On the brink of throwing my life away again.

Hi,

I'm new to these forums. I had multiple diagnosis since puberty, including bipolar disorder and depression. The latest being BPD. No two doctors seem to agree with each other.

Anyway, two years ago I took a big turn on my life and made a lot of decisions. I completely went off my meds, since they didn't seem to help, rented a small apartment in a nearby city and began stydying psychology. My girlfriend of two years at the time was studying there and most of the time we lived together.

On January things started getting tense between us and the next month I broke up with her after I found out that she's been sending naughty messages to her college teacher through Skype.

The thing is that after that I stopped working on my college assignments and withdrew to myself. My grades used to be the best in the class but now I have only 14 days left to submit 5 assignments of 18000 words together.

These last two years I've lost 20 kgs and I now weight 60 kgs with a height of 1.72. I should also say that i'm now a 21 year old male. Although I was on antidepressants and antipsychotics for a long time, I didn't experience any withdrawal symptoms as far as I can tell.

Anyone out there with any helpful advice perhaps?

Please see through the hard times and keep going. College is so important. One of the biggest regrets in my life was to not push forward with college despite the difficulties with depression and anxiety. If you can, challenge yourself to beat the odds, to push beyond the depression, and win!

It's not easy but stay in school. Get the degree. The problems that seem so important, that make it so hard, will fall away and
only populate your past. The work you do now on your education, will continue to be in your present.

Hang in there.

I know you said you've seen doctors, but have you tried therapy? A psychologist, counselor, or something like that? I'm sorry for the poor luck and difficulty you have experienced. I really suggest therapy, individual or group. If you can't see a professional, could you maybe look up a support group in your area? I agree with the others, and you will probably feel really great about yourself if you are able to get over that workload and finish your assignments. Also, maybe find something you like to do? Or if you can't bring yourself to like anything, find something you don't hate? For instance, I'm trying to teach myself how to play guitar! I also like drawing (though sometimes my expectations of myself and my perfectionism ruin it for me). Running is great when I feel like I'm gonna harm myself. Or some other form of exercise. Yoga is good for calming the mind. I don't know if this is what you were looking for, and if it wasn't, I'm more than happy to try answering your post again in a way that may be more helpful. Stay strong, and I hope things get better for you. Rock bottom is when you stop digging. Throwing your life away will only make it that much harder to pick up the pieces again. I'm rooting for you.

Everyone has made really great suggestions. I just wanted to tell you that we're always here if you need to talk, and that this tough time will pass, even if it doesn't seem like it will. Stay strong, and do your best in school, it's gonna be ok.

Good luck!

Thank you all for all your kind replies.

I've been in therapy with two psychiatrists. I was seeing the first for a period of one and a half year 2 times a month and the second for 6 months, monthly. Neither of them helped much. All they did was act as a go-between between me and my mother and stuff me with meds that made me become overweight. Because of them, I now have self-inflicted scars AND stretch marks to betray my past.

I also can't continue therapy due to the high cost. What is more, the state of social care of the country I live in (Greece) doesn't allow any effective group therapy, in any city really.

The last time I've been (voluntarily) admitted to a psychiatric hospital was particularly painful. Although I'm not usually aggressive at all, I punched an extremely rude nurse and was tied up in the bed for the next day and night. I later found out that one of the new meds they gave me during my stay there COULD encourage aggressive behavior.

Today, I planned on working on my assignments. Instead, I spent the day hooking up with guys on the internet.

All I can do is hope for a break for tomorrow.

I'm sorry that you don't have access to good mental health services. I have never gotten any real help from psychiatrists. All the best treatment I have received has been from therapists and counselors. Throwing meds at a problem doesn't insure it will go away, you know? Does your college have a guidance counselor? I hope you find a way to keep yourself safe, that is priority number one! Maybe you could watch a movie or something, separate yourself from your emotions for a little while? If you feel like you're going to hurt yourself, I very much hope you come on here and talk to us or find a friend where you are that you can talk to...Or a teacher? Even if it just puts it off for an hour or two. Baby steps! Even if you didn't get any assignments done, you're making it through the day. One day at a time is sometimes the best we can do. Don't give up! I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you fever-moon. I know that there are a lot of people that are in a worse state than me and that I should stop being such a whiny b#$ch and stop complaining.

Right now, I don't feel anything at all.

It's just that sometimes I feel that my life, that I am too f#%@ed up to do anything right again. So I usually don't even bother starting to do it. Or perhaps that's what I keep telling myself in order to explain my idleness.

Again, thank you all for your time and thank you for your replies.

Just because people are in "worse" spots (I hate saying that), doesn't make your problems any smaller, because the truth is is that our problems are difficult to us. No matter what end of the scale they end up on. And feel free to complain as much as you need, it's ok.

That is a possible explanation. I get in phases where I'm like that as well, so I completely understand how it feels. How are you doing today?

Yesterday was a big surprise. I met this guy on the net the other day and went to meet him, all the while expecting the worst and being completely paranoid about it.

Instead, I found out that he was my age, handsome, super-friendly and quite cute
We spent about 5 hours cuddling, among other things, and we even watched a movie together! All the while, me thoughts being split between urging myself to feel the moment and telling myself that like everything this too will pass and I will return to my long familiar misery.

Sorry if I bore you with the details, I don't have anyone else to share this with. I've been pushing people out my life for as long as I can remember, so now I have no friends. Nor am I particularly willing to make one, to be honest.