Sex drive too much for spouse

Cheze2 wrote:I feel hurt and abandoned when I'm turned down for sex as well. It makes it so I almost never initiate anymore because I don't want to be turned down/feel that abandonment. The hurt at the rejection and abandonment is too much for me. Even if I know that at some point in the future my boyfriend and I will have sex again, it's about the abandonment in that moment. It makes my thoughts start going like crazy,

Cheze2's thoughts wrote:"Why doesn't he want to have sex with me, what did I do? he must not like me. It must be because Iv'e gained weight. How could I let that happen to myself? I'm disgusting. I don't deserve anything good. I'm a terrible person. This must mean he doesn't love/like me. He's just going to leave me. etc etc."

So I'm not sure that this is a male thing. I think that for me anyways, it can be a BPD related thing.

This is me, 100%. It's s**t. I blame the BPD & i'm female. All about abandonment. Definitely.

wineaux wrote:i like an alpha type male...i don't like to always wear the pants but unfortunately i do.

i can take'm off for you

my manipulative reflex was way out of controle today
and i was horney as hell
so i take it out on a coworker
telling him every detail about my sexlife driving him crazy with disire
i am the out of control kid without boundaries
and i'm a sexaddict
manipulation addict
and a cople more things (not drugs or alcohole)
but i never feel bad about annything i do

wineaux wrote:i like an alpha type male...i don't like to always wear the pants but unfortunately i do.

There's an interesting double standard that can come up from women in regards to alpha male stuff. Alpha is certainly an attitude as much as a set of actions, and it's an easy state for most males to achieve. In my experience many women are also at war with alpha male traits on some level, and ask or expect their partners to suppress the assertive stuff.

I wonder how many women that are attracted to alpha male behavior also are inclined to confront it depending on whim to some extent?

Regarding sex drive, I think many of us get emotions associated with validation from sex, and that can start to look a lot like sexual addiction.

My boyfriend and I have had this exact problem. Any time he isn't in the mood, it would feel like I am being abandoned all over again. That kind of rejection tore me apart; I become angry, suicidal, and, in turn, feel disgusted with myself.

We have kind of made a compromise, if you could call it that. This is TMI, but, even if he is not up for full-blown sex, he usually enjoys watching/listening to me pleasure myself. A lot of times we just cuddle in bed at the same time as I masturbate. It gives me satisfaction, I feel very loved, and it makes him happy too. Because it is a turn on in some respects, he usually is ready to be intimate more soon afterward.

I understand not every significant other would be up for that, but our sex life is extremely important to the both of us. I have been feeling much better now that he is open to things other than just long bouts of penetrative sex, etc., because even when I realize he gets tired and isn't always ready for everything, being rejected would ruin my whole day. I would wonder if he thought I was unattractive, if he was cheating on me, so on and so forth.

I still have this bad habit of counting days/hours/time since we were last intimate. But it is getting better. We cannot afford couple's counseling, but looking at some self-help books has done a lot for our relationship. Sometimes outside advice is a great way to go. Good luck!!

i think what perhaps can help ( a little) is not confusing intimacy and sex
a massage a nice backrub or just stroking someone's hair can be a way of letting your partner know you still like them and does not necessarily mean he/she doesn't like you perhaps plan something like that
(ps it never fails to amaze me how clueless ppl are to the needs of there partner)

rusalkagirl wrote: This is TMI, but, even if he is not up for full-blown sex, he usually enjoys watching/listening to me pleasure myself.

I think that's incredibly healthy and he's a lucky guy. At least here in the states it's not common for people to be secure enough in the sexual appetite to be that honest. The world needs a lot more of that openness. That kind of dynamic going both ways shows a lot of acceptance to the other persons needs, and would be huge in keeping frustration out of the relationship.

I dated a lesbian woman for a couple years, and she taught me a lot about her needs, and how to be sexual and intimate without simple hetero copulation. It takes a lot of the tension out of a relationship.

And I think we need to scrutinize the difference between attachment and love. Sex gets into both.

There's an old saw that men need sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex.

centerpath wrote:

rusalkagirl wrote: This is TMI, but, even if he is not up for full-blown sex, he usually enjoys watching/listening to me pleasure myself.

I think that's incredibly healthy and he's a lucky guy. At least here in the states it's not common for people to be secure enough in the sexual appetite to be that honest. The world needs a lot more of that openness. That kind of dynamic going both ways shows a lot of acceptance to the other persons needs, and would be huge in keeping frustration out of the relationship.

I dated a lesbian woman for a couple years, and she taught me a lot about her needs, and how to be sexual and intimate without simple hetero copulation. It takes a lot of the tension out of a relationship.

Thank you, and I definitely agree. He is actually the first man I've dated (I only got romantically involved with other women beforehand). At first, the difference in sex drives, and even just body parts, drove me crazy; I felt a little bit like a fish out of water. Not that it was bad, just unfamiliar.

Now, we strive on being open with each other. It has made everything so much more comfortable, especially with the little 'agreement' we have when he isn't ready for sex. His continuing interest in my pleasure has increased my confidence, or at least relieved some of the thoughts that I am not attractive or that he doesn't enjoy sex with me! Not to mention, doing "out of the box" things as such has been healthy and more interesting for our relationship. Our sex feels nothing like a performance, it is just two people feeling good as possible together, which I love.

rusalkagirl wrote: Our sex feels nothing like a performance, it is just two people feeling good as possible together, which I love.

I think you're lucky, and should take credit where it's due. Male and female sexuality are so different, but no less valid than the other. Accepting the other and letting it unfold as a sharing is beautiful and allows us to age and evolve as sexual beings in a natural way. I think you have a gem there, and have obviously been very brave.

I've been fortunate over the years to become close to many women in a way that somehow transcended gender roles, and learn the nature of woman to an extent that's possible for a man. Obviously there's always some kind of boundary.

For me, part of it was a self identification that I had such a strong self identification as a kind of alpha male sexually that I felt secure exploring the female or more submissive side in search of a kind of balance or wholeness.

The point of this is an anecdote. I've asked many women "what's wrong with men" as a general theme, and I've found that although the specifics vary, the general theme is that when women have answered they've generally simply listed male traits. I find that very endearing. What's wrong with men is that they're men....

For me the phase change happened because of homosexual rape as a young boy. I faced firsthand the anti personal ferocity of male sexual dominant energy as an object and found it repulsive, and as an adult lover of women have been very sensitive to keep that side at bay unless it's welcomed. That general theme has led me to keep a boundary or discipline to keep the more animal side of desire at bay until there's permission. Of course the irony is the animal aspect becomes all the more ferocious when it's given it's due. It's a lesson most men thankfully are not exposed to.

Point being, if you've found a way to make a place for each others sexual nature free of boundary violations toward each other I think you have a tiger by the tail. I hope you give yourself credit for the journey.