Borderline and new here with my woes!

Hi
Its my first time writing on here. I need some support. Yes , I’m borderline although the psychiatrist I went to see was not willing to diagnose me as such, but rather agreed that I definitely had traits.
I’m 50 years old now, and am just coming to the end of a 2 and a half year long rocky relationship. Almost all have ended badly. I have felt so tortured and debilitated through these years of not being able to have a loving and smooth sailing relationship. Its been the same pattern more or less, that fits the unbearable fear of separation to the point that reality becomes so distorted. Lots of depression etc. This last partner fits all the traits of narcissist personality too, so if I ever have brought up the past,(he has lied and cheated in the earlier part of the relationship) or questioned him, or tried to talk about things that are hurting me emotionally, I am treated so cruelly by him. I get told to shut the ‘’’’up – that I cry like a little baby. I get ignored and kicked out and kicked away so much that I have no self esteem. Its always me who goes back to him because somehow I cant leave him, even though I know he will treat me badly again. I do have outbursts, but its usually that I get so frustrated at the way he only looks out for himself. It hurts me. And if I get emotional he kicks me away and days go by where I’m living in hell on my own.While he refuses to see me it only makes me more mistrustful of him, and I usually send texts to him asking him ‘who he’s with this time’. I end up after 2 or3 days, missing him so badly that I will go around to be with him. Sometimes he locks the door on me. Sometimes he lets me in. All I’ve wanted to do is talk with him and be held.
Once we sort things out a bit we usually would get back on track,and its been lovely when we do, but usually its me who rocks the boat with my insecurity, lack of trust, and feeling that Im not loved.
Its at the point now where he’s told me the scales are not tipping right and that he wont put up with my crap any longer.The slightest thing misconstrued and he treats me like im at the bottom of the plié. Has told me that other than physically , he is not attracted to me now. It hurts like hell, and its not the first time he’s said things like this to me. I’m sure that anyone reading this must think I am so weak. And yes. I am. I know that I am a BP who got involved with a Narc and I’ve tried so many times to walk away over the past 18 months. He would always tell me to go, and I know he knew how much it hurt me, and how I couldn’t bare to leave. I really need some help from people who have been in similar situations. I may sound like I’m blaming him for everything, but I’m not. I know that I can be a wonderful partner, but that I get triggered,and he’s seen my outbursts (verbal) and says he wont tolerate them any more.yet he punishes me with neglect and is so cruel to me. Somehow I think I really need to find the strength to stop contacting him. I’ve tried so many times, but I feel so horribly empty after a day or 2 that I end up trying to make things ok with him. Meantime I’m getting more and more unstable.
I’d really appreciate some support on here. I’m trying to deal with my own personality disorder whilst am under full attack from his. I’m so worn down. Have not been taking care of myself. Its really hard when your partner tells you you don’t take care of yourself, have no love for yourself, are bi polar, a slu* (THAT I am not), then kicks you out and away like a piece of trash. I had told him (when things were going ok between us), that if he wanted to get to know me and understand me, that I would tell him, but that I was too scared to because of fear that he would judge me and use it against me some time down the track. So now, he’s decided that I’m bi polar,(which I’m not) and rather than talk through anything, he’s kicked me away again.
There may be some of you out there who have some good tools to pass on to me to try and get me strong and less fearful of being without him. Otherwise just say hi 

Actually..... just reading more about my partner's traits, I don't think he'd care whether I contacted him again.Perhaps he isn't completely narcissistic, but he is exceptionally cruel and lives in denial about lots of things, plus his image to the world he will protect and cover up his flaws to a degree I've never known...and it makes it so easy for him to point the finger at me for our failed relationship. I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!

HI Lucy! Welcome! Can I just say - this guy sounds like such a dick. You have to dig deep and find the inner strength to remove this parasite from your life. You deserve better. I had this same pattern with men. I found the strength to break the chain. I found that being alone is by far preferable than being abused. Now I am so comfortable being alone that I wont take any $#%^ from any man ! Period! You don't have to! If a guy called me a slut, he'd have a huge red welt on his face in the shape of my hand! If he knows you will never leave him-its like giving him a license to treat you however he wants!

Hi Lucy,

Welcome! I am new here also. Just a couple of days here and I feel like I found the right place, so I hope you find the same comfort that I have.
I was in a 6-year on/off relationship with a Narcissist. (I am discovering via this forum that BPDs and Ns seem drawn to each other but it is the WORST coupling ever!) The best thing I can tell you is that you need to realize you do NOT deserve to be abused emotionally, physically, sexually, etc, EVER! Get it through your head now; write it somewhere you will look every day. CHOOSE to believe it - you always have a choice (or so my psychologist tells me). It took a very long time for someone to convince me that I didn't deserve to be abused. Like you, I always made excuses for his horrendous behavior. Like you, I also added so much drama to the relationship with my own shortcomings and insecurities, but you have to know that accepting your faults and working on yourself is a DIFFERENT step toward getting better. It's something else entirely to admit to yourself that you did not bring the abuse onto yourself with your actions, but that this person has his own demons to deal with and they are not your fault and you don't deserve them. I GUARANTEE you he was like this before you met him, so how could it possibly be your fault? If your N is like mine at all, he probably has a way of helping you feel like you deserve to be mistreated, but please do not believe the lies he tells you or the lies you tell yourself.
The truth is,
You ARE worthy.
You ARE capable.
You ARE strong.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

Keep coming here for support, we will be here for you, love.

Welcome!
Everyone here has given really good advice. One thing I would like to add on is that the first days are the worst. That's when the pain is the freshest, and everything will hurt. But as time progresses and you are living without him, things will become easier. Distract yourself when you leave, take good care of yourself, treat yourself how you deserve to be treated (with infinite love and caring). What happened is not your fault, he's just an b****. That isn't your fault! You know you have your own battles to fight, and him treating you like that is uncalled for, and you do not deserve it.

Please keep coming on here too. This place is very welcoming and understanding, and I hope you're able to get away from him soon.

Thanks for your support everyone.
I’m still finding my away around this site, and realize that my comments on other people’s threads are only full of questions and not helpful to anyone so sorry about that.
This is going to be a bit of a lifeline for a while. I’m so sad and desperate for a man who, whenever things aren’t going well, has left me hanging there by a thread. Boy, the times I would love to have slapped him, but I have not dared ever touch him because last time I slapped at his chest in frustration he hurt me really badly. There’ve been no more physical violence from him, though being kicked away like an abandoned dog is how I feel now, and have had that treatment so many times. When he’s been persuaded back into the relationship we’ve gone along ok for a week or 2, but its me who usually stirs things up. If Ive moaned about how he sometimes isn’t interested in things I’m talking about, he tells me that I demand his attention 24/7. That really hurts. Its enough to start an argument,(though I try to bite my tongue , often my emotions just wont let me do it) and before I know it Im being kicked out or ‘sent to Coventry.’Its happened so many times. And every time, at this point, I blame myself, because if I even ask him to share the responsibility he does not acknowledge his part in the breakdown. I know that he wont come back to me. It only resumes when I crawl back to him.Ive told him I feel like he’s using me the way he kicks me away . He tells me he doesn’t ‘use me’. Asks me why the hell he’d have stayed in this so long if he was ‘using me’. Once he said I was so much emotional hard work that it’d be easier to just go get a wh****. All these things he’s said, and there’s been so many, he tells me later that he was just frustrated, and didn’t really mean it. He makes it up to me, but next time any disagreement and I’m kicked away again. I cant take any more, but I keep contacting him because I love him and I need him and miss him so much. Its really such an illness to be like this. No matter what I try to do to get him out of my head and pick myself up and ‘move on’, I feel there’s nothing to move on to. Life is a void, and I always revert back to texting him. I tell him that I need him to stop rejecting and abandoning me because its broken my heart. I ask him to please tell me he loves me because I need reassurance. But he wont. Last night I asked him that if he couldn’t just send me a message to tell me he loves me to block my number because its too painful for me. Told him that I would most likely text him because I miss him so much, and to never respond unless it was to tell me he loves me. He sees this as me being ‘controlling’. I cant see that at all. Needy yes. Heart broken, yes.
The thing is though, that its been the same pattern for me through most of my adult life, so in the end I always blame myself. This causes me to yoyo back and forth. I really don’t know what the reality is . He’s extremely cruel, and tells me my emotions are fickle. I have never seen my emotions in that way. Extreme yes, especially when feeling im being abandoned.
I think I am kind of journaling here. I’m also ill with Whooping cough, which has reached nearly epidemic proportions over here in NZ. By the way, there is no BPD help here. Ive searched for support groups , there’s nothing….
If only I could chop out the piece of my mind that holds my partner’s memory in it. But its my heart that’s so hurt. I haven’t felt happy inside for a long time. And when I have been happy in my relationship (and loved it), my partner , once it goes all wrong again, tells me my emotions are extreme.
Every time he pushes me away we’ve eventually got things back on track, but he’s said he’s had enough now, and I know he means it.Either that or he’s loving seeing me hurt. I cant take any more but I cant stop trying to save the relationship . the last message I sent him said ‘Please love me. You are all I have’. How pathetic, but I cant stop myself. I want him to know that I love him, but then I kick myself when I think it may just be feeding his ego.
If its ok with everyone, I will keep writing things down. Im at home in isolation anyway so cant see anyone even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

You're 50 you said? It's high time you start & try to exercise some empathy, i.e. putting yourself in his shoes and accepting a NO for an answer.
You're using him for emotional gratification.
Extorting emotional intimacy from an unwilling partner is no less predatory / parasitical than extorting sexual intimacy (except the latter might land you in court for harassment).
What you are doing is bordering on stalking / harassment. Have some dignity.

wooster wrote:You're 50 you said? It's high time you start & try to exercise some empathy, i.e. putting yourself in his shoes and accepting a NO for an answer.
You're using him for emotional gratification.
Extorting emotional intimacy from an unwilling partner is no less predatory / parasitical than extorting sexual intimacy (except the latter might land you in court for harassment).
What you are doing is bordering on stalking / harassment. Have some dignity.

Lucy, please ignore the above post. The guy is not a BPD sufferer and likes to come here just to rile us BPDers up. He's completely clueless and suffers from lack of empathy himself so don't give his words any weight!

deethebee wrote:Lucy, please ignore the above post. The guy is not a BPD sufferer and likes to come here just to rile us BPDers up. He's completely clueless and suffers from lack of empathy himself so don't give his words any weight!

Wonder where did you get that from? I'm a middle-aged woman / mother of two, in a blissfully happy long-term relationship.

-- Thu Aug 01, 2013 11:30 pm --

littlearcher wrote: but i would also ask if it is love that you feel for this person or if it's a need to be loved...what do you think?

That's the crux of it all IMO. Good question.

wooster wrote:

deethebee wrote:Lucy, please ignore the above post. The guy is not a BPD sufferer and likes to come here just to rile us BPDers up. He's completely clueless and suffers from lack of empathy himself so don't give his words any weight!

Wonder where did you get that from? I'm i middle-aged woman / mother of two, in a blissfully happy long-term relationship.

even worse that you're a woman talking to other women with such a lack of sensitivity. It makes no difference, what I said still stands.