Introducing myself - a hopeless borderline

lilodian4ever wrote:Hi Rednal,

Thanks for your response. I know how you feel about agoraphobia. I've had it for a long time now, just didn't know why.

What kind of therapy did you attend ? Was it a DBT based therapy ?

You mentioned atheism, and I can totally imagine why one of us borderlines would refuse to believe in God. However, I would still like to hear your reasons for not believing in God, just out of curiosity (please note - this is not an attempt at a debate or me imposing my beliefs on you ... I just want us to share our thoughts).

Finally, if it's ok to ask ... I'm curious - what motivates you in life ? What hobbies do you have ? Do you have family ? What's your driving force ? My only driving force used to be fitness (fitness was my religion), but now, after a serious back injury, there is none, and I can't wait for my impending death.

I've wanted to die, off and on, for the last eighteen years, since the age of 13, but the switch has stayed firmly on for the last two years or so. I look forward to being united with God.

Hope to hear from you ! Best wishes !

- The Lilodian

I have attended DBT, but it was not effective for me. There are many that it does help though. This last attempt at therapy came after calling the Director of the institution saying that DBT was not helping, and I needed another solution. It is a long story. I posted bits and pieces of it here and there in the forum, but its difficult for me to piece it all together. In the end, I just do not feel they understand me, and instead see me through the lens of my diagnosis and religious un-beliefs. The resulting frustration made me worse and not better.

The God question.

I used to be devoutly religious. In fact, besides love, all i wanted was to be a minister. There was nothing else I wanted. I was totally sold out to the belief of God. I began noticing things though, that I would deny, even while noticing. One day I will write an essay about those things.

To make a long story short, everyone likes to say God does this, and God does that. I even said such things, but the missing element in all those conversations was always God himself. If a disaster happens.... we must have done something to piss God off. If something good happened... it is because God has blessed us. The Sumerians used the exact same reasoning, as did the Babylonians, and most other religions. In the end, I determined for myself that the belief in a God that is personally interested in us is more about illusory pattern perception, than an actual God. In fact there have been studies that show that when people are faced with chaos, they are more likely to make illusory patterns in an attempt to make sense of things, than those who feel in control of their lives. You can read a little more about that study here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/artic ... perstition

This illusory pattern perception idea seems to correlate well with countries who are more religious than others. For example: poverty stricken countries are more likely to believe in God than wealthy countries. The USA seems to be an interesting exception.

There is far more to the story of why I do not believe in God. The above is just one aspect of that.

What Drives me.

Love for a variety of reasons seems too elusive for me to ever acquire. I gave up on it with my last relationship 8 months ago. I wanted to talk about the depth of that depression with the therapist but they didn't seem interested in knowing how i feel. All thats left is curiosity. I want to know how this Universe works, and how the human species will fit into the puzzle billions of years from now. I'd like to see us boldly go where no one has gone before in true geek Star Trek fashion. And i want to find a way to contribute to the change in humanity that must occur before we can realize a Star Trek like existence. Star Trek, for example, did not have currency. The reasoning was that people worked for the betterment of themselves, and for all existence, not to get wealthy. I guess what keeps me going is imagination.