I hate this label! Newly diagnosed

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years now. When I was diagnosed with BPD about a month ago, the only info I knew about BPD was what I had gleaned from the movie Girl Interrupted. So I went on line and read as much as I could about the disorder. I know a lot more about it now, but here is my issue. My already unstable identity is now thrown into chaos. Where do I end and where does this disorder begin? What characteristics are me and what are the disorder? I cant deal with the idea that my personality is somehow inherently flawed. Depression and anxiety are illnesses that I thought I would eventually overcome. But a disordered PERSONALITY?!! Yikes! This seems insurmountable! Yes my moods are very unstable. Yes I have distain for other people most of the time. Yes I have turbulent relationships. Yes I self injure. Yes I am impulsive. Yes I feel empty and I am lost. Yes Im self destructive etc etc. But cant these things also be symptoms of depression? Im so confused. Who am I? I thought I was just a troubled woman with past trauma, whos life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Now I feel like a walking DISORDER! All I can think now is Oh Im so effed up, which is making me feel worse! Im really having a hard time with this label!!!!!

I often have some of the same questions that you do - i.e. where do I end and the disorder begin. It is understandable you would be upset following the diagnosis. There is such a stigma attached to the borderline label, too, that could be influencing some of your worry.

But remember that knowing what the problem is is the first step in relief. I have read several different studies that have shown Borderline Personality Disorder can be 'cured' or can be mostly overcome over time.

Littlearcher's advice was perfect and worded much better than my post. A personality disorder does not imply a flawed personality or something wrong with you as a person, nor does it mean that it cannot ever go away; it is a disorder that affects many different aspects of your life. I hope you feel better soon and that this new label does not affect your self-esteem. ♥

i have realized that impulses dont come from anywhere, at least with me. impulses are stuffed emotions at the back of my mind.

so if i drain those emotions regularly then the impulse wont come. draining doesnt mean forgetting it. draining means talking with a friend about it, or writing it down over here, . anywhere where i could get a feedback. it could also mean writing it down and reading it a week later/

but i have to find outlet for the emotions, keeping them at the back of my mind will cause the dam to burst one day and hoosh, the surge of emotions will flow through my body and cause an impulsive action which i might regret

here's how i help, if i ever think about some act, i ask myself, what if the action doesnt go as i intend.

like if i have to hit on a girl, the worst that could happen is she'd say no. but i have to write this down and evaluate this possibility as well. the writing and reading my thoughts and posting my challenges here have helped me control my emotions.

about the mood swings. i'm either very happy or very sad(0 and 1 states). i reduce the 1 states and the 0 states increase on their own, like even when i'm ecstatic i try to consciously calm myself.

difficulty in identity. i got that and i've realized i have to work on it. so my work(professional work) my physical body, my friends,they define who i am. and even that is just a part of me. the voice in my head will change and keep on changing but i didnt choose it. the voice may change but the words are mine, and which voice i listen to, that is upto me

it's tough, but this forum is very helpful. you'll meet some really cool folks here

I completely understand your feelings. I think though, if you look at the people on this forum, who most have this "disorder" and it's quite clear theres a lot of different and unique personalities here. We all share common thoughts and experiences, but I'm Justin, 32 from the UK, very nice but a bit too blunt with my words sometimes. You have a few wacky people, some really zen people, some not so nice people, some really sweet people, some worriers, some thinkers, some lovers, some fighters.

The point I'm trying to make is the disorder isn't you. As Archer already put it much better than I ever could, I won't go into it too much, but like I say it's patterns and thoughts rather than your whole being.
People with asthma all have trouble breathing. People with BPD have trouble with inter-personal relationships etc.. thats kind of my way of looking at it.

I'm a 38 yr old man, married, 1 child. I was told at age 15 by a state psychologist that I had Borderline Personality Disorder but that the diagnosis was not accepted in anyone under 25 yrs of age. I dismissed this and served 4 of my remaining 5 yrs of imprisonment. At 19, iwas paroled and came home. A very kind woman with the unfortunate " Fix the Broken" trait fell in love with me and we started a relationship. I knew something was wrong with me, but had no idea what or how to fix it. I revisited BPD as a possible problem but got the wrong impression of what it is. After much drinking, drugging, hospitalization, imprisonment, breaking up, getting back together and other experiences we (BPDers) go through a court-ordered psych eval diagnosed me officially with BPD and this time I learned (during court-ordered therapy) what BPD actually is. My life turned very bad for a couple of years as I constantly found that I didn't know who I was and I could not make a decision when I didn't know if it was me or the BPD thinking. I was quite literally paralyzed by this indecision. I still battle those thoughts, but what I found was that the B of BPD should stand for Blank. What I did with my BLANK personality was to look at the world, decide who I WANTED to be and fake it til I make it. I'll be sure to let you know if I make it, but in the meantime know that you are NOT alone.

MourneIllistyn wrote:I still battle those thoughts, but what I found was that the B of BPD should stand for Blank. What I did with my BLANK personality was to look at the world, decide who I WANTED to be and fake it til I make it. I'll be sure to let you know if I make it, but in the meantime know that you are NOT alone.

One BPDer to another I just wanted to say that that is such an awesome way to look at it!! I hope you find a way to make it

Heya;

I'm relatively new to my diagnosis, it was just over a month ago. I struggled since I was a teen with depression, things got progressively worse. I too was impulsive, self harmed. I have a history of childhood trauma, and as a result I have a very fractured sense of self. I went from one failed relationship to the next...save for two, all my romantic relationships were abusive...be it verbal, emotional, and finally, the last relationship I was in also included physical. I knew things were getting worse and I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper and was afraid of what might happen if I didn't get help. I got it. After spending most of my life wondering why I acted and felt the way I did I had my answer...and I was relieved. Yes there was anger too, but over all it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I guess it's different for everyone. I'm currently taking DBT and absolutely love it. I also love coming to this forum as it's a great place to vent, and you can just be you without fear of judgement.

I had a hard time dealing with the stigma attached to it but in the end, there's no difference between a mental illness and a physical illness other than in what manner it affects the person and the treatment it requires. It's going to take a while to get to where I'm meant to be, but I will.

Best of luck to you

Shawniecat12345 wrote:I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years now. When I was diagnosed with BPD about a month ago, the only info I knew about BPD was what I had gleaned from the movie Girl Interrupted. So I went on line and read as much as I could about the disorder. I know a lot more about it now, but here is my issue. My already unstable identity is now thrown into chaos. Where do I end and where does this disorder begin? What characteristics are me and what are the disorder? I cant deal with the idea that my personality is somehow inherently flawed. Depression and anxiety are illnesses that I thought I would eventually overcome. But a disordered PERSONALITY?!! Yikes! This seems insurmountable! Yes my moods are very unstable. Yes I have distain for other people most of the time. Yes I have turbulent relationships. Yes I self injure. Yes I am impulsive. Yes I feel empty and I am lost. Yes Im self destructive etc etc. But cant these things also be symptoms of depression? Im so confused. Who am I? I thought I was just a troubled woman with past trauma, whos life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Now I feel like a walking DISORDER! All I can think now is Oh Im so effed up, which is making me feel worse! Im really having a hard time with this label!!!!!

Hi Shawnie,

I'm sorry to hear about how this diagnosis has affected you. It is very understandable that you feel traumatized by the diagnosis itself, on top of all the suffering you've been through thus far in life. This is mostly or almost totally because of how the media and society perceive AND MISUNDERSTAND (OUT OF COMPLETE IGNORANCE) mental illness. However, I'd like to offer you a slightly different perspective on mental illness diagnoses, in general. I don't think this is necessarily specific to our condition, BPD, but to mental illness, in general.

First off, let's talk about the diagnosis. I, personally, agree that someone who goes through what we go through DOES have a disordered personality, and here's why:

1 - Depression, which is a bulls**t umbrella term that movies and society use to label mentally ill people, can be merely situational (caused by a familial death, for ex.), or chemical (serotonin imbalance). Also, from what I know, and from true stories I know of (friends), it is generally more superficially ingrained in our minds, which makes it easier to treat (antidepressants). People who only meet criteria for depression, typically, are only suffering from a symptom, not a disease or disorder. In other words, I'm going to make the bold statement that DEPRESSION IS JUST A F**KING SYMPTOM, NOT A DISEASE.

2 - Anxiety is another wonderful OVERUSED umbrella term used to describe people who are going through a stressful time at work or school. Like depression, it is much more superficially ingrained, and again, I THINK ANXIETY IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SYMPTOM.

3 - A personality disorder, however, is much more deeply rooted in the brain. It affects us long term - our patterns of behavior, how we treat others, how comfortable we feel around people, how much we value ourselves, whether or not we feel the world is malevolent or benevolent, how we perceive each human interaction, our goals/purpose in life, our identity itself !!! This is MUCH MORE LONG-TERM, much harder to undo. This is NOT the result of just one bad school exam, or a death in the family. This is the result of how we've been treated (perhaps abused, bullied, harrassed) OUR WHOLE LIVES !!! Hence, it is no surprise that PDs take much longer to treat than some pissant depression or anxiety. Case in point - I've gone through ALL the SSRIs, tons of other types of antidepressants, almost all the benzos ... NONE OF THEM HAVE DONE A DAMN THING !!! Because my problem is not something that can be solved by a F**KING PILL. It is much more deeply rooted than that !

The scope of the problem of a PD is SO MUCH BROADER than that of mere depression or anxiety. It affects us, overall, as a person ... so I think the jargon "personality disorder" is accurate.

It should be no surprise that someone who suffers from a PD also suffers from depression and/or anxiety ... they are just two of our many SYMPTOMS !!! A PD is pervasive (it affects all or most aspects of our lives), long-term (most of us have had it for at least a decade already, if not many)

All that said, coming to your question about "Where do I end and where does this disorder begin? What characteristics are me and what are the disorder?"

My dear friend, all of us, mentally ill or not, are the culmination and manifestation of ALL OUR LIFE EXPERIENCE THUS FAR, all the good, bad, and ugly. Every single experience, every single relationship, every single success, every single failure, has shaped us and made us who we are today. So what if our PD has made us what we are ? So what if society thinks we're damaged goods ? Does that make us bad people ?

Bottom line answer to your question - There is no clear boundary between who you are and where your PD begins or ends. You are definitely more than your PD, but your PD has probably had a major influence on who you are ... that is the sad truth. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Remember your post about all the wonderful things you LIKE about yourself ? That proves what I'm saying, at least partially.

I am NOT stigmatized/traumatized by my diagnoses. I wear them proudly. Most people on Earth could not have gone through what I have gone through and still be alive. It is a FACT that my psychopathology HAS, DOES, and ALWAYS WILL dictate my behavior and my identity. And, I'm perfectly ok with that. This is WHO I AM. THERE IS NO BOUNDARY BETWEEN MY PD AND MY "REAL SELF", and THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE. They're all one person - a person I am SUPREMELY PROUD OF.

If society wants to shun me because of that, let them ! LET THEM ! I will go out and get a shirt that neatly lists out all my diagnoses. Let them ignore me. After all, I'm a bad person because of my medical conditions, right ? WRONG !!!

[quote="lilodian4ever?
Bottom line answer to your question - There is no clear boundary between who you are and where your PD begins or ends. You are definitely more than your PD, but your PD has probably had a major influence on who you are ... that is the sad truth. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Remember your post about all the wonderful things you LIKE about yourself ? That proves what I'm saying, at least partially.

I am NOT stigmatized/traumatized by my diagnoses. I wear them proudly. Most people on Earth could not have gone through what I have gone through and still be alive. It is a FACT that my psychopathology HAS, DOES, and ALWAYS WILL dictate my behavior and my identity. And, I'm perfectly ok with that. This is WHO I AM. THERE IS NO BOUNDARY BETWEEN MY PD AND MY "REAL SELF", and THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE. They're all one person - a person I am SUPREMELY PROUD OF.

If society wants to shun me because of that, let them ! LET THEM ! I will go out and get a shirt that neatly lists out all my diagnoses. Let them ignore me. After all, I'm a bad person because of my medical conditions, right ? WRONG !!![/quote]
THEN WHY BOTHER EVER TRYING TO "RECOVER" ?

quote="lilodian4ever?
Bottom line answer to your question - There is no clear boundary between who you are and where your PD begins or ends. You are definitely more than your PD, but your PD has probably had a major influence on who you are ... that is the sad truth. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is NOT SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. Remember your post about all the wonderful things you LIKE about yourself ? That proves what I'm saying, at least partially.

I am NOT stigmatized/traumatized by my diagnoses. I wear them proudly. Most people on Earth could not have gone through what I have gone through and still be alive. It is a FACT that my psychopathology HAS, DOES, and ALWAYS WILL dictate my behavior and my identity. And, I'm perfectly ok with that. This is WHO I AM. THERE IS NO BOUNDARY BETWEEN MY PD AND MY "REAL SELF", and THERE DOESN'T NEED TO BE. They're all one person - a person I am SUPREMELY PROUD OF.

If society wants to shun me because of that, let them ! LET THEM ! I will go out and get a shirt that neatly lists out all my diagnoses. Let them ignore me. After all, I'm a bad person because of my medical conditions, right ? WRONG !!![/quote]

THEN WHY BOTHER EVER TRYING TO "RECOVER" ?

I will NEVER be proud of being ill and I will never go around saying that I AM an illness! If you had cancer, would you go around saying I AM cancer or I AM diabetes? And I hope you are saying youre are proud of your ability to DEAL with your illness and not the illness itself. I would never say I am proud that I have cancer, I would say Im proud of my ability to DEAL with my cancer. Theres a huge difference.

Little Archer wrote:
"the one thing that i want to say right away is that the label of "personality disorder" is a little misleading. it most certainly DOES NOT mean that you are a walking disorder."
AND
from my, granted not expert, understanding, personality disorders are more about certain maladaptive coping mechanisms that we've come to use.

please be assured that the prognosis for borderline personality disorder is actually fairly good. i am by no means saying that it is easy, it isn't. but, it's possible to put in the work and learn how to cope with things in better ways and it's even possible to get to the point where you don't have the diagnosis anymore (as soon as you don't meet 5 out of 9 of the criteria)"

This is how I prefer to look at it-this illness is about maladaptive coping strategies that must be over come. I cannot and will not ever be proud of this, I will not let it define me but I will understand it as me needing to find better coping mechanisms.