before I head to therapy...

I sought for a very long time, through many different disorders for a possible explanation of what is wrong with me. Long story short, I have an eating disorder for more than 10 years now (bulimia), I have self-injured, I am at times severely paranoid to a state of self-locked panic where I refuse to talk to people for months and lock myself inside with a new obsession of a tv show (whatever it is). I have accused my ex boyfriends of "cheating" on me because they creeped some girl randomly on facebook who lives in a different city and is something like a distant friend of family, etc. I once got severely angry at my ex-boyfriend when he was sharing how happy he is that his cousin got a new car. I threw a fit that he should be praising me and not giving gratitude to others. My mother and I have a very bad relationship because of my personality and she is a very non-comforting mother. I am paranoid to the point of thinking that my colleagues in my Master's program were conspiring against me. I deleted social communication accounts because Im terrified of people "looking at my life". The only times I relax are when I go completely into the world of fantasy (like lord of the rings or doctor who) and forget about the real world. I actually just dont "exist" when I move into their world...I just...feel as if Im one of the characters and I can share my worries/burdens with them. When I return to real world I feel alone and empty. I write pages upon pages upon pages (nearly 60 or 70, maybe more now) of "self-discovery"...I read philosophy and so on obsessively and then I write a lot in order to find out who I am. I have no idea who I am. I often dream of living in a cabin in the woods completely and utterly alone and yet I spend hours worrying about who likes me and who doesnt and send many messages in a row to different people just to wish them a good day so I hear something back from them. I continuously make up insane goals for my career (granted, I do achieve quite a bit of it). But nothing is ever enough. The second I get anything I feel empty and useless and stupid and unwanted. Its getting worse because my drinking is pretty bad. I noticed people treat me worse because of drinking so I put on a persona of a person who does not drink (or drinks in moderation), but thats not true. I would get drunk every day if it didnt have a stigma or made me have conversations with my family about alcoholism. I have thrown people out of my life without explanation, but in my head, it is because they have done obscene wrong to me and are not to be forgiven, for if I forgive them, I am stupid and easy and will be forever mistreated.

And so on and so forth.

It started to be obvious at 24, now I'm 28. I am so very tired. I sometimes walk the streets and dont really see people and if someone talks to me im startled. I have to put on a persona of the person I wish to be for the day and its getting easier. Right now, if anyone walked in to talk to me, I would feel sick. I try to be friendly with men but I get so bored within minutes. I feel like I can predict the whole conversation and I am not interested. I feel either very heavy or like I can do anything, but lately heaviness is stronger.

What do I do? Is this anything or do I just need to take it easy and stop pitying myself. I keep telling myself that, but unsure if its helping...any reflection on my state of my mind would be much appreciated....Its the first time I write anything like this to anyone....

I don't have any advice but I relate to all of this. Especially the escapism/fantasizing, I've been coming down really hard on myself about it lately (grow up, etc.) but it just makes me feel awful about myself.
Good luck with therapy.