is NOT my BPD talking..... arghhh

I am so sick of people putting things ALWAYS down to my BPD when its clearly a return of no common courtesy


Where the ###$ is common courtesy gone these days?

Really if you tell someone you will do something - DO IT
If you tell someone you will ring them back - DO IT
If you say you will help out with something - DO IT

I am sick and tired of listening to people (friends, family, organisations and general people) saying they are 'here' or will 'help' or 'ring' and then NOTHING...

YOU said it, so why the hell should i have to chase you up for something you said that i never asked for?

I agree with you. I mean partly the BPD plays its part but I really wish people would do what they say they are going to do.

Theres one particular person in my life at the moment, only a friend but I really like her and she keeps saying "i'll write you on facebook tonight" or "I'll give you call over the days off" and never does. Then when I next see her she'll be "I'm sorry but I had x, y, z come up" but I'm already a little hurt by then.

In one way it's not BPD because if I told her that, then I'd do what I said. In another, the way we react is probably worse because of the BPD. I'll sit on Facebook until 4 in the morning even though I'm resigned to the fact at like midnight that she isn't actually going to write. I'll also put it down to her not caring, despite knowing that she does have a pretty bad home situation and it isn't her computer she'd be writing me from. I guess non's just don't take it so personally and they are less dependant on the person actually doing what they said they would.

So yeah, people should do what they say or just not say it. But perhaps we analyse it more than is rational. Some people have the best intentions but are a little flaky, and they have no idea what they are actually doing to me when they commit to something then don't follow through. They mean no harm by it.

I totally get this too and it infuriates me how they just treat you like you're overreacting because you have BPD. Yes, some of it may make things worse because of the BPD but why can they never see that your initial feeling is actually valid, BPD or not?! This is one thing I actually HATE about having a diagnosis. You think that once you have that your family will understand it's not your fault and treat you with more care but instead it's like they expect you to control it now that you have a diagnosis and they roll their eyes at you as if you're doing it purposely and anything you feel is because of your mental illness.

But what if you DIDN'T have that diagnosis? Would they tell you you're being silly for getting upset over them not contacting you or would it force them to look at their own behaviour and consider whether they were being insensitive to your feelings? I feel like this is how we're treated - as if whatever we're feeling is all us and absolutely NOTHING to do with them and so they don't even bother considering they may have done something wrong because it's all you, of course it is and that just makes me angrier. I think us having gone out and analysed ourselves and tried to be better people seems to backfire on us because then it just makes it too easy for others to not look at themselves. What if there's more than one of you with a mental illness but only one of you is self aware enough to investigate if something is wrong? Just because one of you has decided to take action and get a diagnosis it doesn't mean that other person is perfectly well balanced and does nothing wrong.

I had this experience with someone I developed feelings for online. I started to feel overwhelmed and tried to cut off contact but he pressed me for an explanation so I decided to be honest and tell him about my illness. Now, he wasn't without issues himself...grew up being abused by his sister and has had mentally ill exes as well but as far as I know has never sought help or been diagnosed with anything himself, even though it was clear to me he had some issues with not being good enough and insecurity. Because of this I felt like he would understand me better but yet he started treating me differently. He said he still felt the same, but all of a sudden I was being ridiculed for expressing feelings he didn't understand even though there were things about him that I didn't understand - I never ridiculed him for it. Finally it all came to a head because I felt like this was unfair. I put myself in an extremely vulnerable position by opening up about my mental illness and yet he used this against me, even though at times I felt my feelings were perfectly valid. People seem to think that just because you've come out and said you don't have the coping skills that most people have that this means they should just go, "Ok it's their BPD" instead of trying to be sensitive to your illness. If you ask me it's selfish and nasty to accept someone with their illness but never accept that this means they need to try a little harder if they care at all about your feelings.

I used to think about this and forgive them saying it's not their fault, it's mine. I shouldn't burden them with my problems...but it's gotten to the point where now I will say, "These are my issues. You have 2 choices...1. walk away now and you never have to deal with them again or 2. stick around and adjust the way you treat me". No more am I going to sit by and admit I'm a bad person because I've got a mental illness that so many others don't want to deal with. Neither do I, but I don't have that choice so if they want to be in my life then why should they just be able to turn off when they feel like it? They know we are over sensitive so it's about time they started taking responsibility for triggering negative emotions in us and showing some damn consistency.

deethebee wrote:But what if you DIDN'T have that diagnosis? Would they tell you you're being silly for getting upset over them not contacting you or would it force them to look at their own behaviour and consider whether they were being insensitive to your feelings? I feel like this is how we're treated - as if whatever we're feeling is all us and absolutely NOTHING to do with them and so they don't even bother considering they may have done something wrong because it's all you, of course it is and that just makes me angrier

It's a really tricky thing to analyse really. If you didn't have BPD maybe that conversation would never take place because you wouldn't get as upset about it in the first place. Most of my friends for instance aren't getting upset if they weren't contacted when they said they would in anywhere near the way it upsets me.

Looking at it logically we have to work out whether they are actually being insensitive or not. If the same person does it all the time, then yeah they're being insensitive and non's probably would have an issue with them too. Someone without BPD also brought up the girl i mentions behaviour. So absolutely a lot of the time it is the person breaking the promise who has the issue.

But sometimes things do come up and there are sometimes reasons that a well intended promise doesn't come to fruition. Even them simply forgetting to do it, is actually a genuine reason. The BPD makes us perceive that being forgotten is a really personal horrible thing, but some people do genuinely forget to do something and have all the best intentions.

I find this a hard subject because I know I do overreact and at the same time I know I do let people off too much when I shouldn't be so forgiving. It's hard for me to know when it's right to say "no, they should have contacted me and they are taking advantage now" and when it is in fact an overreaction on my part.

Justin, sorry, maybe I didn't make it clear. What I meant was if you didn't have a diagnosis. So you still react as a BPDer and you do have it, but no one knows you have it. I find that people knowing you have a mental illness makes them treat you differently.

I would definitely say it's insensitive if they either know they're upsetting the person or they know you have a mental illness that makes you oversensitive to that kind of thing. Otherwise they are probably oblivious and I wouldn't be upset with them if I hadn't told them that this behaviour upsets me. It's still irritating and a bit rude, but it doesn't mean they're doing it intentionally.

deethebee wrote:Justin, sorry, maybe I didn't make it clear. What I meant was if you didn't have a diagnosis. So you still react as a BPDer and you do have it, but no one knows you have it. I find that people knowing you have a mental illness makes them treat you differently.

I would definitely say it's insensitive if they either know they're upsetting the person or they know you have a mental illness that makes you oversensitive to that kind of thing. Otherwise they are probably oblivious and I wouldn't be upset with them if I hadn't told them that this behaviour upsets me. It's still irritating and a bit rude, but it doesn't mean they're doing it intentionally.

Ahh I see Then it can definetely come off as patronizing. I don't really tell all that many people in all honesty. Family and a few close friends who know to keep an eye on me. In fairness to them they are actually really really good at doing what they say they are going to do or explaining why not as they know it upsets me and really you need the people you've told to understand your sensitivities.

If it's people who don't know you have it though, or you have it but neither of you know about it then I think they're still likely to take the view that you are being too sensitive in the main. But they're going to be a lot more careful with their words if they know you have it I guess and that can sometimes come off as though they are patronizing you.

Either way it's just one of these really hard to deal with things. Sometimes they are rude, sometimes they are insensitive, sometimes they are well meaning and sometimes they really don't know they're doing it. It's hard to know what and why, but the end result is always quite upsetting.

No you see I don't find that. If people know I have BPD they aren't more careful with their words - they still talk to me however they want but if I react badly they don't stop to think that maybe they weren't being insensitive to my illness, they behave as though it's my problem and I should control myself and they've done nothing wrong. Whereas when you don't have a diagnosis or people don't know you have a mental illness they can't just blame it all on you - they are forced to think about whether or not they actually are being insensitive. That's what I get anyway...

Oh really? I guess we have different experiences then. The people that know I have BPD still make false promises and things by mistake but when they realise I'm upset they are quite "I'm really sorry about that" which is a little patronizing but at least they are sensitive.

It may be different due to who you tell. As I say, in my family my mother knows the diagnosis although everyone else knows theres some sort of problem but not the actual extent. And outside of that it usually works on a need to know basis with friends. If I ever find the BPD is becoming a problem in the friendship I'll let them know what it is. In general I've found understanding and sympathy but that creates its own problems as then I feel bad about people walking on eggshells so as not to upset me.

thank you.... I am glad im not the only one.

Honestly if its one person done once, im ok with it... $#%^ happens and I am now able to recognise its probably because something happened in their day and im able to be ok with that (though the inner critic isn't lol)

But the ones im having issues with are long term offenders... and its almost everyday.... You would think I would know better, but obviously im a slow learner, and I hate conflict. With this one girl, she lives round the corner from me, and one moment she can be so sweet and caring and there for me, then the next its like I don't exist, But I can say anything, as well she could make life difficult for me where I live by people she knows. kwim?

Others like organisations where you are trying to get help and they just never call you back. I feel like I am doing all the chasing, then weeks later I get the 'sorry but we cant take you on" or something to that effect.

I agree that we can over analyse things and therefore sometimes our emotions play a role they shouldn't, but again, if people we know, don't ###$ us around It wouldn't happen in the first place.