Noob BPDer with a question about time

Hi all,

I hope this is posted in the rightmspot, I have been lurking around here for a bit, but this is my first post, so please be gentle

I was diagnosed with BPD 6 years ago as an inpatient at a psych facility and I'm still trying to figure things out. I've always known I wasn't like "normal people", even as a child. I saw my first shrink when I was about 8 and it all went downhill from there.

Since my teens I have felt/known that I have an expiration date for lack of a better way to put it. It's still years away, but this number in my head has never changed. Have any other BPDers out there experienced something similar or is my own unique brand?

Cheers,

roncia

Welcome to the forum!
Don't worry, everyone here is incredibly nice and helpful

roncia wrote:Since my teens I have felt/known that I have an expiration date for lack of a better way to put it. It's still years away, but this number in my head has never changed. Have any other BPDers out there experienced something similar or is my own unique brand?

I can't say I've experienced that personally. Could you describe more about it? I'm very curious about this.

I often get feelings like have I served my purpose? Or why am i still here? I'm not sure if this helps.

Maybe you have a little schizotypal personality disorder mixed in with your bpd? People with bpd tend to have some sort of fixation on death what with our suicidal tenancies maybe this is just your own unique way of expressing it? I have no idea, but i agree its really interesting!

Thanks for the responses everyone, I feels AMAZING to be able to say something like I did and not have people respond like I'm off my rocker (even if I am!! )

aliveatnight - I don't really know how to explain it to be honest. For some reason I am fixated on the age of 50 and I just don't have any future beyond that. I don't know where 50 came from or why, but whenever someone talks about growing old or their kids growing up my inner voice reminds me I won't go beyond 50. It has no special meaning that I am aware of, but the number has been the same for at least 15 years, since I first noticed it. Again nothing I can think of around my teens would have significance for 50. Maybe I've somehow subconsciously made a deal with myself that I can give in to my suicidal tenancies only after my 50th birthday, as a way of coping with them on a daily basis? Almost like "you've had a good run and gave it a shot, wasn't meant to be, so time to go". I have no idea, just a theory in progress.

Hockeywife - why am I still here is big with me too.

Bohemian - I hadn't heard of schizotypal personality disorder before and just looked it up. Sure sounds a lot like me in many respects, perhaps there is more to my BPD cocktail than I realised.....

roncia wrote:aliveatnight - I don't really know how to explain it to be honest. For some reason I am fixated on the age of 50 and I just don't have any future beyond that. I don't know where 50 came from or why, but whenever someone talks about growing old or their kids growing up my inner voice reminds me I won't go beyond 50. It has no special meaning that I am aware of, but the number has been the same for at least 15 years, since I first noticed it. Again nothing I can think of around my teens would have significance for 50. Maybe I've somehow subconsciously made a deal with myself that I can give in to my suicidal tenancies only after my 50th birthday, as a way of coping with them on a daily basis? Almost like "you've had a good run and gave it a shot, wasn't meant to be, so time to go". I have no idea, just a theory in progress.

Hm, that's interesting. I like that theory, it definitely sounds plausible. Has there been anything in your past that happened to someone at age 50 (perhaps the death of a relative at that age, or some other event) that might have influenced it subconsciously? Or perhaps in your mind, once you're 50 there's really nothing else left for you to do in life, and you're mind feels like it's done after?

Just some theories that may help you. What do you think?

I've definitely felt this way before, not in a I've fulfilled my purpose sort of way but that my life is time stamped. I've tried explaining this to my boyfriend before and he doesn't really understand. I just have this idea I can't shake that there is a set time, it's closer than further. I know what you mean completely. It's oddly comforting knowing it's not just me.

Alive - I honestly don't know, could be anything!

Bri - it is oddly comforting to know I'm not the only one, sorry that you know what I mean though Time stamp is the perfect way to describe it, just something I know deep down. Do you know when your stamp is specifically or is it more generalised?

roncia wrote:Alive - I honestly don't know, could be anything!

It's fine! Just consider it something to think about if you wish.