Really ######6 irritated

Sorry to rant..I just need to talk..

Woke up this morning..My student cancelled on me again.. Yesterday I got paid for it because I sat in the classroom for 30 minutes and him not showing

This time my employer cancelled ahead of time so I don't get paid for it.

Me and my tennessee parents are sweating things financially. We don't have money for gorceries this week.

I qualify for assistance but have yet to see a bit of it

This isn't a normal dad blow up, I'm just annoyed.

So I thought I would ask Dad to help, since I just got the church to help him with his HUGE past due electric bill..BUZZZZ no..Who am I kinding? A narc helping someone out?

Then I asked him about Jack's insulin. I am a part of a forum for feline diabetes. Often time when they have extra supplies, they will offer it up.

I am getting a bottle of insulin for free, all my dad has to do is meet her thirty minutes away.

He's already talking about how he doesn't have the gas..I'm like are you ######6 kidding me? I ask for help and you turn it around..

I proceeded to tell him that if he doesn't get it we are all screwed. We are broke as a joke for like the next two weeks so I cant pay 80 bucks for a new vial. And he bitches when he has to pay 20 for syringes.

So now I'm freaking the hell out because I know how he does this $#%^..

but..

I realize I have to play the narc game..

so


If he does not get it, I will tell him he needs to come up with the money for Jack's insulin because I don't have it. And if he threatens to give jack up, I will tell him I'll call the vet about adoption place me. When I do this, he says...NO JACK WILL GET SO DEPRESSED HE'LL die. I don't ever want Jack to be put in adoption but it seems when I ask him to put his money where his mouth is, he backs right down.

There was no yelling..nothing...Kind of pissed because he was talking to my brother the whole time he was talking to me.

I'm trying not to freak about this..I'll probably have to end up paying for gas but hey we sometimes have to do what works. And it is my cat..

Damn I hope I can get an apartment for Jack soon..I miss my boo boo

yah it was my own fault..

It's not the fact that I wanted to,


We are just running out of resources..


You know how that goes..

I am doing a lot better really..but I slip a little and I have to reel myself back in..

I think it's going to be like this for a while. Plus next week I start therapy so I will have someone beating me over the head saying, " That was stupid. You know."

It doesn't help them my tennessee mother is perpetually anxious and depressed about everything lately. I hear sarcastic comments, how bad off we are CONSTANTLY so I feel sometimes I have to solve it which is stupid I know.

My TN family has basically been living on miracles for the past three years, everything gets taken care of in the nick of time. It's just how it happens. I am ok with this. It's not like you can be prepared these days. And it's a way of life now so it's not like we can change it. So being sarcastic, worrying all the time is pointless IMO We will just get a bill taken care of and she will talk about how much GOD hates the family..I'm like really?

And she talks about ex friends of mine that I have no connections with anymore are hurting and broken more than the rest of us. I'm like no...I give that they are broken, but they willingly committ their behaviors. One of them is an ex friend whostalked me at school, hacked into my fb talked about how I was going to burn in hell and she told my sister I was the one who called CPS on her which was a VERY difficult decision I had to make. I finally told her..Hey look this friend is not my friend because she willingly hurt me doing things she knew she shouldn't be doing. And that shut her up

I'm just a little irritated to be put down on the totem pole AGAIN. Yah I am a hell of a lot more mentally healthy than I used to be but I still struggle. I just have found coping mechanism that are healthier and work for me.

My mom is a great mom but shes prone to depression so I am sure this exaserbates things Im sure.

I would like to talk to her and she would be open to that, but I think she may need a few days to sort through things don't you think? I just have not seen talking work out when two people aren't open to it.

I must have made some point with my dad though because he left a message on my voicemail letting me know he arranged everything for Sunday..

just have to be open step ahead sometimes

no i appreciate all observations..

and something's I just can't escape..

such as guys can't go out on dates with me until they meet them.. It's a continguency on me living here which is fine. While I am above the age of legalism, it's ok. Plus as we know, I don't make the best judgments concerning the opposite sex so it tends to weed out the bad one's really quick. I am really greatful with that.

And there are somethings that I need to be modified. This is a given. But really besides this, it's the calmest environment that I have been in probably my whole life. I mean I came down here and they totally left me alone. Gave me space, let me do my thing until I came out of hiding.

And they want me to independent. People have had such a hold on me that up until this point, I haven't even been able to get my drivers license. That's how control people were in Michigan. I am taking the test next week and will be driving with Amy.

And a lot of these problems are they are DEAD SET against excepting any sort of financial help from me. I pay rent and a slight increase for utilities but it's nothing like I have had to come up in michigan. Maybe 150 a month?

And I agree..it is a "different" situation. But as much as they rely on me, I rely on them. I haven't really ventured out since I got here. Some of it because I don't know a lot of the area. Some it after douchebag, I feel anyone else has motives. I have known Amy for five years and she has never asked of anything from me.

And we come from Christian upbringings. So it might be hard for people to comprehend. We just help people in need. They don't have a lot of resource but they look at this as being a servant as God called us to be. This is a sermon..just giving you a perspective.

But I agree, I need to go out and be my own person. There would be certain things I have to be considerate about with them but if I was more independent, they would actually encourage it.

It's hard to explain..I call them parents because that's the best word I have to tell people. But it's really more like family and communial living. It's just a few people helping physically to survive and finding fellowship

and yah there's ATON of passive agressiveness going on, but I have to start somewhere. I WILL NOT BE homeless. And there's no where else to go. They already know when May comes, Ill being going to grad school hours away. Heck my TN dad is getting his PHD. They may be in another state then

And i still have that I cant live alone issue. Getting to therapy had proven to be difficult in MI. I go on the 16th and it'll be so much better to hash out everything and figure out what's healthy or not and have an action plan with guidance from someone else.

It usually a great situation. Like I said, shes prone to heavy depression that makes it a lot worse I Am sure

I have absolutely no idea Archer..

Sometimes I can contemplate things and it'll come up but it hasnt yet..The ex didnt allow me to have continous therapy so I probably could have made progress either but eh..

That is something I will be working on. I would really like to go to a nice grad school in a year and have my own life.

We have to start somewhere I guess.