I just binged and purged ??? Trigger

I will say it and admit it, I am a binge eater, I eat and eat and eat, in the past I have had mild forms of Bulimia but never throwing up, more just a binge then not eating for a few days or way over use of enemas(in my early teens). Nowadays I just binge and I am the size of a mega huge bus. Anyway, over the weekend I was out and I drank so much, like so so much, and felt sick, normally when this happens I get out the tooth brush, down the throat and throw up and then continue to drink. But tonight, after around an aprox 4000cal binge I felt so horrible about about myself, I was in the shower brushed my teeth and remember Saturday drinking to much and throwing up so I brushed my tongue it went down a little further than it should and bought up some food not much but some, it hurt like hell but knowing some of those calories has just gone well that...that felt AMAZING! So i continued until I could not purge anything more and honestly now I feel almost as good as when I take drugs, I feel so happy, I feel kind of well, High! I wanna do it again. I was able to eat loads but now I am lying in bed and my stomach feels empty instead of horrid and sluggish and it's just the best feeling in the world, I have a bag full of high calorie food in my kitchen and I am tempted to repeat this again. Also I feel so tired as well after it(I have such problems sleeping) Has anyone else experienced this before, I know i'm not bulimic and I have no plans to be either but my god it feels so good what ever it is. Oh and sorry about posting it in the bpd forum its just thats my main diagnosis plus you guys are really nice and I worry other people from other parts may judge me badly

littlearcher wrote:this is really worrisome to me as it sounds like you are on a slippery slope.

i know that you've posted here because of your familiarity with the bpd board, but i am going to see if i can get some input from people who are more knowledgeable about eating disorders as well.

i have no experience with purging, my eating disorder manifests more in restriction/anorexia. but, it sounds to me like you are putting yourself in danger.

Okay thank you very much, I appreciate that That's very kind of you to help me. Thanks

-- Tue Jul 02, 2013 12:55 am --

Sorry, I am just gonna edit to this post of mine, I kind of didn't explain my reason for posting it. It's because I am the type of person that is self destructive, I go out of my way to harm myself in many different situations and I really don't want this to become my new 'thing'

Hey,

I can completely relate to the almost 'high' feeling after purging but trust me it does not last. The longer you do it the harder it is to stop and it takes over every part of your life. It makes you miserable.

Is there someone you can tell about this? A therapist, doctor, school counsellor etc? The quicker you can get a handle on it the better.

Feel free to have a look over in the ED forums, we're apretty nice bunch

((Big Hugs))

Willow

Hi

Thank you for being so honest

It definitely does sound like your relationship with food and eating is not a healthy one. I know from experience that it is important to seek help to try to heal from this - it just keeps escalating otherwise. I really hope that you are able to seek some help before things get worse - imo they already sound quite serious. It is def worth checking out the ED forums as there will be ppl there who understand what you are going through

Take good care

Hugs

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:Hi

Thank you for being so honest

It definitely does sound like your relationship with food and eating is not a healthy one. I know from experience that it is important to seek help to try to heal from this - it just keeps escalating otherwise. I really hope that you are able to seek some help before things get worse - imo they already sound quite serious. It is def worth checking out the ED forums as there will be ppl there who understand what you are going through

Take good care

Hugs

Cracked

And I just did it again and feel shame but amazing at the same time Thanks a lot for your reply the problem is that part of me wants to continue, part of it for weight loss cause like I said I am the size of a bus, but also because I have noticed it has taken my mind of my suicidal thoughts and a lot of other bad thoughts in my head. I have read a lot about binging and purging and to be honest, I don't care if my teeth fall out, I don't care if my cheeks looks like a hamster, I don't care if I die. I just want to harm myself, I have recently stopped self harming with ODing on meds(I use to cut, use to/still do have reckless sex, anything self destructive) but I have a feeling for me this will be my new phase for a bit of how I can harm myself more (that sounds horrible of me to say that doesnt it?) but it's like I just want to harm myself. I am due to start CBT in a few months who knows, maybe that will help. I should be over all of these stupid little childish things, Im 22 for godsake but honestly the stuff in my head and what I am doing is just so childish

weepingwillow wrote:Hey,

I can completely relate to the almost 'high' feeling after purging but trust me it does not last. The longer you do it the harder it is to stop and it takes over every part of your life. It makes you miserable.

Is there someone you can tell about this? A therapist, doctor, school counsellor etc? The quicker you can get a handle on it the better.

Feel free to have a look over in the ED forums, we're apretty nice bunch

((Big Hugs))

Willow

I really cant tell anyone, I mean they will look at me like I am lying, I am sure of it. I am a big person (imagine Adele at her biggest) that is how big I am if not bigger, noone would believe me that I have done this. And docs around here are no help either they will just me back on antidepressants which is despise. I will see about maybe going into the ED forum but i will have to get the nerve up to do it first, it sounds silly I know, but it took me ages just to be able to ppost on the bpd at the beginning lol

I know how you feel. I went through severe binge eating when I was younger, and eventually started eating until I was sick. And last year I went through anorexia. I know how calming it may seem, but please try to stay safe.
You may have to limit yourself for a while with food. It helped me get better. Plan out specific meals and snacks that will provide you enough to eat without overeating. And just slowly incorporate it into your life. It does help.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you ever need anything, please let me know. And I'm sure they won't bite over there. And if you're nervous to say anything (which I understand), just read around for a while and see if it helps you feel more secure.

DollsAndPins wrote:I really cant tell anyone, I mean they will look at me like I am lying, I am sure of it. I am a big person (imagine Adele at her biggest) that is how big I am if not bigger, noone would believe me that I have done this. And docs around here are no help either they will just me back on antidepressants which is despise. I will see about maybe going into the ED forum but i will have to get the nerve up to do it first, it sounds silly I know, but it took me ages just to be able to ppost on the bpd at the beginning lol

Not all people with eating difficulties are really thin and doctors etc are aware of this also. I do know how you feel tho, I thought the doctor would say I was too fat to have an ED but she didn't.

It doesn't sound silly at all being nervous about posting in new forums. No pressure. Even have a read through and see if anything sounds familiar to you.

Thinking of you
((Big Hugs))

Thank you to everyone who has replied to this post, I felt(still do but less) ashamed of what I was doing of what I am. You people really are so lovely. A few people have said that I need to tell someone or talk to someone about it and I felt as if I couldn't. But I just thought that I would update you guys a little here.

I have a great friend, infact she is my best friend (a size zero can eat what wants etc,, lucky girl hehe) anyway for 2 years we fell out and recently started talking again. During those 2 years she found her self a lovely guy, I have only met him a few times and he is lovely. Anyway tonight my best friend and I had this conversation over skype and her boyfriend was there and he was sorted of joining in on the conversation. Then food started to be spoken about which for me is hard to talk about. My best friend left the room for a few mins to do something and I was talking to her boyfriend and somehow he knew something wasnt right with me and food. I didn't say much but he then confessed to being a recovering bulimic, how in his past he had been over weight lost weight back and forth from the 2 through purging and starvation and I could totally relate and for the first time in my life I admitted to someone who I actually physically know about my binges and my little purges and sometimes starvation. And he was amazing about it, he totally understood and was so great about it and nice to me. He gave me advice of not how to go down a bad road like he did, told me his life story of what happened with him, how it began.We just clicked.I m amazed that I was able to open up to someone about it and a man who is 2 and half years younger than me nonetheless lol

My bestfriend always knew I had something strange when it came to eating but never thought much of it. Of course cause she was pretty much there on skype once she came back she now knows everything and they are both being amazing.Her boyfriend didn't give me the lecture of 'dont do it''get over it' he told me the truth, he said I will have off days, days of binging and maybe purging but they can get better and will ease up with will power, acceptance and he will do what he can to help me. He told me it's not going to be a quick process but one that will lead to a much better life. I feel so understood now and just happy I have been able to open up about it

I'm so glad you were able to tell someone! That took a lot of strength, you should be so proud of yourself.

They both sound like such great people.