wrote:Hi Dee (and Wooster). Although I am feeling very vulnerable, I see Wooster's comment as a fair call as far as me messaging my partner out of hurt and desperation. And it IS selfish of me to be asking for reassurance through my insecurity and pain. I also know its not helping. When he did msg me last night it was just to say 'BLAH', and "HEARD IT ALL BEFORE'. that certainly wasn't helping, and I could tell by the text that he was drinking. I do wonder what would happen if I was able to NOT contact him for a few days. The fear of abandonment is so overwhelming that although im trying to break contact, Im really afraid that if I do, he will never contact me again. The pain of 'waiting ' is too excruciating. But yet I guess I can see how my partner would be seeing things if he's anything like Wooster.

I don't think it IS selfish. It is part of your illness and you should recognise that. I'm not saying that makes it ok, but anyone who loves you should be understanding of that fact. His responses to you are so invalidating...I had someone send me similar responses to me when I opened up about how I felt ("Blah blah blah, get over it") and then expected me to just accept them back into my life afterwards. With the help of my therapist at the time, I let that person go and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. He had his own issues and your guy sounds like he has many narcissistic traits as well. Does he know you have BPD? If he does, even worse. When I broke contact with the person mentioned above it was extremely difficult, but the way I managed was that I told myself he'd been hurtful and insensitive and I would only reply if he said something worth replying to. Eg. "Hello, how are you?" doesn't show remorse or care for how he made me feel so if he messaged me with that I would not reply. I think in a way I held some hope that he would send a caring message at some point but he never did and eventually it became easier to not respond to him.

By the way, there's a book called Overcoming Depression which I read a while back and has a very good passage about the way we treat others who are under stress. It said that basically our brains are wired to respond in a stressed manner when we feel we are being criticised, but that when someone shows us compassion and love the opposite happens and we are able to react calmly. It is therefore not fair for someone to get mad at you for reacting badly to criticism as this is how we are wired! And if they care they need to use some compassion and a little less of the "tough love" technique.

deethebee wrote:

wooster wrote:

deethebee wrote:Lucy, please ignore the above post. The guy is not a BPD sufferer and likes to come here just to rile us BPDers up. He's completely clueless and suffers from lack of empathy himself so don't give his words any weight!

Wonder where did you get that from? I'm a middle-aged woman / mother of two, in a blissfully happy long-term relationship.

even worse that you're a woman talking to other women with such a lack of sensitivity. It makes no difference, what I said still stands.

I by 'sensitivity' you mean feeding into malignant behaviours (entitlement issues, victim-complex & such) by positive reinforcement, then you may be correct.

What you may need to realize (for your own well-being's sake) is that NOBODY (except your parents) has any obligation, moral/emotional/legal or otherwise, to make you feel loved. 'Being loved' is not a birthright you automatically deserve (except in parent-child relations). You'll be just as much loved/liked as likeable you are towards others. If you are needy, controlling, irrational and hysterical, others will run for the hills.

I'm not telling to "snap out of it at once" as it doesn't work like that, but you can get there - might involve some serious discomfort in the process, but it's worth it in the long run.

Well, I feel I have loved him and always there for him. But now, yes I need desperately to be loved by him, not this cruel rejection. Its killing me .
And love for myself? Cant feel any of that now.I'd been through so many weekends when he 'refused' to see me. I would be sitting at home alone upset. One weekend that was approaching when he was rejecting me , I said I couldn't keep wasting my life sitting there crying while he abandoned me. I ended up planning a motorcycle trip with a friend. (He and I both ride bikes). When he found out I'd actually gone ahead and gone away, he rode all the way (200km) to meet up with me. that's the only time he's ever done anything proactive , and I think now that it wasn't because he wanted to be with me, more that he didn't want me to have a nice time without him. I just don't know.

OK Lucy - sorry if i was being a bit harsh on you. (As a backstory, my (late) mother aside, i was involved once for 14 years with a basketcase of Bipolar/narc/borderline which almost turned me into a co-dependent mess. (I still regret smashing my favourite teacup ) That's to say i think had first-hand encounters with BPD behaviours - some even by myself.)
My heart goes out for the cutter kids here, I understand alright it's not your own doing. But i think at some point (certain age) one should stop in the tracks & take a look at whether one's uncontrollable emotions are really worth all the fuss. Try to look at it all from an outside perspective.

(BTW my own sister (whom i dearly love) has some strong BPD traits (abject fear of abandonment the biggest), that's the main reason why i read this place. I know exactly where she got it from (and why I haven't), so it's a bit of an obligation on my side. We got close only a couple of years ago and still figuring out her monsters. I mean we had the *same* childhood yet so infernally different, as it turns out... )

I agree, Lucy1234, drop him! I'm male, 88, and am a bipolar manic. You have a different control issue than I do. I stay aware as constantly as possible, by paying attention to every breath, and with each reminding myself of something by talking to myself.

You might tell yourself with each breath a simple sentence like "I enjoy being alone." Using breath awareness and a few simple words to interrupt an old habitual pattern is hard work. So reward yourself often with simple enjoyments. Or focus, with a few words, on your bodily activity right now. Now I'm typing. Now I've stopped, Now I'll close the computer, etc.

Tell us how you're doing here. When you reply here, I'll know, and I am willing to talk further, try to be of some help.

Rusty9 wrote:I'm male, 88, and am a bipolar manic.

Rookie!!! I'm 93 (forever), unipolar depressive