nothing gets better *TW!*

Hey i am still in psychiatry. That is, momentarily i am allowed to spend one night out of it. It doesn't get better, i just want to go as fast as possible (because i don't think if i stay there longer it will ever get better really), i still don't know whats wrong with me, and apparently the doctors and therapists don't know too. They first thought i had borderline, but then when i asked they said: "No we don't think that anymore, borderline is a ... personality disorder ... it just looks different.". I am in my fourth week and i still don't have a diagnosis, this is ridiculous. I also don't get any medications, apart from something to sleep... for which they give me pipamperon which doesn't help with falling asleep at all, it just makes the agitation go away and groggy the next day, can't get up, etc.

They did a few tests, but nothing came out of it. Apparently i am totally healthy. That makes me feel like i am simulating and taking away space for people who need it more than me.

Since they obviously can't help me or don't want to... or i don't have any problem at all, why should i stay there at all?

I am scared that if i tell them that i still have suicidal thoughts and want to harm myself (they always ask me before i go out), they will not let me go

I told them i don't want to and that i don't have those thoughts (i wanted to go out very badly), but i still have those thoughts and i also did some light scratches on my leg to feel a bit better (had a bad day, i had all these plans: first i wanted to bring my small motorbike to a garage, then i wanted to buy somethign to cook, then cook something, then clean my room, wash the dishes and then go out. But then they didn't have the parts for the motorbike - which i moved/shoved to the garage - and they told me i had to go to xyz, which is like a few km away. Then i bought stuff and got agitated and anxious inside the supermarket... and then went to the butcher for some meat - the butcher only had sausages, no meat??? i then waited for the bus 20 minutes at the bus station, but the bus didn't come, they just ommitted my bus, so i had to wait another 40 minutes in the rain. I went out a station early in the hopes that another butcher would have my meat, the butcher wasn't even open. So i walked home. I then was tired and wanted to harm myself - i wanted to harm myself a few hours before too btw - i painted an arm with a knife and blood coming out etc... in red ink, to cope. Helped temporarily. I also tried different things before and they didn't help... Then i was even more tired and slept till 19:30 - 3-4 hours. Had a very strange dream in which i was killing people. Now i still haven't done anything.)

I am ashamed. I fear that if i tell them that i still have those thoughts, they won't trust me anymore or think i am a liar or something.

Nothing gets better...

The worst part is, i cannot tell them when i feel unwell, because once i want to tell, it all goes away, i cannot tell them, i feel ashamed, or it instantaneously gets better so that i don't know what i wanted to tell them anymore. I somehow think that i have to be a certain way to appeal to them. I mean, make no troubles, always be happy, etc, etc.

I think the goals and approaches in facilities can be quite different than those we encounter in therapy. No matter how thorough they are, time is necessarily limited in a facility, and they have concerns that a good therapeutic relationship can be free of.

I'd hope you can sit it out and look forward to a long term compassionate therapist on the outside. Ultimately we heal ourselves, at least from developmental issues. If that's what's going on we search for a guide for what can be a long process. I try to think of it like weight loss, if it took five years to gain the weight it'll probably take five years to lose it in a healthy way. If we've been on a difficult path for many years maybe we need to give ourselves years to find our way clear of it.

Thanks for your response. It really helped.

when i ask my friends for help, the moment they ask, 'hi, what's the challenge, i'm there for you.' i get angry.
the moment someone tries to help me, i get agitated and when the person leaves, i feel abandoned.

i used to punch the wall to feel emotions. i've realized its not fair on my knuckles. if my body is helping me post my challenge here, helping me calm my mind, by going on walks, then i need to look after my body as well. if my body's helping me, then i need to eat proper food and take rest, the mind needs rest while the body needs rest and nutrients.

i dont feel much empathy towards others. if i see someone cry, i'd rather eliminate the reason for tear than wipe his tear.